Love The Way You Lie

25. Sam

I was out of the hospital, sitting in what would be my room for the next few hours...
The doctors had given me a ton of information about the program that I would be following to help me with my anxiety. I had accepted to go get help and honestly, I was a little scared. I didn't know what they could possibly do that could help me that much, but I was desperate and needed to get away. My mom had sent me the directions to the clinic. A bus was leaving tonight at 8 pm to take me to my destination.

I was curled up on my bed, nervous at what everyone would think. I needed to say goodbye to my other family and make sure they knew I was not leaving because of them. I knew that I couldn't tell them where I was going, especially Tom. I didn't want him to come visit me there. It would only make me feel like one of those cheesy dying girls in romantic movies where the girl says her last words as the guy cries and then there's this tragic music that starts playing in the background and then everyone cries or dies! So yeah... I didn't want him to worry or see me while I was doing the treatments. I only wanted to see him once I was better... if he would see me after...

I took a deep breath and slowly got up, dragging my body to Sam's room. I weakly knocked on the door and let myself in. As I looked at him, for a second there I saw us as children. Happy, laughing and running round as we didn't care about anything else then the present moment. Now life was so complicated and hard.

"Hey Sammy..." I weakly said as I knew I was not going to be able to withhold my tears.

"Hey... what's wrong?" He asked with a soft voice as he hugged me then led me to his bed.

"Sam... you know me well... I mean, better than anyone else. You've been there for me during my good and bad times. Well... I... I can't deal with the bad times anymore..." I said looking down as I started to tear up.

"Emily? What did you do!? Do I have to call an ambulance!?" He said nervously as he got out his phone in panic.

"No! No! No! Not that!" I shouted as I grabbed his arm and slowly sat him back down next to me. "Sam... I'm leaving..." I said softly as I saw his saddened face.

"What— what do you mean leaving..?" He sobbed, confused.

I wanted to explain to him that I had to face my past if I wanted to be able to have a future. I needed to explain that I couldn't let myself hit rock bottom one more time. I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to get up again...

"You remember when we were about 16... we went to the... ummm... party and there was this guy who... umm..." I struggled as my voice started breaking.

"I know... you don't have to say it..." Sam reassured me as he rubbed my back.

"Ok... well... you remember that I went on a vacation for two weeks after that night..?" I breathed out slowly.

"Yeah? You went to see your friend in Sussex right?" He said a little confused.

"I was actually at home..." I whispered out of shame.

"Why..?" Sam asked worriedly.

"Because I was depressed and felt... like I... I don't know... I didn't want you to see me like that. I felt like I was in a dark corner and I know what you are gonna say! That I could've asked for your help... but, I couldn't. I needed to fix myself. I thought that... if I wasn't able to help myself get out of this darkness, then no one could... And... The problem is... I'm starting to feel like that again... like someone... turned off the lights again. If I don't get help Sam, serious help... I'm scared of what could happen... I want to be happy, really happy... a form of stable, everlasting happiness. I'm tired of this rollercoaster..." I sobbed as I was now crying.

"But why do you need to leave?!" Sam asked with a bit of anger in his voice caused by his worry.

"Sam please! Calm down ok..." he took a deep breath and looked at me with tears in his eyes. "Look. My mom found this clinic, and they can help me face my problems and I guess... help me deal with my anxiety..." I said trying to stay calm.

"What about Tom?" He wondered after a little silence between us.

"I'm gonna tell him... but I need to make sure I get better before—" I started as I buried my face in my hands with despair before Sam interrupted me.

"Before you're labeled as Tom Holland's girlfriend and the whole world start to invade your life?" He said with a sarcastic chuckle.

"Yeah..." I laughed.

After joking around and laughing, Sam and I looked at each other silently. It was as if we both knew that everything would be alright... yet it was breaking both our hearts, even if it was just a couple of months...

It was time for me to say goodbye to the next person.

"Sam... I love you. Please promise me... that... while I'm gone... you'll take care of yourself and... and Tom... please?" I sniffed as we were hugging.

"I promise Em..." he said resting his chin on the top of my head.

I left our embrace as I backed away from him, turning the door knob behind me. I looked at him one more time and gave him a sympathetic smile that he gave me back as tears fell down our faces.

« I love you », I mouthed to my best friend as I stopped.

« me too », Sam whispered back, closing his eyes before I closed the door behind me.

I slowly walked down the stairs to find Nikki, Dom and Paddy drinking tea at the kitchen table.