Left Alone To Cry.

Chapter 8: Fix me

NIALL'S POV

I decided to go to my mother's house today. She lives in Mullingar so it's easy to get there walking. I know my mum can get really worried and it kills her slowly knowing her children might be in danger. I just want her to feel okay, to know I'm alright.

We're both looking at each other, unable to speak. She's standing in the doorway, checking me out with her wet and emotional eyes after I said that one little word, meaning everything;

"Mum..?" 

She knows it's me, but she just can't believe it.

I try to hold on her glance but her words make me lose it all.

"N-Niall?"

A tear goes down my cheek like a thin filet of silk. 

I jump into my mum's arms and hug her tightly as I weep hardly, unable to let all my pain out.

"Mum they took me everything!" I cry as I wrap my arms harder around her body. "They took away all my life!"

I burry my face into her shoulder, getting weak. I'm shaking like a frightened child who lost all hope.

She squeezes her body against mine.

"Niall is that really you?!" my mum exclaims, letting her tears out. "My baby! What happened to you!? Where have you been!?"

I sob in her shoulder.

"Marco, the manager, mum they kicked me out of the band! They erased any signs of my existence! Mum I have nothing left, I don't know what to do..."

Mum takes me by both shoulders and takes me away from her embrace. She kisses my forehead, her cheeks glowing with tears.

"Come in." She says inviting me inside.

I dry off my eyes the best I can as I follow my mum to the living room. I sit on the couch right next to her.

She takes my hand in hers and stares into my eyes.

"What happened to you? Everybody is searching for you, Niall!"

I silently continue crying.

"As I said, Marco kicked me out of the band..." I say, squeezing her hand. "He sent me here, in Mullingar. He took away my house, they changed my whole appearance and erased every signs of my existence to the world. They think I'm not good enough to be in the band and sing with the boys... They said someone will take my place... I didn't even get to say goodbye to the boys... Oh my God, mum, I'm so lost... I don't know what to do I feel like everyone is against me..."

"You need to give yourself to the police, Niall." My mum says, wiping away my tears. "I can't accept them hurting you like this. You are good enough to be where you were, Niall. If Simon Cowell decided to put you with Liam, Zayn, Louis and Harry, it's because he saw potential in you. You didn't go that far to fall down and be left alone to cry. It's not this shaved black hair and those stupid glasses that will force you to stay in the shadow! You need to get up and fight back! Show them they can't control your life."

"Mum you don't get it." Niall sobbed. "They do control my life. If I give myself, they'll trap me. They're ready for everything, they are heartless creatures, mum. They left me on my own, alone. I just can't do anything. I'm trapped in between my house's walls, watching everyone searching for me and being invisible under their eyes. I am too weak, I am disconnected from real life. I have to learn to live with my own company. In my own misery. I can talk with nobody, they'll recognize me. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you right now. But I just wanted you to know I'm alright. I guess I'll just have to wait a few years for people to forget about me."

Mum looks at me for a long time. She breathes deeply and quickly wipes away her rebel teardrop.

"I understand." she replies. "But it kills me to see my baby in that situation. I always thought you were strong, but now I just see how hopeless you can be. And I can't let you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? You can come and live here if you want. I'll always be there for you, don't ever forget about it."

"No, mum." I refuse her invitation. "I can't come live with you, people will suspect things. No, I have to stay in the new house they gave me. I can't tell you where, I don't want you to find me. I'm so sorry for doing that, mum. I'll leave soon and I don't want you to search for me. All I want you to do is to never forget about me. You're in my heart, mum. Press yours if you ever miss me, I'll be thinking about you. Keep pretending I've gone missing. I don't want you to tell someone I came to see you. Stay here and tell everyone I'm missing. I'll come back one day, I promise."

She looks at me, her bottom lip shaking. She obviously wasn't ready to hear me say that. 

"But Nia-"

"No, mum. Trust me, I'll be fine."

I just lied. I know I won't be fine, but I don't want her to worry more.

I'd like to stay longer with my mum, I want her to console me. But I know I can't. It will probably take few minutes now before another fan knocks at her door.

I get up and she does the same. I walk to the door. I turn to my mum. She looks at me and I can tell she's holding in her sobs.

"Don't tell dad and Greg neither. You're the only one to know, mum."

She opens her arms and I hug her tightly. I can feel her heart beat going fast against my chest. 

"I'm so glad to know you're alive, Niall." she whispers in my ear. 

I let go the hug and I kiss her cheek. I look into her eyes for a long time, not able to let her go.

I finally turn the handle. 

"I love you lots, Niall."

My mum smiles at me, trying to hide her pain.

"I love you too, mum."

I blow her a kiss and I finally shut the door behind me.

I have to play this game alone.