Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

5 - 2

Mashiho

"I mean, I guess demi is kind of close," I say from where I sit at the desk in our room, looking at sexuality descriptors on my laptop. "Only feeling attraction if you have an emotional bond to the person... but, like, I don't know. I haven't felt attraction to anyone else I've had an emotional bond with."

Junkyu gets up from where he was on the bed and kneels down next to me, resting his hand on my chair and looking at the screen with me. "What did graysexual and grayromantic mean again?"

I bring up the tab with the gray search. "Limited attraction. Does that mean you rarely feel attraction or that when you do it's not much? Oh, it says also low intensity."

Junkyu smirks up at me. "Do you have low intensity attraction towards me?"

I cup his chin in my hand and squish his cheeks. "As if anything to do with you is low intensity."

It's been two days since I kissed him in the practice room, and they might have just been the most magical two days ever. Being like this with Junkyu definitely beats debuting. Every moment I spend with him now is alive, electric, sparkling, colourful, warm, fuzzy and everything good. It's funny how easy it was for us to slip into it— we went from nothing to all over each other instantly. I was much more ready for this than I thought. It's like this was always how it was meant to be, and before we were doing everything wrong. Although I'm still having my sexuality crisis, it doesn't bother me as much anymore. And I know I haven't made a mistake with committing to Junkyu, I'm as sure as sure can be that I love him and that I want to be with him, and every precious moment we spend together just cements this more.

I turn back to my screen, and look at the other tabs I have open with a sigh. "And it's not just that. People combine stuff, too, like biromantic demisexual, or grayromantic homosexual..." I trail off, feeling myself start to get overwhelmed again.

Junkyu chews his nail thoughtfully, and I gently pull his hand out of his mouth before he bites it off. He scrunches up his nose at me cutely and I to resist the urge to kiss him because we kiss way too much.

"There's always queer, too," he points out. "And questioning. If the other labels are too confusing right now."

But the thing is, thinking of myself as 'queer' or 'questioning' makes me feel just as icky as everything else. Whenever I try to apply a label to myself, regardless of how well it seems to suit, it just feels wrong.

"Or maybe you don't have to label it," he says, seeing the look on my face at his suggestions. He stands up and comes behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and kissing me on the neck. I lean into him happily. "Or maybe you're just Junkyusexual."

I laugh, shoving him off and swivelling my chair around to face him. "You are so arrogant."

He smiles cockily, moving back to sit on the bed again. "Well, I am the only person you've ever liked romantically. I guess I'm just not like others. I'm built different."

"Speaking of which, who else have you liked romantically?"

The cocky smile slips from his face, his mouth falling agape a little at the unexpected question. Then he pouts his lips and his eyes widen as he looks into space, thinking.

"First of all, I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you, which I'm sure you know," he says. I didn't know that, but that's a nice thing to know. "I had a lot of crushes in school."

"All guys?"

"Yeah. My own sexuality crisis came when I was really close friends with this one girl in middle school, and I was wondering if maybe I could like her, but then she got a boyfriend and I realised I was much more jealous of her than I was of her boyfriend," he says with a chuckle. "I liked him for a bit. And about a million other guys in middle school. One in high school. And there was a trainee that used to be at YG who I thought was pretty cute. Of course, this was before you came along and blew him straight out of the water."

That makes me blush, and I stare at my feet in the hopes he doesn't notice.

"So yeah," he continues. "Since the initial crisis, I've always felt comfortable with calling myself gay. But, Mashi, really, if you don't feel comfortable with labels, just don't use them. You're so much more than some random complicated word."

I lift my gaze to look at him again, and blush even more when I see him smiling at me lovingly. I guess he's right. What would I even use the label for? It's not exactly something I'd go around broadcasting to the general public. And I don't need a label when I have Junkyu.

Huh. Maybe I am Junkyusexual.

Then Junkyu gets a funny look on his face, and I scoot my chair closer towards him. "What is it?"

He smiles down at the ground and shakes his head, and he looks so gorgeous in this moment I wish I could snap a photo to capture his dimples poking in, his hair, which is getting a bit too long, falling in front of his face, his body looking model-perfect in his loose white shirt and light blue jeans, everything. "Nothing, this is just reminding me of something Hyunsuk was telling me the other day. About not having to label myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, remember when I called myself Chef Junkyu when I was making the cake, and said I always said things like that in my head? You..." A blush creeps up onto his cheeks as his twinkling eyes meet mine. "You said it was cute."

I really can't believe I didn't notice the way I felt about him earlier. I want to go back to my past self who was calling Junkyu cute and shake him. "Yeah, it is cute."

He smiles wider. "Anyway, Hyunsuk noticed I was doing it a lot in like, a bad way, and told me I shouldn't let everything happening around me define me like that. That instead of Useless Junkyu or Hyung Junkyu or Idol Junkyu or Mashiho's Junkyu I should just be... Junkyu. And now I think I kind of get what he means a little more now. Even if you put a sexuality label on yourself, I wouldn't see you as graysexual Mashiho or whatever. You'd still just be Mashiho."

I move onto the bed next to him and hold his hand. "And I'll always just see you as the Junkyu I know and love, no matter what version of yourself you think you're showing, you're just the same wonderful person to me."

Junkyu giggles and throws his head back. "We're so mushy. It's like we're in a fanfiction."

Then he snaps his head back up and we exchange a look before I grab my phone from the desk, but then think twice about it and grab my laptop.

"What's wrong with your phone?" Junkyu asks.

"Cracked screen," I answer, quickly loading up Wattpad before he has a chance to ask why and I'll have to admit I threw it against the wall.

To both mine and Junkyu's delight there are three new chapters waiting for us. I don't hesitate before clicking into one, clearing my throat, and starting to read. In this chapter, Fanfiction Mashiho and Fanfiction Junkyu have just gotten together and are trying to hide their relationship from all of their friends, so all the other Fanfiction Members. We both laugh at how opposite that is from the truth, and how we literally had our first real kiss with everyone watching.

"And as inappropriate as that is," Junkyu says as we discuss this. "I still liked our first kiss in real life much better than our first kiss in this story."

Junkyu reads the next chapter, and does all his silly voices, and I place my head on his shoulder and realise for the billionth time in the last two days how badly I missed him for the brief period of time we weren't speaking, although it felt like an eternity. I don't need space at all. All I need is him.

And now I have him and everything is perfect.