It's been a week.
The longest week of Aaron Hotchner's life.
The hardest week of his life.
Two days after her service, it was setting in that Haley was gone. No longer in his life, his son's life and the world they walked. He felt more lonely than he has ever felt in his life.
He sat in his car after dropping Jack off with Jessica for the night, because honestly he needed some time alone. He didn't want to break down in front of his son after they watched the same video over, over and over. He didn't know how long he could stay the strong hero his son knows.
Sitting in the his suv for a long 40 minutes just breathing he makes his way slowly to his front door. The threshold of his once beautiful and happy family. Gently placing the keys in the old wooden fruit bowl he locks his front door, checking it twice. Habit.
Aaron doesn't know what to do but feel sad now. His pulse quickens, and his breaths become staggering like it's hard to stay alive. Thats how she must've felt when he left her dying alone. Trudging up to his bedroom where the boxes full of all of her clothes rest. That's what he wants.
Grabbing one that's labeled "Haley's wedding" and delicately opening it as if it might be dangerous he pulls back the flaps. There. Neatly folded lays her wedding dress. White silk and ivory lace. Taking it out and draping across is legs as if she were sitting on his lap. Oh god. A single tear droplet rolls down his face onto the fragile keepsake.
Once one falls he can't hold back, letting out a frustrated groan of agony. Suddenly all of the memories from the day he first saw her in it come rushing back. Her perfect makeup. Done nails. Oh god no I can't. He lays backwards flopping onto his back clutching her dress to his chest. With more intensity than holding her cold stiff body. Control. Losing control.
He belts out loud enough for the entire house to hear "NOOO". Minutes of this go by. No just crying but sobbing.
His shuddering quick intakes of air become pants. I miss you. I can't. Please. Oh god no.
Bringing a fist full of the dress he desperately inhales the fabric. It's as if she's wearing it. So sweet. Haley no. I can't live without you.
An hour passes . As his breathing evens out Aaron lays there dazed. So overcome with grief and melancholy he can't utter anything except "I love you" mumbling into the chest of the dress.
He has prayed many time in the past week, the first time he really prayed. To God that he will never forgive himself for letting her die. Watching over her, and his son. What can he do.
His deep heartbreak. It's so deep he can feel it seep into his bones. Like a cold you can't stop. Her smile will haunt his life. Their marriage may not have been smooth in the end but oh be it to God he never regretted his love for her.
She was there for every night he came home late. Every single anniversary before Jack was born. Her sweet eyes that stared into his soul after they made passionate love. Her caring heart, nurturing their son to be a strong, independent young man. Oh god her embrace. Listing off every perfection in his mind of Haley forces his heart and lungs to burn until he was gasping for oxygen.
Again. Once he steadies his heart rate Aaron closes his damp eyes. Only visualizing her face.
He was now angry.
At Haley for locking him out of the house one time when he came home "too late". She called him selfish when he went to work. Pressuring him for the two to have a baby, thinking it would make him stay home more. She was wrong. Wrong for making him choose between her, Jack an his work. She knew he couldn't walk away from his life long passion. Did she know how hard he worked to be at the top. Oh she did know because she was there every night she fumed, glaring at him as he looked over cases at the dinner table. Oh how could he forget she cheated on him. Unfaithful. Dirty.
This rampage of pure hatred kicks him into another meltdown.
Pulling his legs up and turning to his side until he's in a fetal position, Aaron smothers his wet face with her wedding dress. Oh God. Please help. Is all he can whimper.
How stupid does he look right now. A big tough FBI agent curled up into a little ball. Like he's a little girl who got grounded. He didn't care. Because when no one was watching, he finally allowed himself to be weak. Little. Sorry.
As the hours tick by the sun sets, leaving Aaron alone, broken and hating himself. This was ALL your fault. You shouldn't have made that stupid fucking deal. You are the reason why she's dead. You are the reason she left you. You did this all to yourself Aaron Hotchner. Is what he is telling himself. Was he guilty?
