June

Sixteen

I have stood in the rain more times
than I can count. Trying to understand how my heart must feel when it cries...
day in, and day out.
I've lived inside this flesh for decades,
and still it does not feel like home.
I am a visitor, an unwanted guest
causing its host to feel misplaced.
~ Atlas

***

Everything I thought I knew about the world and the people in it completely changes in a scathing two seconds. I've kissed boys many times before, mostly at the hands of alcohol and my terrible influence of a friend, but this is different. This isn't kissing. This is breathing.

His lips mold against mind like two puzzle pieces sliding together with a click, creating a grand picture once joined. This feeling of infinite sparks doesn't last long when I get a hold of my bearings and let go. "Shit." 

My eyes go wide with uncertainty of the gravity of what I've just done. I push myself a steps-length back from him to catch my breath. "I don't know why I did that. I'm so sorry." Am I sorry though? He kissed me back. That says everything and nothing all at the same time.

He looks just as bewildered as I do. Uneasy and conflicted. What if I just completely ruined this platonic relationship we've had. Getting to have Corpse in my life has been incredible and to think I've just messed everything up breaks me inside. 

He runs his fingers through his hair nervously. "It's okay," He grabs one of my shaking hands into his taking me by surprise, "There's nothing to apologize for." The roughness of his fingers remind me of the beach. Rough but soft, gentle but strong. I didn't know he worked out but the small amount of calluses on the tops of his palms says otherwise.

"I disagree, I feel like there's lot's to apologize for here." I respond in a panicked manner, feeling that anxiety bubble, I've grown to know so well, building up. 

I look down to our hands, his thumb gently padding my skin. "Look, you've dealt with a lot today. Don't stress." 

I'm at a loss for words because I can't tell if I'm relieved to hear him say that or utterly disappointed. He's right. People do crazy things when they're overtaken by emotion. Things they don't always mean. But it felt so right before, during, and even after. Part of me wants to do it again.

With my lack of response, he decides to change the subject. "So uh, what do you wanna do today? It's your birthday in case you've forgotten." 

Fuck if I know? My brain is in a million places all at once, I don't know anything. I don't even know how to function as a proper human being anymore. So in my tornado of a head, the only thing I can think to say is, "Let's watch a movie." 

"Okay then, I'll order the food and you choose the movie." 

With that he gets up off the bed and pulls his phone out of his back pocket. Just as he's about to leave the room, I find myself calling for him. "Corpse?" 

He turns back to look at me. "Hm?" 

The way his curls are resting against his forehead with his lips looking freshly kissed, it sends rivers down my stomach. "Thanks you. For the necklace...For everything." 

We stay like this for a moment, staring at each other across the room, until he smiles gently and disappears. I should be grabbing my laptop to search for movies but I can't move. The moment keeps replaying in my head over and over. His lips on mine, mine on his.