not proof read so let me know if there's spelling or typos.
Keep holding on- Avril Lavigne
TW- ED, Suicide, Weight, Self harm.
Meredith Grey
I'm thinking hard about what Addison has said, and what Dr Garcia has been saying since she met me. Only I can choose to recover. It sounds inane if I'm totally honest. Who would choose to live such a miserable life? I definitely didn't choose to get anorexia. I didn't choose to be depressed or traumatised. I don't control what manifests into ptsd. Perhaps choice is the wrong word. Only I can make the steps towards recovery. I like that better.
It is scary. I have to do the work to get better. I can't sit back and expect the medication to work magic. There's a fight involved and I just don't know if can be bothered to win. It seems too hard, too long. I'll be punched in the face time and time again, and more than likely emerge with bruises and scars and I'm trying to weigh up if it is worth it. In my mind, I am engaging in therapy, and I'm doing my best to stay open and honest with the people who are trying to support me. It seems I need to do more...push myself the way I did with the exposure therapy. I can see a life without my eating disorder. It's modelled around me everyday. It's just too scary to let go of.
As usual, when I'm trying to avoid something, I bury myself in work. Charts for me today, since there's a big transplant surgery and the attending I'm assigned to has flown across state to retrieve the organ. Apparently, I've missed too much to scrub in on this one, so Dr Bailey has the pleasure of chaperoning me in the ER.
My eyes light up when a rig pulls up in the ambulance bay and I go to get up, but Bailey shoots me down.
"Those charts don't look done to me Dr Grey, and until those charts are done you're not cutting anybody open!" she lectures as she ties a trauma gown round her neck and flies through the automatic door.
"17 year old female, GCS 14, passed out on arrival but gained consciousness after a glucose shot. Suspected eating disorder, multiple lacerations to the right arm." The EMT reels off, whizzing past me with the gurney and heading into exam room one. I instantly stand up, but Dr Torres, who has been charting next to me, pulls me back down.
"No, Dr Grey. You don't need to get involved."
I know Callie's trying to look out for me. I assume she knows about my run in with Indiana. I wonder how that girl is? Addison said she'd be coming in to get her stitches out soon but I've not seen her. Maybe she went to county?
But anyway... the situation with Indiana caught me off guard and triggered me quite badly. I suppose it's responsible for me to stay outside. Is this what Grace means when she says I have to 'choose recovery'?
I try my hardest to focus on the charts in front of me, but I can hear commotion coming from the exam room. I stealthily wheel my chair over to the other side of the desk so I can catch a glimpse of what's going on.
Apparently I wasn't as subtle as I thought.
"Meredith...." Callie warns.
"What?"
"Don't get involved!" She tuts.
"I'm not!" I argue. "I'm just watching!"
"The ER is not an entertainment show for you Dr Grey!'
YOU ARE READING
What She Needs
FanfictionMeredith Grey has never had a real mother. She's never relied on another person and learnt that letting people in only gets you hurt. Will she be able to accept help, or will childhood trauma prevent Meredith from leaning into mother-like comfort? ...
