Nothing shines as bright as your eyes - (Leah Williamson x OC)

Part 17

The day of my decision had arrived, much to my dismay. This morning I had decided to make a pros and cons list. A bit childish, I know, but I just had to get out of my head for a second. So I thought it would be best to just write it all down.

I wanted to go from negative to positive, and so I started with the cons. First one for the Netherlands. No current teammates. That was quite the con for me. Of course there were players in the Dutch squad that I had played with during my time with Ajax, but that's different. I feel so much more belonging here in Manchester, and that is partly due to the friends I've made here. They've really taken me under their wing and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Now a con for England. No known family. I purposely wrote the 'known' down, because I do know that I've got English family. I just have never met them. Frankly, I don't even know if they're alive. Because, as I've learned over the past few months, your life can be over before you know it.

Another con for the country overseas. Mark Parsons. Honestly, I didn't want to write it down, but there's just no denying it. I'm not a fan of him and how he tries to get things done. It's just too soft for me. When I speak to him, there's just no fire in his eyes, no desire to win. And I certainly do want to win.

The last con for England. Leah. I was hesitant to write it down. But, to be honest, it's the only thing I could think of. She's just so mean, or something. It's like she just never gives me the benefit of the doubt, never goes easy on me, is always creepily staring at me, I just don't like her. And she undoubtedly doesn't like me very much either.

Now we go on to the pros. Something positive, that's definitely what I need after my mind went on and on about how Leah her soul purpose is to make my life a living hell.

First a pro for the Netherlands. Family. This was a BIG pro. My family meant everything to me. And because they were Dutch, it would mean a lot to me to represent mine and their country.

A pro for England. Most of squad. Most of the girls in the squad were amazing. They're so nice and welcoming and it would be an honour to be able to play with them on the same side.

Another pro for my mum's country. Mum. I loved my mum with all of my heart, and so to be able to represent her country would mean the world to me. I just want to make her proud.

Though, this also counted just as much for my dad. So Dad went on the pros list for England.

By now, it was still completely even. This was what the list looked like right now:

Netherlands
- Cons   - Pros
• No current teammates • Family
• Mark Parsons • Mum

England
- Cons - Pros
• No known family • Most of squad
• Leah • Dad

Eventually, I went to the conclusion that this didn't help at all. If anything, it only made it more difficult.

I called Lauren and asked if she could come over. And of course, as the good friend she is, she'd be there in 10 minutes.

Lauren knew about my struggles with this debate. She completely understood. I knew she'd support me whatever happened, as long as I was happy.

While I waited for Lauren to arrive, I hung the emotionally loaded paper on the fridge and gave it a long and hard stare, as if maybe this paper would make the decision for me.