Smile for me! - Mark Tuan ff

04

Aideen P.O.V

You know what I hate the most?

When i say to my parents that i'm not feeling okay and they say to me : "oh what is wrong with you? You have everything you want. School is going fine, if you ask for something we will get it for you. So what do you want more?" This is how it goes down almost every single time. But what they do not get is that maybe is not about them granting my wishes. Sometimes maybe I'll need a hug , but i'm too afraid to ask for one. Maybe I need for them to be just there and ask me how I am doing or if anything is bugging me. Knowing me , i'll definitely say that everything is fine but i want to know that they will be there for me.

Also what i hate is when i'm not feeling like myself or i don't want to do something they still find a way to make me even more depressed or angry at my condition. Like I know that I'm lazy, I know that I'm not helping you, I know my grades aren't as they used to be, I know that I've changed, I know that I've been in my room all day. So please for the love of God stop telling me that. Stop pointing it out. It won't help me get better. I won't change because of your words, but you want to know what will happen? The way I'll act around you and my answer. I will be more angry and I'll lose my temper quickly than I normally do. I will hurt yours and mine feelings.

If I say that I want to go and see a therapist or a something , the answer I'll receive is that this is just a phase and it will pass. Or they will say that i'm exaggerating or I'm seeking attention. Nothing is permanent, they say.

I may be going through a panic attack or even a breakdown but they don't see it. They think that I need to start shaking, breath heavily or even start hyperventilating, sweating like crazy , that is what they consider a panic attack. Or for me to go through a mental breakdown I need to start breaking things, crying like a baby after. Or i need to cut myself, or even do drugs.

What people don't get is that depression and anxiety aren't just that. There is another side. The side of depression where you don't want to do anything anymore. You just lay down in your room , with a feeling of emptiness like a hole inside of you. The problem is that you don't even know how to fill it. You don't want to do anything, even the things you once used to count down the seconds when the time would come for you to re-do. So what do you do? You just spend your time kind of waiting for it to empty. But nothing happens. So you feel empty and guilty for not going anything at all. This goes for a long time till you find the strength to do something.

Another thing that i don't like is that people think that whoever suffers from depression and anxiety can not feel anything but pain and sadness. Depression and anxiety are disorders and they hit like waves, but that doesn't mean that we can not be happy , smile and laugh. Just like everyone else in this world we can feel good emotions. It's just that sometimes the bad one's get the best of us.

We aren't crazy or lunatics , we just need time to sort things in our head and we will come around and talk about it with you. So all we need is a little bit of time. That's all I'm asking.

Tomorrow morning...

I woke up and got ready since I had to go to that goddamn appointment. Do I hate it? Yes! Can I not go? Nope! But you may ask , why do I hate so much. I feel like an experiment to them. Endless tests, scanners , operations, different pills to see if they will work or not, if they do, eureka , the experiment is successful, if not , there are a hell of things to do and try. I feel like a bird being stuck in a cage, no way out, no way to enjoy life. I love to go out and paint , sing , see friends , and overall just have a fun time and enjoy life. But nooooo, I have to go and be an experiment for some dudes. There isn't much left for me to do . besides go there and accept my destiny.