crying glitter and drinking stars

but i never felt so lost before

as a child

skipping rocks and hanging from tree branches

it was all so carefree

sitting in a club house with my sisters and munching on banana peanut butter sandwiches my mother made

happy

i don't remember ever being sad.

i mean i cried when my bunny died. but how sad was i? i got a new bunny four days later. i couldn't have remorse.

i was always happy, there was always ️stuff to do. toys to play with and flower to pick. have tea parties with my stuffed animals. it was all so real to me.

but then

it was harder to make a connection with my toys

i started looking at them

frustrated

wondering why i couldn't play with them or why they wouldn't talk or have thoughts and play with them on the swing set.

then my sisters and i stopped playing in the club house. started going out together, with friends. started going to houses and playing seven minutes in heaven and giggling about boys and eating barbecue potato chips.

it was the start.

then i got upset over boys who didn't notice me

and cried about my stomach

my acne

and i stopped loving the way i look and i tried to change it all the time

new hair and new eyes

a ruby gloss wand over my pale pink puckering lips and sparkly eyeliner grazing against my lids. sweeps of mascara covering and glazing my lashes. i want to look like a beautiful supermodel.

start working out.

get noticed my boys.

got too much attention.

i felt scared. they way they grabbed my "ass" and "by accident" their hands grazed my chest.

why did they do that?

my sisters embraced it. i felt like fighting it off and focused on working to getting to college.

good grades

study hard.

my parents pat my cheek: good girl
i am their good doggie.

got accepted into that great college. i'm going to be a dentist. look at me! my future is so bright.

i had such a nice roommate

too nice. too convincing

"c'mon, let's go out!" she'd say

"oh, i have to study," i say

"oh! it'll be fun!" she'd say

"ok, only for an hour," i cave.

repeat this every night.

my grades went down the bog and it fit me too hard and fast to even realize what i was doing with my life. skipping all my classes and mingling with the boys.

fuck

i'm kicked out

nude pictures of me on the net.

no one has any respect for me. flash. flash. they say i'm not a victim, just a dumb girl.

i'm mad at myself

everyone is mad at me, actually.

i had no job or no family or nothing to live for, i'm only mad at myself.

i don't no what to do. everything got so confusing, i have no idea what do even do with my life. literally everything and all my hopes and ambitions were packed into a brown cardboard box and shipped to the river Styx were they drowned in gooey hell.

what am i going to do?

if you hate your life: change it.

so, that's what i did.

worked part time at a department store and sprayed little cards with perfume.

then went to community college and decided to become a nurse.

it wasn't easy. it was hard and i was poor.

i turned it all around. it's hard and i did bad things that i can't change. but, the things i could change, i changed. and i didn't just survive, i thrived and i lived and the water is clear. i have that same happiness i had as a child. not careless, i care.

i care so much about myself and the future i hold in the veins in my arms.