Self love

Chapter 17

My biggest enemy is the voice inside of my head.

The bitter voice filled with bile and hatred.

The voice that tells me I'm not good enough.

The voice that destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence.

The voice that created all my insecurities.

The voice that over the past few years has been killing me slowly.

It was my voice, my own voice inside my head all this time.

I was my worst enemy but now I’ll become my best friend.

A best friend that I will take on the world with, conquer all my fears with and become our own saving grace.

I would be my own super woman.

How foolish I was before to put such a great responsibility in the hands of another human being. It was a task that only I could complete.

I’ve never been more ready in my entire life. No longer will I be robbed of my own happiness by my own demons.

There comes a point in your life where you have to put your foot down, stand firm and say no more.

No more will I cry myself to sleep at night.

No more will I make anyone make me feel as if I am not good enough.

No more will I let others break me.

No more bullshit.   

I know I said time for a change a few weeks ago and then I ended up right back where I started but that was different I was taking a wrong approach. I was trying to be somebody that I wasn’t.

You should never do that, never try to be somebody that you’re not. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t even harm a fly if I wanted to yet I was trying to be a “bad ass”. I guess I was just angry and that was my outlet of my anger.

Well anyway I’ve decided that the first step is to get closure. If I’m gonna start fresh I need to tie up loose strings. I need to receive answers to the questions that kept me up many nights. 

So my journey starts here. It starts with the boy who caused my walls to come crashing down (but only because I let him).

You can do this. I encourage myself mentally. You are strong, you can do this! And so without hesitation I walk quickly towards the park before I can change my mind and turn back.

Before long I spot him sitting on a bench. His short hair sways a little as the cool breeze blows around him. The branches rattle and a few leaves escape falling gracefully to the grass where they join the other fallen leaves.

His turns his head in my direction and smiles at me. A real smile that reaches up to his eyes and melts my heart. He waves at me, gesturing for me to join him on the bench and I take one last deep breath to calm my anxiety before making my way over there.

"For a second I thought you bailed on me" he chuckles shaking his head as if he can't believe that I'm actually there.

As if any moment I'll vanish from before him. Smiling back at him to assure him that I'm here for real I take a seat on the bench leaving a good amount of distance between us.

I'd rather not stare at his beautiful face as he talks; I might do something stupid like reach out and run my fingers along his perfectly shaped jaw or push a few of his hair strands that have escaped back in place. Plus I’d rather if he didn't see me cry while he talks.