What She Needs

36: This Is Me Trying

Just a warning guys, I'm working on an ending for this story at roughly chapter 50. I'm considering spin offs and new works entirely, but this story is over halfway now. Not that there won't be more action in the coming chapters 😉 I can't Thankyou enough for all your support for my writing. I only started this story to practice writing and I can't believe how many people have commented to say they're enjoying it! Means the world.

This Is Me Trying- Taylor Swift

Meredith Grey

So this is it then. The first step... well the next first step. Time to really work through this. I told Dr Garcia I want to go back to work today. For some reason, the trauma feels a little bit easier to work through than my depression (although I know these things often go hand in hand). There's a tangible cause to my emotions- a cause and effect. It makes sense to my scientific brain.
The flashbacks are easing- they can be explained by chemicals and triggers. I can calculate scenarios and their risks.
I think that's why I struggle so much with food and cutting- I'm numbing something I don't even have words for. I'm working on finding them though.

Grace was apprehensive about my return to Seattle Grace after almost 12 weeks, especially since two of those were spent with Thatcher. She didn't want me to throw myself into work as a distraction, but it's not. At least, I don't consider it to be. If anything, it'll be a trigger. The last time I was there was the night of.... well.... that night. I've found resolve to work through these triggers. It'll be hard. But it's productive. This is something I can do to help myself, when I've felt helpless for so long.

"Grey! Lovely to see you!" Bailey greets me just before rounds start. Her deep brown bob is glossy and curled just under her chin in a put together fashion and her scrubs are ironed to perfection- a signifier of the new working week.

Bailey treats me nicer than the other interns nowadays. It's condescending, but at the same time, I'd be a fool to not accept her support. It's not like she gives me special treatment... more like concessions and adaptations, so I'm on the same playing field as the rest of my class.

"Morning Dr Bailey. I'm happy to be here." I nod, still feeling a little rigid in the hospital walls.

"Dr Robbins has requested you, Grey, so after rounds make your way to peds for me. Keep your pager on, I'll be checking in."
Dr Bailey has her no nonsense tone, as she always does when at work, but since our meeting after I left the psych ward, I've noticed a motherly aura to her. She commands this respect with the quirk of an eyebrow, but then appears as a loving teddy bear, when the corners of her mouth upturn.

God, being on a psych ward gets your really good at analysing people, huh!

"Dr Bailey, I uh, I just..."

"Take your time, Dr Grey." She moves her gaze down to her pager, so the eye contact doesn't add to my nerves.

"I was wondering, if I could maybe skip rounds today and go straight to Ari.. I'm mean Dr Robbins."

"I guess so... why?" She cocks her head.

"I uh... I don't think I'm ready for the unpredictability of rounds. I'm not the best with uhh men yet..."

It's true. Derek and I are comfortable, but I'm still twitchy. Sudden movements and loud noises are not settling well. Derek has even made an effort to stop clearing his throat. He knows it catches me off guard.

Bailey nods.

I'm proud of myself for asking for what I need though. I'm trying my best. But I'm not ready to be around male strangers with out Arizona by my side. That's okay. I'll be ready soon.