Caramel Popcorn

Chapter 12: We can't be friends anymore

Ignoring people was harder than it looked. I had been trying desperately to stay away from the girls because I didn't have anything close to a good reason to not take them home with me and I wanted to live in the feeling that I still had friends, just a little bit longer.

"Jamie, we've been looking all over for you!" Grace exclaimed, spotting me as I entered my room again.

"Yeah--sorry I was just spending some time with Flynn."

"Right, are you ready to leave?" Chris asked.

"About that... I can't go."

"Why not?" Chris asked.

"I don't want to go, that's why."

"But your mom's--"

"Yeah, I know, Chris! And I also know that I'm better off here, so I'm not going!" I snapped. The looks on their faces, tore me up. Chris scowled, Grace looked heartbroken and Jane wouldn't even look at me, oddly guilty.

"I'm sorry--" I tried to salvage the situation but it was pointless.

"No, we shouldn't have interfered, sorry," Jane said.

"No, you guys made me feel a lot better and I'm really grateful--"

"Save it." Chris shook her head and left the room.

"It's alright, Jamie, we just want you to be happy," Grace said, nodding.

It took a few minutes for them to leave and after that I showered in record time to make it to class on time.

It didn't make a difference either way because I couldn't pay attention to anything. As if the distraction of Ace wasn't enough I now had to make amends with my almost friends because I screamed at them for no reason.

I just wanted to not be alone. And I knew it wasn't going to work out but I wanted to be wrong!

I had to give Flynn his space, besides I couldn't pretend to be Jamie for another moment. It was too much. The facade was hard enough to maintain when I didn't have to think about class or friends or Ace.

But I wanted to think about Ace today. It hurt but it was also the brightest feeling I had. The only one that seemed to leave me feeling fuller, more hopeful. Unless I failed, in which case he would die for my incompetence. I didn't think he knew yet, but I didn't see the point in telling him. What good would it do? He wouldn't leave. He wouldn't fuck off and try to save himself.

As much as I wanted to hate him for it, I couldn't. He knew it helped. Knowing that I had him no matter what. That he loved me, deeply. I didn't feel guilty about being loved either. No, it was the one thing I was actually pretty fucking proud of.

There was something so fulfilling about feeling loved. Irrespective of the consequences of what that love would bring about. It didn't matter. Just the love did.

I think Ace knew that. He was an asshole to most people and that only made the love sweeter, not that he'd let me feel any less special if he suddenly wasn't the way he had always been.

What I did feel guilty about was not reminding him enough that he was loved, too. I bet it would make dying for the cause a lot less painful. I wouldn't let it come to that, but just in case it did, at least I'd know that he knew.

The thought of Ace even made economics a lot more tolerable. It didn't hurt my brain to think about demand and supply and utility and crises.

It didn't make me immediately want to throw up, and that was more than I'd had in a long time.