E-Diary Freshman Year

Week 20

Monday:

First, yeah day off. Teacher work day. That's why we got Friday off. I don't care if I said that.

Second, last night. I almost cut again. I haven't tumbled any glass yet so I haven't tumbled the piece I used to cut. But basically, my dog ate some clay. It's not just that though. It's the 2 D's I got and everything. Everything. It all adds up to why I cut. But, my dog ate some clay and a clay octopus that I made. And a little whiles after my mom found me on the bathroom floor with almost all my scabs picked at. Only one was still skin. But 8 spots on me were bleeding. And I didn't mean to actually say it but "if _____ can hurt himself, then I can hurt myself." The blank is my dogs name.

Okay, now I'm crying. I tried to get my dog to come inside because he's barking but it's cold and I'm not wearing shoes of a sweatshirt and I can't do this anymore. I really want to die but I can't kill myself because the only definite way is a gun and I don't have one and if I did it would be too loud and obvious but jumping off a building might leave me alive and same with cutting my veins.

But, um, right now it's Monday night and I'm baking some sculpey because I made a palisade mesophyll cell for science (due tomorrow and it's 7:00 right now. Is it getting done?) and an octopus on a coke bottle. But my mom is in her room and my dad and brother are at a horrible burger place that always burns my food.

Here's what my brother always says about that "No they don't," but he isn't eating MY food. I was going to go with them but then I found out my mom wasn't going and my dad laughed at me trying to explain something and I was gonna be ignored or laughed at anyway so why should I go? They don't care about me. I would rather starve myself and listen to Simple Plan.

So I bought a leather bracelet and some stuff to make octopus bottle necklaces and I'm gonna get like 50 or 52 bottles and some small eye screws so I figured that one of the bottles and screws might "disappear" and if I every cut again or when I pick at scabs I could try to keep the blood in the bottle and maybe make it into a necklace. Yeah, a bit morbid, but it'll be me expressing myself.

Anyway I baked my sculpey stuff so now I need it to cool off and then I can glaze the octopus and label all the stuff on the cell. By the way, my dinner tonight is gonna be some baby goldfish and maybe a price or two of cold bacon.

Dinner:

2 Oreos

4 grapes

1 piece of steak on a stick

1 bowl of rice

Because my mom came downstairs while I was and told me I had to eat. Ugh.

Day 89:

6:49 - Okay okay so funny story. But traumatizing, but funny. So it's 6:49 now and at 6:27 a bus shows up. The lady (not our normal bus driver) just sits there for a minute. Doesn't open the doors. Doesn't do anything. Then she pulls up a little further and the five of us standing there are just going "no. No she can't be...why would she...she's leaving!" And stood there for another 4 minutes before our bus came and got us. It was so weird!!!!

A normal time - Yeah okay so I should have said it sooner than 4:04 pm but last night I started writing my life story. Not a biography. Not a diary. Not like this. It will be more of a YA novel. It will be detailing the true story of an aromantic teenage girl from the second semester of ninth grade on until death. If I kill myself, I'll make sure it's a death that will give me time to say goodbye. In the book. If I don't, the end will just be the end. Maybe mid-chapter. Maybe mid word. Maybe it will be the start of a new part when I die. I won't know. And there's a chance you won't know either.

But, I do want to get it published. I'm leaving that up to whoever goes through my things. My journals and laptop and phone files. They'll find things they neverr would have guessed about. I know that people finding out I'm depressed and suicidal will probably sock them but I don't want them to know just yet. It would hurt my relationship with my friends and family. I don't want that yet.