𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓 • 𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘩

「 twenty seven 」

"Everyone is out again, great..." Jena utters between the ringing silence in her room and the whole dorm, frowning in dismay as she was again left alone, the girls were no were to be found along with their manager. She holds onto the scalp of her hair for dear life and sighs, grasping onto the very brink to lose her insanity, which people around her question about her being able to be composed after the overwhelming stress she has been going through. "I'm in the very urge to lose my sanity and end up being crazy."  She laughs off her concern, walking in circles to ground herself away from insanity, clicking her tongue as she shakes her head repeatedly, convincing herself she's still fine. 

Was she ever fine in the first place?

She finds herself settling in the gamer chair between her cream desk, knees holded as she pulls herself near the desk, looking over her drawers on the side and retrieving a can of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes. She fixed her glances on both products and sigh heavily, slowly placing down the products as she slowly spun herself around with the chair, eyes closed with chest started to weigh heavy. It was a hypocritical move for her to beg and promise to quit drinking and vaping; saving a few packs and cans as she lets her manager confiscate the rest, convincing a lie that her manager already took all of them. She just can't let go of those just yet, it was the only ground for her to stay sane and keep going.

She knew both bad habits were a great toll for her health and she promised herself to quit when she goes back home. A stupid decision but it was better than nothing, Jena just can't afford dealing with herself all alone and it was unfortunate that she thought drinking it all away or just smoking off would help, when really she's just making excuses to avoid anything at this point and she reasons out that she can't simply confront issues since those issues burn the life out of her a lot.

"God, I really do need help." She utters out the obvious, staring over the pack of cigarettes in front of her, charming her to use it. Jena didn't know what came into her messed up mind to even purchase a few packs, tried trying to light one and ended up coughing in disgust. As a well known kid in elementary, she has always been asked to smoke and try a cigarette but end up declining since she's a minor and her parents will be disappointed if she does.

Jena recalls how those cool kids lit their sticks, placing the stick on her lips and lit it up, sucking the smoke gently but fail to breathe it out as her lungs reacts rapidly; coughing out the bitter taste of the cigarette, regretting to buy some packs and hated the feeling of her lungs getting swollen slowly. "How do people like this shit?" She whines, coughing out the excess taste in her mouth. 

The suh place back the unfinished stick back to it's pack and come up to a conclusion to leave her smoking days behind; already regretting that decision now on remembering how frequent her asthma attacks were on the span of two months, regret weighing heavier on the thought how much scold she'll receive all because mama suh specifically instruct her to never try smoking, probably knew that she broke that only rule since Johnny was a snitch, she never trust the older on keeping his mouth shut with everything anyway, probably one of the other reasons she can't tell her relationship other than the fact she's terrified of him.