Self love

chapter 15

Why is it that after a fight things always get awkward between you and that person. It’s almost like the harder you try to mend things and try to go back to the way you guys were before the worse the situation becomes.

Maybe that only happens with girls because we're so petty and we tend to harbor ill feelings towards each other in our hearts even after the situation has passed.

 But it doesn't have to be that way Jake told me that it’s up to you all you have to do is just to let go off those feelings.

Well anyway my friendship with Abby was becoming like what I described before. She apologized to me but I didn't return an apology which might add I add was very awkward. I told her that I didn't have anything to apologize for because frankly I didn't. 

She obviously disagreed but I was prepared to put up a fight. Eventually she determined that it wasn't worth ruining of friendship over so we set out or better yet she set out to try to patch things up.

But there were two that were wrong with this. One in order to make it work it would require both of us to try and she was the only one trying.

And two the things that we both said that day were horrible and they hit hard, not something that you can just easily forget. She was supposed to be my best friend but yet it felt like when I needed her most she wasn't there.

She really hurt me and obviously I hurt her too. So now that we were trying to pretend that things were back to normal it felt more of like the complete opposite. It wasn't working at all. We were basically trying to patch a hole in the wall with toothpaste; obviously it wasn't going to work.

I slowly found myself not wanting to hang around her as much or text her as often. Whenever she wanted to go out I came up with lame excuses. I was hurting her, I knew it but she had hurt me too.

Things wouldn't go back to normal so soon and maybe it was my fault or maybe it wasn't. I like to think that it wasn't my fault, I was allowed to be hurt and I was allowed to voice my feelings whether they hurt her or not.

But didn't she also have a right to voice her concerns just like you did?  Jake had asked me while we were discussing the situation.

Sometimes you gotta put yourself in the other person's shoes he said how would you react if you were them?

It was a thought I pondered on long and hard because he was right and I guess I’ve come to accept it but not enough to apologize to her. 

Maybe in due time I will, sometimes you have to compromise and meet the other person half way right? In all honesty she's my best friend and no matter what I love her but maybe we just need a little space.

I do however feel much more composed now compared to my crazy antics the other day. When I was throwing a tantrum and crying and seeking comfort in some stranger that I met at the club.

Probably wasn't the smartest move on my behalf but something good did come out of it. I made a new friend, a good friend at that.

He's been a great friend these past two weeks and I'm so grateful for that. He's just a friend though so don't get the wrong idea.

So Saturday he took me down to the harbor and we sat and talked. I told him everything from the day I met David to the fight with my mom to the break up. I've never opened up so much to someone before and it felt great.

 Surprisingly I didn't cry, maybe it was because he was there to hold me and give me advice.

He told me that I needed to patch things up with my Mom because I only had one mother and that boys would come and go but she would always be there whether I liked it or not.