Skies Of Life

stuck

stuck on the sidelines
watching everyone else play their game
constantly taking tips

maybe one day I'll be like them?
Wearing confidence like a cloak, being present in conversations instead of stuck up inside my own head.

I don't want to be stuck.
I try gear myself into movement by shooting thought upon thought at my brain.
Maybe this time it will work.
Just be a bit more interesting, a bit more cool, a bit less you.

but it only seeks to exhaust me.
wearing me down until I stop the treadmill and realise I'm still in the same place.

Will I ever progress?
Will I ever be enough for the people I want to please?
I just want to be admired, I want to be liked, I want to be enough.

I want to be able to focus on loving others, rather than being so caught up in myself. I want to be my own person, rather than this shadow of self, questioning every action.
I want to be strong.
Why is it that people feel they can walk over me? Talk over me? Am I not human too? The same intrinsic worth? Can I not take up the same space and stand on my own two feet? How do I come back from this reputation and begin to take up the space that is meant for me?

Sometimes I get glimpses. When my true self comes out, unafraid and pure, like a sun ray unexpectedly peeking through a cloud on an normal day. When will the sun burst through?
Right now I feel stuck.