Ryder is finally cleared to go back to hockey which means it is time to pack up and move to New York. Francesca is thrilled about living with Ryder for the summer and has already made a ton of plans for them. Both want nothing more than a perfect su...
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I am sitting alone in the backyard staring at the pool wondering how shit turned so badly so quickly. I mean I knew my agent was a slimy sleezball, he was hired by my dad after all, but to meet with the team alone and leak the information?
I don't get what he was looking to accomplish by it honestly. From what I know from the extremely brief phone call Wednesday when I fired him, he went just to introduce himself. I think that is bullshit based on the way Lou came to personally find me and apologize Thursday at practice. Whatever the truth is I do know that he wasn't informed I had gotten the offer already, that much I do know.
But that is besides the point now because the little weasel is fired. Now I have to shift focus and figure out how to fix things with Francesca. I didn't come home after I stormed out Wednesday till the middle of the night. I was running honestly, hiding from her, her family, my friends, and especially them. My head was just spinning too fast everything felt like it was collapsing in on me. A panic attack and lots of screened phone calls later I knew I had to go back to the house and that sleeping in my car wasn't an option. When I got home it was nearly 2am and Francesca was out cold on the couch. I tucked her in carefully but I didn't wake her because I was still not ready to talk.
In the morning I woke up feeling like shit. The guilt of all the stuff I said hit me like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately by the time I got up she was already gone for the day, and by the time we were in the same place at the same time her family was home, and then the silence just continued because I didn't know what to say. And continued. And continued. And now it is Sunday and she is at Nonnas and I am sitting here alone still grappling with all my emotions.
Maybe if I was raised normally I would know how to handle them all; but 21 years of repressing every emotion and doing only what others expect me to do really didn't prepare me for shit like this.
On one hand I am super sorry for what I said. I am terrified I acted just like my dad in the moment. I said things I knew would hurt her and I even yelled a little. I don't care that she yelled first or even that she hit me with some low blows too, it doesn't excuse me from doing it. I never want to hurt her like he hurt me and that is exactly what I did.
But on the other hand, beyond all those feelings, there is this slight nagging that I am not wrong in all this either. That my feelings of being hurt because she never asked what I wanted, are valid.
The whole thing is too confusing and it makes me anxious every time I replay that day over again. I just want to talk to Francesca about how overwhelmed I am right now but we aren't talking so I guess I am alone with my thoughts. Which is dangerous as fuck because last time I was alone with my thoughts it got me into this mess of not telling her when I should have day 1.
I am so lost in thought I don't notice that someone joins me outside or sits down next to me. I am obviously to the visitor until they speak. "Attendance at Nonnas isn't optional."
