In the Shade of Groves [COMPLETE]

Chapter 19

Song: Good Riddance by Green Day

I stand in front of the mirror, looking at the person in front of it. These past few months I have become a whole different person. I changed from someone that was too afraid to take control of their life to someone who will never let herself be stopped again. The person in front of me finally looks and feels like me; someone I can be proud of.

I adjust the cap on my head, making sure it's on tight. I debated whether or not to go to my high school graduation. There were a few days where I was sure I wasn't coming. It all felt so phony. The students walk across the stage, the parents clap, and speakers tell us about the importance of hard work and perseverance. In their speeches, they'll never mention that sometimes hard work isn't enough. Minnie worked hard her whole life but when she got to college, all that hard work meant nothing. Look at Loli, she's valedictorian and still can't get in to a state college. I guess if there's one thing I took away from high school, it's that the hardest workers aren't always the most successful.

My parents and I have been tiptoeing around each other since they told me about Minnie. I make sure only to go downstairs when I know they aren't there. Occasionally we do run into each other, which they always use as an opportunity to drum up conversation. I've gone through most of the stages of grief at this point. I went through denial and anger pretty fast. Then came bargaining. I went over everything I said to Minnie that last Thanksgiving. She was trying to tell me in her own way that she was struggling and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice. If I had really listened to what she was saying instead of shrugging it off, she might still be here today. I think I might be in a mixed depression and anger stage. I'm not sure if the stages can occur concurrently or if they're supposed to happen sequentially.

Ever since Ross left I've been feeling a lot more isolated. Knowing that Minnie is gone makes it worse. When I'm not sad, I'm pissed. Mostly at my parents. I think of all the selfish things they said to her and I blame them for her death. Then I remember what I said to her and slip back into depression, blaming myself. I'm not sure if I'll ever get to acceptance.

My parents were furious when I said I wasn't going to graduation but after Minnie, they didn't really have a leg to stand on. I think I didn't want to go mostly to get under their skin. I knew how mad they would be if I didn't attend. Not to mention what my grandmother and the people around town would think. I told them not to push the matter or I'd tell everyone what really happened to Minnie. I was lying of course. As terrible as it sounds, I don't want anyone to know Minnie killed herself either. Everyone remembers Minnie as the good girl who made excellent grades, was kind to everyone and very involved in the community. I don't want the only thing people to remember about her is that she couldn't handle the stress and killed herself. I guess I can't blame my parents too much for wanting to save face because in a way I'm doing the same. Though the face I'm trying to save isn't my own.

In the end, I decided that good or bad this is my graduation. No matter how much I hate it, I grew up in this town. If I pretend like it doesn't matter, I feel like I would be dishonoring Ross and Minnie. I can't say this town ever did much, but it lives in us as much as we live in it.

The stage that I will be walking across in a few minutes is the same stage that Minnie walked across. This is the stage that Ross should be walking across in a year but can't. I don't walk for me, I walk for them.

I also chose to walk the stage for my other friends. I've known Loli since middle school and Raven even longer. Though our friendships haven't always been perfect, or even on speaking terms, they've shown up when it mattered. They deserve to have one more voice yelling for them as their names are called. Loli has worked so hard to stand up in front of the entire student body and give her speech. It's the least I can do to listen to it.