What She Needs

35. Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed by Royal & The Serpent

Part two to 34: Anxiety

Addison Montgomery

Derek scooches his chair closer. Meredith freezes. Her eyes are wide and her nails go to her wrist, as if she's preparing to scratch herself.

"Wait." I interrupt. "Meredith. Breathe."

"I'm gonna throw up."

"No you're not. There's a trash can behind you, but you won't need it. You are in control. It's over." I assert.

Derek reaches forward to grab the television remote, but toys with it for a moment or two. He needs to pass it to Meredith, but he seems uncomfortable with making her more anxious.

"Oh for God's sake, if you're gonna be weird about it you might as well go." Meredith snaps. It's out of character for her to snap at Derek, but then again, her anxiety is a lot higher than usual, and Derek is kind of the reason for that right now.

"Sorry. Here, find something to watch."

I'm surprised that Meredith takes the remote with no fuss. Like Grace says, perhaps she really does have a higher tolerance than I give her credit for.

I slink out the room ready to prepare lunch.

"What does everyone want on their sandwiches?" I yell from the other room.

"Guys?"

"Hello???"

No one replies.

I guess we're all having chicken ceaser then.

I hear a couple of cries from the lounge as I spread the butter on the bread- a thicker coating for Mer, she still needs the calories- I assume Derek's moved closer to her.

"You're okay. Deep breaths. It's just me." I hear Derek reassure.

"I can't! I can't! It hurts!" She wails.

"I know it hurts. Push through.... no no, don't pull your hair! Stop it Mer, put your hands down! Good, now breathe."

I make the rest of my sandwiches very quickly, not even bothering to cut them in half. My instinct is to go rescue Mer. I stop myself. She needs to rescue herself.

I appear in the door way as she starts retching into the trash can. Derek instinctively goes to hold her hair, but I stop him.

"Are you done, Mer?"

She turns around and gives me evil eyes.

"Come on, come have a drink. It'll get the taste out of your mouth."

She perches on the edge of the couch, and tolerates Derek bringing the plastic cup to her lips.

"Better?" Derek asks.

"yeah." she admits.

"Can we just get this over with? I'm tired of being anxious!"

As Derek eats his own sandwich, he holds Merediths to her lips so she can eat hers. I didn't mean for him to feed her exactly, but it can only be a good thing if she can cope with his hand that close to her face.

"A few more bites, baby girl." Derek encourages when she starts to turn away.

"Nuh uh."

"Yes, come on. You have to have your whole sandwich, or an ensure. You know the rules." It surprises me to see Derek be tough with her, especially given the situation, but perhaps their time apart has allowed them to grow separately. Meredith is obviously less reliant on his validation, and Derek is learning to find purpose outside of loving Mer. They're still perfect for each other though.

It's times like these I remember why I fell in love with Derek Shepherd. The way he ran his hands through my hair when I was tired or uncomfortable. He'd massage my tummy when I had period cramps. He'd sit for hours, listening to me ramble about some TV show he never even watched, and he'd go through charts with me when I was tired, so I could get them done extra fast. The way he just sits and smiles at Meredith- he used to sit and smile at me. And I'd giggle and shrug, but he'd just stare and smile. His kind, kind eyes.

A crash jolts me from my daydream. As I kind of expected, Meredith's plastic cup falls to the floor, as she brings her arms up to cover her head in self defence. She's no longer in the room with us. She's with Thatcher.

"Come on, sweetheart. Come back to us." I coo for a while. I try and let her work through it herself. After all, with healing comes flashbacks, and she might have one when I'm at work. she needs to learn to self soothe. But for her first real flashback, I can't resist playing with her fingers and clasping her hands to try and bring her back down into my world.

"Addie?" Her tentative voice cracks as she raises her head from the knees she pulled to her chest.

"Hey. You were out for about five minutes, sweetheart."

"I fainted?" She asks.

"Not quite... you weren't with us though." Derek answers.

"Oh."

"Its alright, baby. It was bound to happen."

"So I got more of these coming my way? Great." She rolls her eyes.

"Remember what Grace told you. There is no timeline for healing." I add.

"Still sucks though."

"Of course it does." Derek instinctively brushes the bangs that are falling in front of his girlfriends face behind her ear. She does freeze, but allows him to continue caressing her never the less.

"Keep breathing baby girl. Take yourself somewhere nice in your mind. Me and you in bed in the mornings, and the sun streaming in. It's warm, and the sheets are soft, and I'm holding you and you're safe. Or you and Cristina in the tunnels. She's just told you a hilarious joke. She's there with you, and you know she'll fight anyone that tries to cross you. She's your protector, we all are. Think about how Cristina adjusts your mask and ties your gown before surgery. She cares for you. I've never seen her affectionate with anyone but you."

Meredith seems to be slipping. Her eyes are shut, and she sinks into the bliss of Derek's hand in her hair. He tries a kiss on her forehead, and for a second I think she'll snap out of her haze, but she centres herself with a breath and melts into his comfort.

"It's over its over its over." She says.

"Its over Mer. You're safe now."