Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

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Junkyu 

I'm so nervous I might throw up. But hey, if they used the footage, at least that would get this stage some more views.

I can barely handle the choreography in the practice room... how am I going to be able to do it here, now, on Inkigayo? Whenever I'm on stage, I get out of breath within seconds. Probably because my heart rate is so much higher and I'm all nervous while performing instead of practising. I don't appreciate it at all.

"Junkyu, you just need to remember to breathe, okay?" Hyunsuk appears behind me, rubbing my shoulders.

"I'm always breathing," I say thickly, and Hyunsuk chuckles, moving away from me.

I click my fingers and shake my head and try to snap myself out of the nerves, but of course it doesn't work. So I decide to release my nervous energy by bouncing around to talk to the others before we get called for the prerecording. I make my way over to the corner where I see Asahi standing alone, looking stressed.

"Asahi, smile!" I say cheerfully, lifting up the corners of his mouth with my fingers, which makes him look so messed up that I burst out laughing.

Asahi fights a genuine smile and shoves me away pretty forcefully, and Jaehyuk rushes to his aid.

"Why are we fighting?" he asks, lifting his fists up towards me playfully, although in all honestly if Asahi asked him to beat me up he probably would.

"Junkyu's just being stupid," Asahi says, rolling his eyes. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

I nod, and Jaehyuk laughs.

"Are you nervous?" I ask Jaehyuk, because the laugh sounded kind of possessed.

He inhales through gritted teeth. "Yeah. I always am. I'm glad I'm at the back for most of the choreo, though. So I can make little mistakes, at least. You're, like, at the front, though."

I groan. "Don't remind me. How many times do I have to screw up before they give up on re-filming and just put me making a fool of myself in the program?"

"Probably once," Jaehyuk says solemnly, then breaks into a smile again and gives me a hug. "I'm just kidding. You're going to do great, I bet!"

When Jaehyuk hugs me, he throws himself on so that he spins me around a full one-eighty. Now, instead of facing the wall where Asahi is, I'm looking at the rest of the greenroom. Over Jaehyuk's shoulder I spot Mashiho, Doyoung and Hyunsuk in the corner, all laughing at something Yedam is doing. My anxiety ebbs slightly at the sight of Mashiho at ease.

"Treasure, your prerecording is now. Please come up to the stage." An Inkigayo staff member pokes his head into the greenroom, beckoning us to follow him.

We wish each other good luck, patting each other on the back, passing around nervous smiles and adjusting our outfits and in-ears as we make our way to the stage. They tell us they're ready to start filming straight away, so I get into my starting position with my heart in my throat. On the bright side, there's no audience at this pre-recording, so at least I won't throw up on any fans.

The first filming is an absolute nightmare. I actually forget the choreo right in the middle, Jaehyuk falls over, Jihoon's voice cracks and Haruto awkwardly stumbles over part of his rap.

"Sorry, Treasure, we're running short on time so we'll only be able to film twice more and then we'll have to make do," the director announces into a microphone, and tells us we have two minutes before we need to go again.

As our crew rushes onstage to fix up our hair and makeup, I pick myself up from where I'd collapsed on the floor. I make eye contact with Hyunsuk, and he looks on the verge of tears... which makes me feel on the verge of tears.

"What's happening, guys?" he asks to everyone, and no one responds. "We can't be shaken like this. This performance is a chance to make things better. You all did great in practice yesterday, and I know you can all do great today. Focus."

As it turns out, I most certainly cannot do great today. I perform terribly in the next two filmings, and then we're being ushered offstage and it's over and I feel sick thinking about any one of those performances or any mixture of them being aired later today. I take off my mic on my own and shove it down on a table before hurrying out of the greenroom in what I think is the direction of the bathroom, avoiding everyone because I can't bring myself to face them after screwing up our performance like that, when someone gets hold of my arm.

"Junkyu. Hey, Junkyu, stop."

I turn around, and Mashiho is staring up at me with those wide eyes of his, and that glowing sheen of sweat on his face, breathing deeply but not gasping like I am.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

At this, tears burn behind my eyes and my throat closes up. I will myself not to cry, and the sensation, thankfully, leaves quickly. But then it's replaced by something else. In this moment, all I want to do is take his face in both my hands and kiss him and hold him and I don't care how hot and sweaty we are because right now, when everything is so crap, I just want to know that I at least have him.

But you do have him, Junkyu. Just not in your ideal fantasy way. So keep him.

Swallow. Breathe. Smile. The urge passes.

"I'm fine, Mashi," says Lying Junkyu.