Smile for me! - Mark Tuan ff

06

Aideen P.O.V
Waking up in the morning is still hard for me. Mainly because I love my bed and my wound isn’t helping at all. It’s definitely better,but isn’t completely healed. In the meantime , i’m doing some editings of some photos and videos of my friends, because all of them are stupid when it comes to this things. I’ve read books , watched youtube videos but that’s all. I can not leavemy room. But today , hopefully, i’ll be able to leave my room.

The only things I approve of, are the big garden in the back and the cafeteria. I know that most people do not like the food in hospitals.Trust me sometimes that shit couldn’t be fed to the dogs, but sometimes those things are surprisingly good. But the food isn’t the actual reason. I love the decor there. Calm colors and a very cozy environment. The hospital is located in the outskirts of the city and they own a lot of land. Therefore they have an open land with a lot of tall trees, flowers and benches. So whenever I need time to think or just take a break from the hospital or just this kind of life or need inspiration , those gardens are my go-to place.

So today , I needed that time. I needed to unwind.Carefully I put on my clothes so I won't hurt my wound because I do not need another cut on my stomach. I have enough scars. This is not the first time that I havehad this kind of operation on me.

I got my breathing machine , mask and went out. Slowly I made my way out of the hospital.

The feeding tube being infected isn't something new. I have 2 or 3 other scars. They represent places that my tube used to be. It is not a a pretty view to look at. My mother always thought that I should get those treated with a plastic surgery. But that means that I'll spend another one or two hours in an operation room. In hospital. I always disagreed with her. But who will look at me with all those scars. Who will like me enough to be more than a friend? But let's be honest. Why would they? A life in hospital,  no future. Who would put themselves in this kind of situation? Even I wouldn't want to. That's why I've never had a relationship with someone else.

I hadn't noticed but I had arrived at the gardens and I was already drawing. I love the view. Tall trees planted on both sides of the road making it look like some kind of green tunnel. Kids running to their mothers. Playing happily. Big smiles. Innocent. Positive outlook for life. I wish I could see the world like I did when I was kid. More colors. More light. The world didn't have so many problems. It wasn't so dark.

I've read somewhere that we stop being kids when we stop jumping onto things. There's when we stop being innocent. There's when we become awere of the real world. There's when we know we will have problems. When the wold isn't so bright and happy.

"Nice drawing!" I suddenly become aware of my surroundings. I drop my notebook and my pen on the ground. I immediately start shaking and look behind me where the voice came from.

"Hey! Hey! Don't worry it's me! I'm not going to hurt you!" Dr. Tuan came in front of me and held my hand, in a reassuring way. I try to regain my breath and my body stopped shaking. "Keep breathing! Look at the view. Concentrate on the trees. On the kids.  On the flowers. The sun shining. On your heartbeat. Everything is alive , you are too. You are safe." I looked at everything he said. Trying to regaining my breath.

"Look at me, please! Look into my eyes!" I shifted my eyes to his.  "Good! Now breath with me. Do not think of anything. Keep your focus on me." He said. I followed his breathing patterns. It was calming.

Not for a moment did I leave my eyes from his. They were a dark shade of brown almost black. They were cold but at the same warm. Welcoming but scary. He is a great doctor I can tell that, because he is able to not show emotions in his face. But the eyes always betray people. If you see close enough and deep enough you could see what he is feeling. I could see worry, sadness,  sorry? He feels sorry about what though?