Toxic and in Love

Too much

(TW ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND SUICIDE NOTE)

A/N~ I have no clue when this happened but it did sometime in 2020 and I wanted to include it. So I found out there were some events before this occurred so I will try to explain it to the best of my ability. And I will be posting the actual note I wrote during this night. Also I'm trying to write this in present tense but past tense may accidentally pop up.

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Arson's Pov~ 

It's November 7th and I'm sleeping over at Emilice's house today. I absolutely love sleeping over at her house it's always so much fun! A few nights ago I did something horribly stupid. I texted Emilice telling her that I'd wanna be Elsa if they did Frozen Junior and I know she wanted that role very much. I texted her saying you will probably get the mom again ha!  She blocked me and told Brody to tell me Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop being an asshole or else I will pretend she doesn't exist anymore 😊. And we didn't talk to each other for the rest of that day. I've never not talked to her for half a day it was so hard I wanted to tell her every little bit of my day. We had rehearsal that night and I avoided her so much I was so afraid, we also had this caroling thing and we both didn't like anyone else there so it would've been very weird. She came over by me and said she wasn't mad. We apologized and now here we are. 

I arrive at Emilice's house. We always have a sleepover before railroad so we can practice our lines. Railroad is where we have to be off script and if we mess up we have to do push ups it's not that fun. The current show is Willy Wonka Junior. I play Veruca Salt, the bratty British girl. Emilice plays Charlie's mother. And Ivan plays Mike Tv, the boy obsessed with electronics. We talked for a bit about random stuff. 

A while passes by and it's about 8pm. We pull out our scripts and do our scenes. Emilice is only in the beginning and end of the show. I don't have many lines but I'm in most scenes and so is Ivan. I was so exited to show Emilice and Ivan my song we came up to the scene with my song in it.

"I'm bored. We should play among us!" Ivan shouted 

"Can I sing my song first?" 

"Later, later" Emilice jumped off her bed grabbed her phone.

"Wanna play Arson?" 

I wanted to play but I really wanted to sing my song but they brushed me off. I shook my head no and laid facing the wall. I put my earbuds in and put on Worthless by Eli.

 (A/n Song above. Tw song talks about sh)

I curl up into a ball wanting to cry but can't in front of Emilice and her brother. They are still playing Among us until Ivan has to head to bed. 

Now it's just me and Emilice, sitting in silence. It wasn't awkward silence though. I start thinking of all the things Emilice said a few nights ago. And all of a sudden I start having bad thoughts. Thoughts of killing myself. I'd never be able to hurt myself but overdosing was my go to. I know that sounds bad but life can get hard sometimes. I look over at Emilice who is in her phone watching tiktoks and I grab my backpack and put my hand in the front pocket grabbing 4 pills of methylphenidate aka ADHD meds. They were only 5mg though so I'd have to take the whole bottle to die. I didn't know how to tell Emilice how I was feeling. Still listening to my music I started writing a suicide note. Something I've never done before. I started with 

Dear Emily, 

Yes this time this is a suicide note... I've been feeling horrible forever and I just wanted to let you know that I love you but I just couldn't move on. You were fine before meeting me, you may have not been in the best place but you have many people that care about you probably more than I do. When I got you mad you said "Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop being an asshole or else I will pretend she doesn't exist anymore 😊" and that really hurt me. So I'll save you the pretending. And being compared to "psycho" it made me feel horrible. Now I know how she feels being left out, sure she was mean but she doesn't deserve that. And I honestly feel bad for her. Your friendship with Em ended cuz you ended it. I will be watching over you making sure that you are okay. I just felt left out and I couldn't get through that. Just know you have been such a good friend I've been a shitty friend but thank you for being there when you could. I guess my wish did come true. I know I messed up our friendship because I couldn't keep my mouth shut but sometimes I'm hurting and I'm scared to tell you because you might get mad. Its so hard to tell you things or what I'm feeling because I'm scared how you are gonna react so I kept so much to myself.