I Always Come Back for You

Chapter 4. Part 2.

*

Chewing the persistent piece of skin on my lips, I stand with other actors in a line, waiting for the curtain to be drawn. My heart still beats with a crazy rhythm but this time is not the stress of playing for the first time anymore. It's anger, pure rage, and humiliation. I'm angry at myself more than anyone. Why would I let these feelings go so far, to have this much power on me to be able to break me in seconds? Next to me, Mr. Mo and on my other side standing is Mrs. Eun who plays the boss of the brothel, at the far end of the stage, are Mrs. Han, Dae Sung and two actors who play my subordinates with one who plays Yeon who helps Kang Min to find Soo Min and find his salvation meanwhile. The curtain is lifted and the spotlight hits me, the sound of clapping echoes in the big hall. Then we stand aside while, Mr. Mo unfolds tonight's story with his enticing voice, introducing Kang Min as the indefatigable rebel he is, looking for the path to happiness, telling his journey out of jail and to a fishy neighborhood to find the loved one and let go of the unfaithful friends. I stand alerted for my part to enter the scene, my mind empty and sweat dripping from my neck, leaving a wet line on my shirt. Standing in the darkness, sheltered behind the curtain I see Dae Sung moving about the stage, owning it, spotlight giving him space to shine, to be the center of attention. But what of me? I'm here in the darkness, I have to jump out of the shade and make it hard for him to be the one who wins. But in the end, I won't be seen, I'm doomed to return to darkness and vanish in the aftermath of the ultimate happiness that awaits him. Huh! Isn't that awfully ironic? My turn to go and repeating that to myself reminds me of that song from Rihanna; Russian Roulette' about someone trapped in the Russian Roulette game. Hesitating to shoot, no turning back. I step on the stage, and the ugly circle light finds me to zoom on my trembling body and I exactly feel I just shot myself and the shotgun really had one bullet left. I stand in front of Dae Sung and deliver my lines, avoiding his questioning eyes. The alley scene is finished. Good job me for acting like a robot out there. I leave the stage to hide behind the curtain again so Kang Min can go on his scavenger hunt and once I step out and the adamant light finally leaves me alone, I heave a sigh reliving the breath I held the entire time. A few more scenes of me then this horrendous night will end. I should hang in there for a few hours, then it's over at least for tonight then tomorrow I will be over this stupid crush and the petty heartbreak. Nine more nights to go then I don't have to see him and I'll be back to my miserable life, worrying about nonsense, being nagged by Hyung, being stomped by company demands, feeling small and humiliated, and struggling to stay on the surface. Yay! I can't wait to take my horrible life back when this charade is all over. It's better this way. I mean I can't cope with the sexual awakening and the confusion. I am already dealing with my own demons and have enough on my plate with idol life, where did I expect it to go with another man in this cruel industry? Yes. This is better. Ahh! Stop thinking. Stop thinking right this instant. I rub my face in frustration and my hair hangs from my head when I lean to stare at my shoes in defeat. It's not ok. It's not better at all. I'm trying here but it doesn't get easier and the unwelcome pain doesn't go away. It shouldn't hurt this much. I have predicted that these one-sided feelings would end at some point but not this soon. Tomorrow I will forget for sure.

*

My next and last scene for tonight is a flashback of the moment Tae Su turned his back to Kang Min and disappeared from his life to come back later, to take revenge. I enter the stage, decorated as a sloppy small apartment in a shady neighborhood. I don't knock on the door since I have good news for Kang Min and Soo Min. I have to share with them. I received a job offer in a proper organization and it's worthy of celebration. Penniless days are over. I find my way to the bedroom but stop at what I see. Kang Min and Soomin entangled in each other, laying on the bed, talking of their dreams.

Soomin "Then we run away with that money. No? "

She places her head on his broad shoulder.