Toni really fucking agonizes over it, like, a lot; wants to talk to Shelby but literally can't get a word in between Andrew sticking to her at school and her father keeping her at home outside of school hours, maybe with the exception of religious activities and pageants, and it's not like Toni could get anywhere near those either and get away with it, so there's actually just nothing she can do, and the deadline to figure out where she's going to school is approaching very, very quickly. Everyone else already has it locked in; Martha's staying local and Rachel got scouted to Texas A&M too, but for diving; Dot and Nora and everyone else in their social circle also knows where they're going and what they want to major in.
Toni's the only one dragging her feet. One day, she's sure she'll follow Shelby and Rachel; it's not where she wants to be at all but the who of it all certainly matters. And then the next day she's picturing Shelby crying in her car, telling her to go to California and be happy, and Toni knows at least she'll have a friend there in Fatin as well.
If it weren't for Shelby, the decision's a no-brainer, but Toni's not sure she can be happy if she doesn't pursue this thing, if she doesn't try as much as she possibly can, and she knows that if she goes to Texas A&M, it'll all continue. It may not go the way she wants it to, but at least she'd still be trying, and maybe things could be different, with Shelby out from under her parents' roof.
Toni thinks of Shelby living in a dorm on the same campus as her, able to do whatever she wants, just like at the fair, and she knows that Shelby's behavior now is partially self-sustained, that just because her dad isn't around doesn't mean Shelby won't still believe that she should marry Andrew because she'll be lonely and family-less if she chooses Toni, but at least she'd be physically free to make that choice, to talk to Toni about making it. They'd hang out, maybe get a little tipsy together, slip up, fall into bed, and Toni would show her how perfect it could be, and there would be a chance. She decides she'll go to Texas A&M.
But for every time she thinks about that scenario, she also thinks about herself showing up to Shelby's dorm room, Shelby tearfully telling her that she loves her but she just can't, and then Toni having to see her around campus constantly afterward. It would be utter torture; maybe Andrew would visit and Toni would see them kissing, too, and it'd just be high school all over again, and she'd wish she'd fucked off to California where girls would be, like, fighting to get onto her tongue (Fatin's words). Plus, the thought of spending her days on a beautiful, sunny, liberal campus and her evenings and weekends surfing and running on the beach makes her chest feel so light. So, she decides she'll go to UCLA.
She gets desperate and shows up at Shelby's house at one in the morning on a Friday night like a crazy person, fights through way too many bushes, scales a trellis like she's in a fucking Shakespeare play and slips onto the balcony outside of Shelby's bedroom. She taps on the glass door as quietly as she can, and eventually Shelby stirs in her bed and rolls over. Her sleepy eyes take in Toni and then go impossibly wide and Shelby jolts fully awake. Toni holds her finger up to her lips, warning Shelby to be silent as though she actually needs it, and Shelby just stares at her for a moment like Toni's definitely as crazy as she feels right now. She's really fucking doing this.
Shelby goes to the glass door and cracks it open, hisses, "Toni, what the f—What on earth are you doing? Do you have any idea what'll happen if my parents—?"
"I know," Toni whispers, and her cheeks are hot; she's very embarrassed that she's doing this, but she's just out of options. "Please, I just need to talk to you."
"I can't," Shelby starts to say, but Toni reaches out and grabs her wrist, holds her in place and makes Shelby look her in the eyes.
"Please, Shelby. It's the last time."
