The Rules to Redemption

Chapter 53: Console my heart

Ugh quick update, I'm fucking amazing.
Also this chapter may be a little sensitive.

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"Your father was an evil man and I only found that out after his death. Not much people fool me but I was mistaken when I believed that he was a man of honour." Damien enlightens me and though it was harsh, I was intrigued.
"The first mistake he made was stealing from my mafia to fund his own personal entitlements and were he not dead when I found out, I'd have killed him and shown no remorse even if I loved you like I do now."

His words weren't surprising nor did I blame him for them. I knew the man that I chose to love, I knew what he did and I made the decision to accept that then.
"Yeah but you didn't kill him so what has any of that got to do with my brother because no offence but Malachai doesn't give a shit about your finances." I enlighten him.
"We're getting to that bit love, slow down." He warns me.
"Don't call me that." I roll my eyes.
"Ok amore." Fucking asshole.

"Malachai has never liked your father...ironically so he's always been the one to keep tabs on him, that is how he found out. I guess he was more curious on what could be so important that he'd be committing such an act to a mafia that would do unspeakable things once they found out." The more Damien speaks, the more I think that it would be better to remain in the dark.
"The money was going into a private account, it was secure and encrypted. I think what concerned your brother the most was that it was foreign and our mafia doesn't do business with people who aren't allies. It's a risk."
Your whole existence is a risk Linguini?

"It took him a while but Malachai eventually found out he was trying to pay off a two and a half decade old debt to this Russian gang that he had become an informant to. Though he couldn't steal money quick enough from us otherwise he'd be caught, when people steal they do it in small amounts over a long period of time. This clearly wasn't enough so he found another way to pay off his debt." He stopped, looking flustered, sweating with fear in his heart and I've never Damien resonate with fear as an emotion.
"What do you mean another way?" I urge him because I need answers and he can't choose to just shut up now.

"Damien, finish your fucking sentence!" I warn him.
"Men are fucked up people T and they'd do anything to protect themselves." He looks sick and perhaps there was somewhere, deep in my soul where I knew the rest of that sentence, where a dark truth lay and I was always aware of its existence.
I sat up in my seat, I could feel the heat in my cheeks and my heart beats in my head, my mouth went dry because I knew the truth.
"Pretty girls are worth a lot of fucking money." He fists clench and I see him close his eyes reigning in anger.

"Pretty girls?" I mutter not to him but rather the air. "He was going to fucking sell me? What the actual fuck?"
"Does he know what the fuck men like that do to people? Am I not a fucking person? His daughter. Did it not mean anything that I was his literal blood- a baby that he watched grow up? Oh my fuck!"

My heart doesn't drop because I'm not in shock nor do tears pool from my eyes because I have nothing to be sad about. Time feels like a ring of circles around me, I can't progress and the past won't greet me either. I'm stuck in this state where I had just learnt that I never had a father or perhaps I did, one that clearly didn't value me as a daughter. I can't escape this moment because time won't let me. It wants me to perish and burn in the hollowness of my skin because I can't seem to ponder the thought of that man being half of me.

My feet walk but my mind has regressed, wherever in physicality I am, my heart has been left behind at least five steps.
I only regain awareness when I stabilise myself on the door frame of the bathroom and even then, I can't seem to stand. I stumble forward near the toilet where that warm feeling in the back of my throat appears and I just throw up. Even if nothing exist, my mouth opens and disgust leaves. This single act exhausts me but I keep throwing up because it's the only way I can feel empty again.