Choices [ENG]

13.

Ashley and I arrive in the bedroom and I throw myself on the bed, burying my head in the pillow. Ashley doesn't seem as upset as I am, but she seems very calm: in fact, I don't think she has lived through these moments in the same way we have lived them. I throw a muffled scream from the pillow. "Charlie, would you like to talk about what happened?" she asks in his usual calm and positive tone. I'm not really in the mood: I feel like I'm closing in on myself.

"No" I reply in a dry and detached way. Ashley, who seems to have known me for a lifetime and knows when I need something, walks over to my bed and sits on it. My back is turned towards the center of the room and I make room for it by moving towards the wall.

Ashley lies down next to me and puts her left arm around my side. I feel his light breath on my neck: it is regular and gives me confidence. "Is it okay if I stay here with you for a while?" she asks as if he really needs my permission. "Sure" I reply with a faint voice. "So why when you feel bad, do you tend to push people away?" she asks.

"I don't know ..." I reply even though I know very well.

"Maybe you're afraid of being hurt if you open up too much with them" she says. "Yes, maybe" I reply. Ashley laughs. "Maybe? I assure you that I think that's the way it is" she says and then hugs me. "I love you" she says in a soft voice. I feel strange: it has been a long time since someone said this to me. "Me too ..." I reply with a faint voice. "What?" Ashley asks only to provoke me: I know very well she heard. "Don't make me repeat it!" I exclaim in an amused tone. "Come on!" she says standing up so that our eyes can meet. "I love you too, Ashley" I say mechanically. "Are you happy?" I ask. "Definitely!" She exclaims, lying down again. She strokes my left arm until it comes close to my shoulder and instinctively, I retract my arm. "Oh, sorry, what have you got there? Did you hurt yourself?" she asks. "It's nothing," I reply. "If you need me to medicate it, give me a moment: I'm a needle and thread phenomenon" she says. "Ashley, it's an old thing" I say seriously, turning to her for a second. "Just ... don't touch it" I say. "Okay, okay as you want" she replies raising her hands.

I spend the rest of the day in bed: I'm destroyed not so much by what Maria said, much less by the punishment, but by what Tommy told me. It took me a long time to gain his trust and for such a bullshit, I lost it. A month and a half ago if such a thing had happened, I would have say to him to fuck off and I would have moved on but now I really care. He had become an important figure for me and a point of reference. Every time I think back to the way his disappointment was smeared on his face and that "You really let me down" my heart and stomach tighten. Ashley has been out for several hours now to train and I'm on my own. My face is streaked with tears and I can not do anything: I feel I have lost everything. Was it really worth it?

While my mind is crowded with a thousand thoughts, I hear a knock on the door. "Come on" I say without adjusting the tone of my voice and without wanting to, I say it almost screaming. It's Jesse.

"I came in peace" he says raising his hands. I laugh and cover my face with my hand. "I've already made you laugh, great" he says sitting down on my bed, next to me. I quickly wipe away my tears. "Have you cried until now?" He asks. I nod with my head down. "Hey, you don't have to" he says, raising my head with a slight movement of his hand. He runs a finger lightly on my cheek and looks deeply into my eyes. "The important thing is that now we are all together again, we will overcome the rest" he continues. Without thinking about it, my gaze falls on her lips. For a second, it crosses my mind to jump on him and kiss him. "Tommy said I let him down ..." I say trying to get rid of these thoughts. "You'll be able to clarify with him. He's an adult and he'll understand" he says, looking away. I feel embarrassed by my own thoughts. I bite my lip. "You're right ..." I say. "Come on! They're waiting for us in the canteen" Jesse says when my thought had become so strong that I really wanted to put it into action. Suddenly, I stop thinking about it and when he turns around, I quickly approach him and give him a light kiss on the lips. Jesse is confused but smiles at me. "Sorry ..." I say surprised I did. "Don't apologize ..." he says a little embarrassed. "Really, I didn't mean to" I say in a panic. "Nothing happened, really" he says putting a hand on my shoulder, while his almond-shaped eyes stare at me. "I'll wait for you outside," he says before disappearing behind the door.