Self love

chapter 9

The past three weeks have been nothing but complete shit for me. It still hasn’t gotten easier, each day it just gets harder and harder for me. 

I've had to deal with people constantly approaching me asking if David and I have broken up. Pity glances from people all over the school and my family. 

I've had to deal with the loneliness and the pain. I've had to deal with seeing them together at school everyday.I've been enduring it for three whole weeks and yet it still just keeps getting harder.

I've had to deal with a gap inside me that just seems to be getting bigger. A gap that was created when the love of my life walked out on me.

 My life has been filled with nothing but complete emptiness since David left. I never realized what I had until he was gone “only know you love her when you let her go” or in this case “only know you love him when he lets you go”.

I would have done any and everything for David. I stuck by him for almost 3 years. I was always there for him, never hesitating to go where he asked to me to go or do what he asked me to do.

 Yet when the time came he walked out on me, he didn’t sick by me. He wasn’t my ride or die. He left me in the blink of an eye without even saying a proper good bye. Did I really mean that little to him?

My whole life was centered on him no scrap that he was my whole life. He was my soul mate, my lover, my lifeline; the love of my life, David was my everything. I’m aware of how foolish I sound and how pathetic you might think I am but I have nothing without him.

It feels as if half of my heart has disappeared. One half of me has vanished. I always said I could never imagine a life without him and now I understand why because without him there is no life.

There is no reason to do anything, no reason to go on. I know you don’t understand, no one understands how much I love David. Notice I didn’t use the past tense. That’s because I still love him, I don’t think I can or will ever stop.

Maybe I didn’t tell him enough or let him know how much he meant to me but he meant a lot. Maybe I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend for him. Maybe he deserved better that’s why they took him away from me.

 Maybe I just wasn’t worthy of his love. He obviously didn’t need me but the Lord knows how much I need him. Without him here I can’t function. I can’t do anything right. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything.

I feel hopeless and numb to everything but the pain that I feel from not having him here with me. My body yearns for him, for his touch. If I can’t have him then I don’t want anyone else.

He doesn’t love me……… he never loved me.

Do you have any idea how it feels when you love someone that doesn't love you back? When you've given so much of yourself, your mind, your body, and your soul and that person could care less.

 When they’re all you think about night and day and they hardly think of you. When they don’t call, text, or come by to try and make up for what they did and yet another lonely night you've spent.

When the pain and hurt by passes your heart and cuts into your soul, and you wonder why you even care and "just let it go" is what you've been told. When you know it’s someone else and you wonder what it is that she has that you don't.

 When you’ve cried a river with your tears...given your all...tried and tried...cried too many times......when you've been on an emotional roller coaster happy, sad, depressed, and mad...when you've care about this someone more than you care about yourself...when your feelings are being ignored... When they just leave you as if everything you had was nothing.