Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

4 - 1

Junkyu

When I fall off the bed I hit the floor. Hard. Hard enough that I know it's supposed to be painful, if only I could feel it. When Mashiho walks out the door, however, the floor is taken right out from under me. It disappears. There's nothing holding me up as I fall and fall into nothing, into some alternate dimension where nothing makes sense; because floors don't disappear. And Takata Mashiho doesn't almost kiss me.

So why did he?

"Junkyu?"

Shit, Junghwan.

His voice forces me up out of the abyss and back onto the floor, which has reappeared just enough for me to stand, but not enough for me to feel safe that it won't slip out again. I scramble onto my feet, my legs jelly beneath me but miraculously not giving way. I have to be Hyung Junkyu again now. Junkyu Who Almost Kissed Mashiho can come back later.

This might just be one of the hardest switches I've ever had to do. But some way, somehow, I manage to look Junghwan in the eyes, attempt to relax my expression and form words to talk to him.

"Sorry, Junghwanie, what did you... um... what did you want to ask me?"

Junghwan stares at me with eyes wide as saucers, gaping at the bed where Mashiho and I just were. And now I'm here, but... where is he? Where did he run off to?

"I don't remember," Junghwan croaks out, then swallows and makes eye contact with me, looking extremely bewildered. "I'm sorry, I just... I didn't know... I didn't know you and Mashiho... did... that..."

"Oh no, no we don't! We really... don't," I splutter. I'm trying to stay calm but my head is racing so fast that I can barely even tell what my thoughts are, and my heartbeats are all just turning into one steady drum. "I don't know... what..."

Junghwan now appears even more taken aback, and I feel so guilty and embarrassed and sort of wish the floor would disappear for real, so that I could disappear along with it.

"Oh," he says. "Oh. I'm sorry I walked in, I should have knocked first. I can... is there anything you want me to do? I can... help? I'll... um... do you want me to go get Mashiho? Did I mess things up? I'm so sorry."

Hyung Junkyu. Hyung Junkyu.

I shake my head, sitting down on the bed and holding out an arm so that Junghwan will sit down next to me. When he does, I pull him into me and rub my hand up and down his arm, giving his hair a little ruffle for good measure.

"I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong... I don't know what I'm doing. Don't spend time worrying about us, okay?" I check the time on my phone, and realise how badly my hands are shaking. "It's late, you should get some sleep!"

Junghwan nods. "Yeah, okay. I'll um... see you tomorrow then."

He leaves, and I'm left alone with my head spinning and my heart spinning and the room spinning and everything is spinning. What on earth just happened? One second, I'm reading the first kiss scene in the fanfiction and desperately wishing that it was real. The next second, I've turned to look at Mashiho and seen a flicker in his eyes, a flicker that made the air around us change, heat up, squeeze in. And then he was leaning in... I felt his lips on mine so briefly it was like one beat of a butterfly's wings, and then it was over. You can't call that a kiss. But he wanted it to be a kiss. He intended for it to be a kiss. Mashiho... wanted to kiss me. Has he liked me this whole time? No way. Am I really that stupid to not have seen it? No, I'm sure he hasn't. Maybe he just got caught up in the story. Maybe he just wanted to experiment. Maybe... maybe...

"Anyone can tell that he feels something towards you that he definitely doesn't feel towards anyone else."

Hyunsuk's words, that I had completely forgotten after he said them, rise back up in my mind and bounce around my head, echoing like a ghost.

I need to find Mashiho. Now.

My legs propel me out of my room, into the corridors, to the living room, the kitchen... but he's nowhere. Nausea blossoms in my stomach, spreading throughout my whole body. When he ran out of the room he didn't... he didn't actually run away, did he? Has he left the building? I stumble back into my room and look out the window, but the streets are empty for as far as I can see. He couldn't have gone that far that fast. I find myself outside the door of Asahi and Jaehyuk's room, and raise my hand to knock, but then I hear Asahi's voice.

"Mashiho, look at me. Look at me. You're safe, you're okay. You don't need to panic. You're alright."

The sickness that had started to ease when I realised he wasn't outside comes back in full force. What's happening? Is he having a panic attack? Or maybe a derealisation? What's wrong with him? Why doesn't he feel safe?

On instinct, I put my hand on the doorknob, but then I don't turn it. Whatever's wrong with Mashiho, I'm the cause of it. He's obviously not okay, and that's because of what almost happened. I shouldn't go in there. He probably doesn't want to see me. All I'll do is make things worse.

And if my heart wasn't already messed up enough from before, now it's in absolute agony knowing that he's in distress and it's all my fault. But... he was the one who leant in.

I'm now sitting back in my room, on the chair in front of my desk, but I don't remember walking back here. The light's turned off, too, which I also have no recollection of doing. I let the darkness wrap around me as I put my head in my hands and squeeze my eyes tightly shut, willing my head and heart and stomach to stop racing each other to see who can shut me down first.

I feel purely dreadful that Mashiho's struggling in some way I don't understand. I feel terrible that poor Junghwan walked in on something so complicated. I feel angry that we had to jump away from each other the moment our lips started to touch. I feel immensely confused about the way Mashiho feels towards me.

But underneath all the bad things... there's a tiny dot of something better. Hope.

He might be shocked now, but what if he just can't believe what happened, like me? What if he feels the way about me that I've felt about him this whole time? What if he wants to finish that kiss as badly as I do?

Junkyu In Love doesn't seem to cut it anymore. Neither does Junkyu Who Almost Kissed Mashiho. I have no idea what incredibly messy version of myself I am right now.