institution for the gays (Poly) ✓ (COMPLETE) (5 Edited Chaps)

chapter 7

Warning for suicidle thoughts..

It had been a few weeks since I first came here, and everyone has been super nice too me. It almost feels like a huge home for all of us, I have gotten to know them alot better. I haven't once thought about home since then and I don't mind.

Arlo has warmed up to me alot more then most have- except blake- to me. He warmed up to me when we're alone most of the time, but I know how hard it's to show affection Infront of others, when they know him as the rude, and arrogant person.

I have noticed that when he gets all touchy, he gets nervous, and shy. I never ask him about it, but I have said to him a few times that he doesn't have to do anything if he isn't ready. But he always says he wants too.

He is nice if you get to know him, and I don't know why he is more open too me more then anyone else, since he's known most of them for a few years, yet, here I come along and he wants to be nice and isn't closed off.

It's nice to know how trusts me more then the others, but I feel bad for them. I'm new and the only one who got to his heart in a snap.

°_°_°_°

It had only been a few hours, and I was bored. There was nothing really to do, I wasn't the movie watching type so I scratched that out. It was no where near lunch, so I couldn't eat. Ahhh!

What to do?

What. To. Do...

I could go hang with someone but I don't exactly want to get into their personal space either. This is annoying... Maybe just go on my phone? Tiktok? Snapchat? Ha! I have no friends... Read? Nah, books aren't my thing either.

Sigh.

I guess I'll just have a shower, think bad thoughts, hmm... Just, sit there? Do nothing? Best bet right now I guess.

Or or or... Weed? I need that right about now, I haven't had any episodes much lately, I have no idea how... But I guess that's what happens, I just have a gut feeling it's not gonna last long though.

Who am I kidding? I'll be perfectly fine....

Yet those words were the worst things I could've thought last before I finally exploded.....

I should have known, I really should of. And now... This feeling, it won't go away. I feel trapped, like I'm alone, the black void... I can't seem to escape it. It's like a loop from end to start, all over and over again.

Why? What did I have to do to get to this? Why me? Am I really this useless, is it why no one loves me? Do I just do it for myself? Am I really just letting people down? Am I really just an outcast? That no one wants... I should have known, I should have fucking known! And now... And now I feel so alone, no one wants me.

'im not angry, just disappointed..'

'why?'

'you did this Neil!'

'do you think this is fun living with you like this? Huh!?'

'im scared of you.'

'you need help.'

'why won't you just get help!?'

'this isn't working out Neil... I'm- were losing you.'

'how can we love a monster?'

'your a disgrace fag.'

'its a wonder your loved, you don't deserve it.'

Those words my parents shouting at me, when they beat me made it clear I wasn't loved by them at all...

Thoughts going miles an hour P/m through my head, my family losing me. How am I like this? Why did I deserve all of it?

Maybe she is right... No one loves me, I'm a disappointment. It's a wonder how anyone can handle a monster. I feel like I'm weighing everyone down. Giving everyone a weight on their shoulders because of my burdens.

What if... I just, killed myself? I'd be forgotten. No one will care or even notice, but.. I feel guilty because if I do it, I'm doing it for myself and I'm not thinking of anyone else. But who cares? No one.

I curl up on my bed into a tight ball and tears stain my cheeks, my head hurts and I feel so weak.

I feel so suffocated and alone.

OKAY HOES! YA BITCH IS BACK and definately not better lol. Ik this is like, really fucking depressing but I'm am rn probably, anyway.. it's superrrr short but I'm having really bad writers block ATM so ignore that. I hope it's like... Ehhh???

Dunno. I'm in the stage of 'omg I'm depressed but I'm also too hyper?' yk? I hope not 🥲

THANK YALL TO 300 FUCKING READS BITCHES!!!! LOVE YALL SO MUCH UWU. ^_^

ew, I said ^^^^ that 😭😭 I'm actually dead.

Anyway!

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-rose ♥️