Ocean full of Secrets

Part II_2

Chapter 2

Neil is sitting at the breakfast table still scanning over last week's newspaper, but not taking in much. Just as he is looking at an article about yet another case of domestic violence turned fatal, the telephone rings. After the fifth ring he finally gets up to look at the caller ID:
It's Alexandra, Joanna's sister. Again. He hasn't talked to her ever since the incident and he doesn't plan to do so now. Silently he stands next to the phone, waiting for it to go to voicemail. A small part of him is curious to know what she could possibly have to say to him. If their places were reversed, he wouldn't even dare to contact her. But the more domineering part of him is afraid of what he might say to her if he really did pick up the phone.
Ever since Joanna's death the two of them haven't had much contact at all and that is about the only positive change that came from the greatest loss he has ever had to experience. Every other aspect of his life has only gravely deteriorated since then. As for Alexandra, he has never really warmed up to her. He accepted her. After all she was his wife's sister, his children's aunt. But he never managed to look past the fact that she left her sister, her family, at the very time they would have needed her the most. And what for? To move to Ireland and marry the most self-centred, short-tempered and dominant man he has ever met. Only to return again once the worst was over. Once her own mother was dead an. Joanna never talked much about the time before they met, but from all he heard Alexandra was far from being the perfect daughter, or sister.
Thinking about that, however, reminds him of his own parents and of how he hasn't talked to them in years either. Slowly the old guilt comes back nagging at his insides, a feeling he knows all too well already. But then he remembers the vital difference between her parents and his. Hers, as far as he knows, never disowned their own child just because it didn't meet their idea of "normal". They never banned their own flesh and blood from their home because just because they didn't support the choices it made or because they were scared of what the neighbours might think. Unlike his.
Finally the familiar hate, disgust and shame at his parents' inhuman behaviour returns, replacing the temporary guilt he has felt and he remembers again why he made the choices that got him to where he is now. And he doesn't regret a single one. Because every choice he ever made, everything he ever did led to him meeting Joanna and she still is the best thing that ever happened to him.
He still remembers the day he met her as f it was yesterday. Usually he never agreed to go on blind dazes, but robin had assured him that the girl she met during a particularly boring course about Commercial Law was simply perfect for him. She had even shown him a photo, so, actually, it wasn't that blind after all, right? When he met her though, she was even more beautiful than on the photograph. He remembers clearly the way she used to tuck her long brown curls behind her ear while trying to hide her blushing face, every time he made her a compliment. And how she got those incredibly cute dimples every time she laughed about one of his jokes, even the really bad ones. But most of all he remembers her eyes, a magical mix of grey and turquoise, like the clear ocean shortly before a storm, and the way her look made him feel as if he was at the centre of her universe and he could tell her every single secret of his and they would be safe with her because she understood. Later he found out that her eyes seemed to change their colour depending on her mood, like the tides of the sea. But then again, that might have just been his imagination.
Even years later those eyes made him feel transparent, like she could see straight into his heart, read his most secret thoughts, know his deepest fears. This quality she passed on to both her children and every time he looks at them, he can see their mother looking straight back at him. As if she had come back to tell him to take good care of her kids and to not fail them like he has her.
Robin was right. Though Joanna was sure far from perfect, she was perfect for him. And after their first date they went out again the next day and from then on they spent almost every evening together, provided Joanna found a babysitter. And even when she didn't, he never hesitated to visit them at home and watch after them together.
He fell in love with her again every single day. Not only with her looks and her adorable habits, but with her intelligence and her thoughtful acts of kindness as well as with her short temper and her random outbursts of childish stubbornness. Even if he didn't always manage to show it during those situations, they were a part of her and therefore he wouldn't have exchanged them for anything. And every time he discovered something new about her, he fell in love all over again. And there was so much to discover. She was like an infinite jigsaw puzzle and for each new piece he had to work hard to find it. She was an intriguing mystery he never got the chance to solve. But maybe she would have preferred it this way. To stay a mystery. Maybe she didn't want to be solved.
One of his last and best memories with her is the cycling trip through the Scottish Highlands they took in June two years ago. For their 5th anniversary. It was just the two of them and they had never gone that long without fighting. Neil remembers thinking that if this is how their future was going to look like, once Oliver and Cassie had moved out, he won't mind growing old at all. They had never been happier. Life, he thought, could only get better from now on. Oh, how terribly wrong he had been.

