Coldest War (War Series #2)

Chapter 29

#war2wp

Chapter 29

Anyone Else

Hiel was quiet during the ride home. Hindi ko rin magawang magsalita dahil mas nangingibabaw sa 'kin ang kabang nararamdaman ko na hindi ko sigurado kung para saan. 

I look outside the window, controlling my raging heart and distracting myself a little. The idea that I am sitting in Hiel's passenger seat makes me feel ecstatic. The seat suddenly feels comfortable---as if I was meant to sit there. 

I bring my eyes to my phone and I realize that I haven't checked it yet. Binuksan ko 'yon at nakitang may message pala kanina si Hiel sa 'kin. 

Hiel Sebastian Lara Cervantes:
Hi, Rinnah. Are you going out today?

"May message ka pala," I say.

Nilingon ko si Hiel. He purses his lips a little before he glances at me. Tumango siya at ibinalik ang tingin sa kalsada. His arm stretched towards the steering wheel distracted me. Ang mga ugat sa braso niya hanggang sa kamay ay prominente. I heard that he goes to the gym with Adonijah. Ngayon ko mas nakikita ang ebidensya no'n. 

"My classes ended early. I thought that if you're out, I could drive for you," aniya. 

Tumango ako. "Sorry. I was with Gema and Martin earlier so I haven't checked my phone," I say. 

Hindi sumagot si Hiel. Nabablangko ang isipan ko. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero parang nabubura ang lahat ng 'yon. Kailan pa ako nagkaganito?

Kasabay no'n, naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Because I feel like I wanted to ask something but I couldn't. . . I want to know something but I don't want to know too. 

And I can't admit it. 

That moments like this make me feel sad. Because we weren't like this before. Hindi ako nangangapa noon. Hindi ako nagtataka noon kung bakit hindi ko na siya makausap nang mas maayos at kumportable. Bakit may pag-aalinlangan akong kausapin siya? Bakit may pag-aalinlangan akong lapitan siya?

Ngayon ko lang inamin sa sarili ko na napapansin ko ang lahat ng 'yon. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na mapansin ang lahat ng 'yon kasi. . . for Pete's sake, I am not like this before. I can shoot a conversation whenever I want. I can talk to anyone whenever I want to. 

So now that I feel like I couldn't cross the barrier Hiel has built around himself, I feel like an outsider of his life. Pakiramdam ko, hindi na siya ang Hiel noon. At nasasaktan ako. . . kasi pakiramdam ko, kasalanan ko kung bakit ang daming nagbago sa pagitan naming dalawa. 

Dahil ba wala ako sa tabi niya parati? Dahil nawalan ako ng oras sa kaniya? Siguro.

Maybe I was wrong about just waiting for him to tell me what his problem is. Siguro dapat, magtanong ako sa kaniya kung ano ba talaga ang problema. So I can cross that barrier. 

So I can get to him. So I can understand him.

Because I wouldn't know if I wouldn't ask, right?

I hope he's ready to open up to me.

Because God knows how much I want to reach him. 

Para kasing ang layo niya. Para kasing hindi ko siya maabot. 

Hindi ko na maalis ang tingin ko kay Hiel dahil sa naisip. Tahimik lang siyang nagmamaneho. Para bang alam niyang nakatingin ako pero hindi niya ako nililingon. Nang makarating kami sa bahay, hindi ako kaagad bumaba. 

"Hiel," I call. "The other night. . ." I trail off. 

"The other night," he starts to say as if he expected me to ask about it. "Sorry."