I Always Come Back for You

Chapter 4. Part 3.

**

There is a moaning sound echoing in the silent room. My hands reach for the light switch but it's far and the darkness has filled the room. I have arrived home but I can't remember when a whimper leaves my lips and my face is wet. Tears are sliding on my cheeks and I realize that the weeping sound is coming from me. I'm on my knees on the hard floor and there is an ever-growing pain in my chest that is killing me from inside. What is it? Does being heartbroken always feel this unbearable? It's like someone has punched me in the chest with all power. This pain brings images of that ass Dae Sung with his smirk. All the memories are back, crippling me, outside the humble window the sky is darker than ever and I have never felt lonelier and emptier than now. It feels like my soul is drained out of me and I'm an endless well, soulless, alone and broken. No. This can't be. So, this is how love hurts. I cry harder at the memory of his threatening eyes in that damn changing room and there are places inside me that are ripped and torn to pieces. I'm a grown-ass man at his 27 crying like a baby. But I've never been in love like that, never been shredded, never been bare of feelings to this point. Is it always like this, being in love I mean? Or this was some kind of extraordinary love that Nam Il had for that smug? Ah! Nam Il. What have you done to me? Now I have to suffer from being in love with a man and not any man but a famous one who doesn't even know I exist! It's the worst. I can't possibly be in love with that jerk. Nam Il. I have to find you and give this overwhelming love back to you. This can't go on like this. I'm not ready to be in love with a man. God! Stop this craziness right now. I take back what I said about cohabitation with this Nam Il guy. I can't take all his feelings. Please go away Nam Il. Let me be in peace. I finally find the light switch and now I can see my laptop resting on the desk. Pulling myself up I reach it and start hastily searching. Choi Nam Il. Choi Nam Il. This is odd. If the visions are real which I'm sure of, then this Nam Il should be a famous singer in a famous band but there is no result for his name. I scroll down the screen to find more info but there is just a LinkedIn link of a guy with a similar name who at least might be 50 and runs an electronic company. Nothing like the Nam Il in my visions. But what does he look like? When I'm him, I only get to see his point of view and there is no image of him in my mind. How do I look like as Nam Il? Am I handsome? He has a bigger structure than me since I have always been this small weakling boy and almost anyone is bigger than me. I'm not that short though, around 173 cm but have always been underweight. I admit I don't know many things about the guy who is taking over my body and mind but I will find a way to reach him.

*

I tried to wreck my memory( his memory) to find names. Name of the company or the band or his stage name, since I thought that the only reason he didn't appear in the search result with his real name is that he must have had a stage name. But it seems my access to his memories and information are limited or blocked. Well, these are terms I came up with and sound like cool sci-fi movies. The memory rush is quite selective and I don't have any control over it. That's why it can happen anywhere as long as there is an external stimulant that can bring pieces of memory to me and that's when I see the visions. That's all I could make out from the late-night research yesterday from psychological sites to psychic and host a ghost blog. Today this was confirmed when I met Mr. Park in his office to receive my task schedule and be informed of my duties. I asked him about his first impression of me and he told me that in the first 30 minutes of the conference session in Auckland I was talking about the importance of semi-urban domestic culture in the Korean context. Which is odd but makes sense since he handed me a schedule to be present in focus groups of traumatized people by domestic violence, hatred violence, and such! I wonder if this has been Nam Il's suggestion and part of his plan to drag me here all along. That sly guy. When it was set up that I would be the intermediator for upcoming focus groups I left the office more determined on my earlier discovery. I had been chosen by Nam Il for a mission for sure.