Forcefully he is being pulled from his thoughts by the anew-ringing telephone. He has completely forgotten that he is still standing next to it. Slightly confused he looks at the caller ID again and, seeing that it's Robin, he picks it up.
"Hey Robin, it's so great to hear from you again! How are you doing?"
"I'm great, actually. But how are you? And how is Cassie holding up? Did you already offer to tell her?"
"Oh, you know. She acts as if she's fine, but you know how she is. She won't admit otherwise until it's ... too late. Yeah I did. I asked her already yesterday evening. She seemed quite taken aback. I suppose it's not what she expected to hear and she didn't answer right away. But this morning when she came down to breakfast... well, she said 'no'. She said she'd rather not know, but she seemed almost as surprised by her own words as I was."
"She said 'no'?"
"Yes. And honestly, I'm kind of relieved. But Robin, after that she asked me to tell her whether SHE had done something bad. Can you believe that? All this time she was blaming herself without even knowing what for."
"Actually I can believe that. It makes sense. She would always blame herself before looking for the fault in other people. She's like Joanna that way. She had the same tendency."
"Yes, I remember that. When I first met her I thought it was an admirable quality, but now... now I just wish she would blame me instead, or anyone else but herself."
"Neil," he can almost physically feel the pity in her voice as she says his name. "Neil, it's not your fault either. Nobody could have foreseen that. Please, don't start blaming yourself now as well. We already have enough people doing that."
"You're right. I'm sorry." He takes a deep breath and with a more steady voice he adds, "I suppose I should be glad she seems to have made peace with it. Maybe now I can do so too. Let's just leave it for now please. On a different note, how's Hannah doing? Has she recovered from the flu you said she had yet?"
"Oh yes, that's long gone. She's good. Actually, she's great. You know, there's another reason I called you. We have something important to tell you guys, but I'd rather tell you in person. If you haven't made any other plans yet, I figured we could have a big family dinner at our place next Sunday. We haven't done something like this in far too long. What do you say?"
"That's a great idea, Robin. I can't wait to see you again and I'm sure Cassie will love the idea as well. "
Neil smiles to himself happily upon hearing her news. He has a fair idea of what the two of them might have to tell. They have been together for 16 years now and Civil Partners for 13 years after all. Plus, he's been watching the news. Not as focussed and attentive as he used to but still. Same-sex marriage has finally been approved by the Scottish Parliament. And only a week or so ago it received Royal Assent. This December they can finally get married. It is about time too. Even though his thoughts have mostly been elsewhere lately he didn't fail to think of her when he heard the news. He stopped in front of the TV and turned up the volume. Finally, after 16 years, his little sister could step in front of the altar like she always wished to. Maybe she would even ask him to walk her there. He could almost think of nothing that would make him happier. God, she deserved this so much. He meant to call her then, too, to congratulate. But he must've forgotten. At least this way they can still have their big revelation next Sunday.
"Neil, are you still there?"
Snapping back out of his temporary trance he is confused at her words for a moment. Then he remembers that she's still on the phone.
"Yeah, of course. Sorry. I'm here."
"I just said that Oliver will be back by then too, I've heard, right? I could've told him that law wasn't the right thing for him right away. We all could have, I suppose. But once he got something into his head there's no going back. Cassie must be exhilarated to see him again. It's been months."
"You have no idea. I can't even imagine how much she must miss him. The two of them have never been apart for this long... except for the 21 months before Cassie was born. And his strict "no-cell phone" attitude doesn't exactly make things easier either."
He shakes his head smiling as he thinks of his stepson's stubbornness. Neil probably won't admit this to Oliver, but he hisses him even more than he has expected. Especially with everything going on here, he could really use Oliver's humour and light-heartedness to release the tension a bit.
"Hey Neil, I'm really sorry but I have to hang up now. I'm driving and I really should be on the phone at all. Also I think the police just passed me. But it was so great talking to you and I cant wait until next Sunday!"
"Me neither. I love you Robin."
"Love you too."
He waits until he hears the familiar click, signalling that Robin really did hang up the phone, to put down the receiver as well.
For a moment he pauses next to the phone, almost as if he is expecting it to ring again. But when nothing happens he walks over to the breakfast table and starts putting away their dishes from this morning. The coffee he spilled when he heard Cassie's answer has run all over the table onto the floor. It has dried by now but the smell of coffee is still filling the kitchen. Neil begins to clean up his mess just as he has promised Cassie he would do right away before she left to meet up with her friends. He thinks of them as he puts the soaked tablemat into the laundry bag and he has to smile. She hasn't done anything together with them in months. Maybe things really are getting better again now.