I Always Come Back for You

Chapter 4. Part 4.

*

This time they rented the whole restaurant/bar since the place is small and the group is bigger than the last one. There is a big room that attaches the hallway leading to the restroom. Beer makes me thirsty and when I'm thirsty I drink even more beer, then I have to go to the restroom. It's a vicious circle but I don't mind it. Hyung doesn't play the shepherd tonight, on contrary he lets me drink as much as I want. To him I'm a brat on the verge of losing his future, having a disbanded group, a bad reputation, and no experience of the real world. So, he lets me drown myself in the sorrow of my collapsed life for tonight. I get up for the tenth time to go to the restroom and thank god for Hyung's quick thinking for placing us so close to the door and far from others so I can avoid the chatter about my bruised face that brings the last night's scandal and the possibility of my group getting dispersed to the light. I feel dizzy and my head is spinning like a Ferris wheel or maybe the men's restroom is spinning. I can't tell. Holding on to the hard edge of the washing basin I hear the door clicking and Dae Sung's indistinct phantom appearing in the mirror. This is familiar. We have been here before. The very first time we rehearsed. 

"Are you alright?"

 Huh! Even the opening dialogue is the same. Dae Sung's social convention textbook; edition one. But this time I don't have time for a pity party. 

"What if I'm not? Are you a doctor?" 

That must have the desired effect since he despises rude and sarcastic people. His tone gets edgy 

"No. I'm not. But you might need one if you keep going on like this" 

I don't know what he means by 'this' is he referring to my excessive drinking or my bruised eyes. 

"I have too many bosses. It's irritating" I hiccup. 

He ignores the comment "I thought you said you hated violence." He points at my face. 

I rub on the split lip "No. I said I wasn't good with using violence. I'm familiar with the concept though. I get roughed up too often. I told you that." 

He narrows his eyes glaring at me "What you try to say is that you start a fight even though you are fully aware you will get beaten to a pulp?" He inquires. 

I pinch my nose 

"Exactly." 

And turn to leave but lose my footing and slip, my knees give away and I'm so close to hitting my head to the hard-ceramic sink. His hands come to the rescue lifting my weight before I break my head. That would have been ugly if I broke my head. He swears under gritted teeth and his hard expression ticks something inside me, ejecting his supportive hand I fight for balance on my feet 

"Let me go and don't you dare pity me" I snarl. 

He steps back surprised then gets his composure back 

"Look! Your behavior lately has been self-destructive. I know your band is going through some hardship but your actions are obviously a cry for help; loud and clear. You need help Nam Il."

He points calmly. 

"Are you offering?" I see him hesitate to answer 

"See? Everyone is like that. Everyone knows how to order me to do things better but no one offers help. You're no different than them after all. I have enough people to scold me and nag me. Don't need more. " 

I know I'm slurring and my tone is bitter as my words. I'm truly drunk. I should leave. He doesn't stop me as I make my way to the door with stumbling steps but before the door closes to him bending on the sink I hear him mutter 

"What have they done to you?"

 Before I can process his words I see Hyung deep in thought in the hallway and all of a sudden I feel this burden weighing on my shoulders is breaking me. I step forward and place my head on his shoulder. He is my biggest ally and enemy at the same time. I can't run from him, not this time. He lets me rest my head without uttering a word and that's comforting. Then he pats my head 

"You must be tired." 

Very, very tired. I don't say anything, just breathe in the air filled with sweat, beer, and tobacco That's when I feel that his shirt is getting damp with my tears leaving a wet spot on his shoulder. He doesn't seem bothered by it. He had seen me breaking down a few times but he has never been this quiet. I find his silence merciful. He doesn't say that it's gonna be ok or the group will be back in no time with a powerful mind-blowing comeback or any kind of bullshit similar to the ones He was giving to other members today on our way back from the company. Maybe deep down he knows those are my least worries. 

"Maybe you should rest after this. You know the play has ended and you can rest." 

I sob faintly 

"To reflect?" I ask quietly.

His arm finds my shoulder, pulling me further to him 

"No idiot. Just rest. You don't have to do anything. Don't think about anything" 

"I wish I could do that. Everything has fallen apart" 

He goes quiet for a second then murmurs 

"I know. It must be hard" 

He should be scolding me but he is weirdly accepting and kind today. That's scary. Maybe the world really has come to an end. I'm falling fast and he can sense it too.

**