Control my anger || Clexa AU

~ Chapter 24 ~

*One month later*

Clarke's POV

It was the day. The day of mine and Lexa's presentation. We had it all ready for long time. Ever since-- ever since she broke up with me, we had not talked once. But she had all the materials, so I believed she was smart enough to take them school.

I would see her sometime on the corridors, our looks would lock for few seconds, I'd caught her staring at me, but it all seemed colder. She seemed colder. Not a single smile. Her face was always a mask, but I could still remember the inner Lexa I got to know.

She was getting in so many fights. Even tho, I tried not to, I was getting worried every time. Some day, I'd notice a bruised eye or her destroyed knuckles. I knew what she was doing. She was destroying herself. And I was terrified to think that this time it wasn't about Costia, but me...

Month went on, but my heart did not seem to grow back a bit. I still did not know what caused her to make this decision, but I knew I was so mad at her.

I wished we could go back to the way things were. But I knew damn well that I would not be the one to make the first step. She still was the one who broke my heart.

I was more than scared about this day coming, but when it came I felt more than ready.

"Why do you seem so happy, Griffin, is today your birthday or something?" Raven asked, frowning playfully. But then she looked at the calendar and her face went down immediately. "It's today... why are you so happy?"

"I'm not happy, I'm just... ready," I smiled confidentially and nodded.

"You know, if anything, I've been wanting to fight her for a long time, so just tell me and I'll hurt her."

"I don't think you'll have a chance of that, but thanks."

She nodded. "I told her if she'd hurt my little sister, I'd hurt her, and--"

"We're literally almost the same age."

"Whatever." She grabbed her bag. "Come on, we gotta go."

***

My first class was nothing different but biology. I walked into the class to see Lexa already sitting by our desk. Through this month she either wasn't coming on this class or just sitting somewhere else. Not once she sat with me. Maybe it was better that way.

But right now, there she was. I could see all of the things ready, and at that moment, when I saw her going through her phone so calmly, in that moment the fear got the best of me. I wanted to turn around and run away, but she turned and noticed me already, and I could not do that anymore.

UGHHHHH.

I smiled, politely, and walked to her. She did not smile in answer, obviously, but she did say, "hi."

The last words I heard from her were "I'm sorry". I remembered it like it was yesterday, like the words were carved into my mind.

It still hurt like hell, even when I tried to pretend it did not.

"Hey," I more sighed out, then said. The view of her made my heart sore. It was so tough. All the readiness from before disappeared long time ago.

"I think we're ready," she said, quite positively. It was sad to notice that her face was staying the same all the time.

"Yeah, I think so," I answered. I checked my phone but there were ten more minutes to the bell. I really did not want to sit here for ten more minutes in an awkward and very painful silence.

I thought she'd remain quiet, but she suddenly turned to me and looked me right into my eyes. We were close enough for me to be able to see all these emotions in the green I knew too well.

Guilt.

Sadness.

Anger.

And pain. Lots of it.

I could feel it coming already. Tears. My heart started beating faster. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me cry. I've been trying so hard not to show her how it actually hurt.

"Clarke--" That popped k... "I'm really sorry for what I did. I was thinking maybe we could hang out some day, I hate the way we left things and--"

"I'm sorry, I have to go," I interrupted her, quickly standing up and rushing out. I knew she stared after me, but I could not handle that anymore. I could just hope she wouldn't follow me. I quickly walked into the toilet, and luckily, there was no one, so I just locked myself in the cabin.

My breathing got harder, I put my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I tried so hard not to cry, I couldn't calm down, my heart was beating so fast, I thought it'd jump out of my chest any second.

I started panting from the overwhelming feeling crushing down on me. Tears were spilling out and in between the pants I was sobbing.

"Yo, you alright?" I heard a worried voice, it seemed familiar, but I was too anxious to connect it to anyone.

"Leave me alone, please," I sobbed out.

"Clarke?!" I heard and I knew now who it belonged to.

"Raven?" I sniffed, looking up.

"Let me in, Clarke."

I was hesitant, but I opened the door for her. I could see a clear worry painted on her face.

"What happened?" she asked, but I just shook my head and closed my eyes.

In the same moment I just felt her comforting arms around me. I still sobbed, but her hands were soothing my back and it felt so much more peacefull now. I knew I was getting calmer.

When the sobbing and painting stopped, I finally pulled away.

"That was panic attack, wasn't it?" I asked, looking at her. I don't think I ever had it before. But it was terrifying.

"It was her, wasn't she?" she just said.

"She said, she's really sorry, and that she hates how we left things, and she asked if we could hang out to fix things. She wanted to say more, but I rushed out," I told her and finally moved away to the sink. I put some cold water in my hands and put it on my face. I watched it slowly slip off it.

"The class's about to start, you got this, Clarke," she whispered, looking at me in the mirror.

"God I really love you, Ray."

"I know," she grinned. "Now go and show how strong you are."