My Dreamer Heart

Losing You 2

Gulf POV

My eyes is catching the thing in the top of the table it was folded paper and a two page of a litter, my heart is now is beating so fast. That almost not allowed me to breathe. I read the litter.

To my love,

When the time you found this I think I'm not here in this country. I already far from you. Because it is the only way I know that makes you happy. Letting you go is so hard for me. But I need this to find myself.

I love you without any reason. But you keep pushing me away from you. God knows I try to save us but you change a lot to the point that I never know you.

I want to be with you. But you keep making a long distance between you and me. Even we leave in the same roof and we share in the same bed. I'm still feel you so far away from me.

Every night the coldness of our relationship is continued. That it affects even of my soul.

Sorry for holding you in this relationship. Even I know that your not happy anymore. Sorry that it takes to long before I learn to let go of you. Sorry for loving you so much that I end up to holding you tight and make you feel suffocating.

Thank you for the good memories. Good times, laughter, and love. Thank you for teaching me on how to stand my self. And thank you for the seven years.

If we are meant to be. God always gives us a way to get back to each others arms. But if we are not, remember this I'm always happy for you, I know after this relationship of us I'm not be able to love again.

Sorry if I'm not holding you the right way and now I lost you... But I use this time to heal my self and be ready for the tomorrow. I always wish you to be happy and you get all your dreams without me. I know I'm not your dream. But you... You are my greatest dream that I never been able to get.

Take care and always remember that I love you. And good bye.

Love you forever.

Mew.

'My world is now is sinking point. My tears is never end. How stupid I am to let you feel this way. I don't know that I push you so hard for you to let me go. You don't know how much I love you. But i know that I never let you see it. Please come back to me... I can't go on my life if with you... Sorry that I hurt you. Please come back to me....' My agony.

After my agony... I run and get my key I need to find him right away. I need him in my side. I call his phone but it is always end to a voice mailbox. I call him again and again and again. I try to call him in a hundred times but no answer. I call his mom I know he call her or she knows where is my mew.

"hello gulf. How are you? " the voice on the other line ask.

"mom you know where is mew. I'm sorry mom I hurt him. Mom please tell me where he is?" I ask her not bothering her question ?

"sorry gulf.. He is not contacting me in about three days."

"what mom do you know some places or some one that he leave with?"

"sorry gulf I never know. Okay I we'll help you to find him. And I informed you if he call." She offer me a help.

"thanks mom." and I end the call.

I try to find him in his friends that I know. But still there is no him. I start to look for him in the morning but still no him. It's ten o'clock in the evening I'm still on the road... After a while I decided to go home.

But I entered the house it was so lonely here, I imagine him in the kitchen trying to make our dinner. I opened the refrigerator and I see a food that he made. I warm it this night so I can taste the food that he made. That I don't know when is the next I can eat this. I almost lost my strength and I'm setting on the floor of the kitchen holding and hugging his favorite apron.

"Hon please come back home... I never be me if you are not here. I need you here. I promise to give you my whole life time and put you as my first priority. Just come back home. I well never been bad to you or being unfair with you." I cry.

Whatever promises I do he is not here. He is now gone after the long time of his suffering in my side. Why I'm so stupid of just letting him being hurt? Then pushing him hard away from me, but I can't live without him.

I walk in the whole house. I only see is him in every corner. In the stairs where he always running trying to catch me. In the room the I always heard his whimpering and sweet sound. The time that I'm not yet taking him for granted....

I feel that my eyes is now snatching from sleeping. With the pillow that he use the blanket that he is last with.

Week later

It's about a week after mew is gone. I'm on my working place. Shella try to bring me somewhere but I already made a promise to my mew that I will never go out for happing if I'm not with him. My life now is work home. I promise also to him to continue my life and dreams until he come back.. I will make him proud that time I don't need to work every day. So I can had a good time for him always. So he never leave me alone again.....

In the house the pillow is now a bit dirty I never bring it to wash I'm afraid to losing his scent on it. I don't want to forgot his smell. His clothes is still arranged the way it use to be. His favorite car is now is in the garage I only clean the outside but inside is I won't allow to clean. I always use his car if I miss him driving this car with me.

Mew POV

Month later

I'm about a month here in Nederland. My mom is helping me to going back to school for my medical course. While studying I work here in one of the biggest magazine company as manager.. I leave in the small house here. It was so hard to adjust because it my first time far away from home, and additional of that is feeling incomplete.

I bring with me the clothes that gulf buy for me, the shoes, the neck ties that I always use. I don't want to forget anything about him. For me he is the only one. Whatever life brings me here I always survive. I want to learn to stand by my self and be strong for him to be proud.

The phone that I use for the family home is still the old one that he buy for me. But for work I need to change.

This morning I decided to call my mom.

"mom.. Hello how are you?" I ask.

"hi son... I'm fine. What about you?"

"here still adjusting the new life. How was he is ? Is he OK.? "

"son.... He is not in good shape but do not worry I look after him." She assure me.

"thank you mom. But please don't tell him where I was if he ask. I want to find my self, and make it bitter, I want to show him that I'm not just nothing but I want be his every thing if he wants me back."

"son.... Don't stay in down point in life. Stand and learn out of your past, develop your own life in a bitter one. Love your self. Before loving others." She reminding me.

"thank you mom.. I will... I need to go mom.. And might be take me along time not to call you back busy here."

"it's OK... Bye and always take care of yourself."

"yes mom bye."

My mom doesn't know anything about where I am after we talked he transferred me a big amount of money from her savings that my dad do not know about. I send it to money exchange. Because I don't want any one know where I am. It was the reason why I'm not letting go my old phone,  to keep the communications with mom.