Ocean full of Secrets

Part I_6

13th of February 2014

Today I had an epiphany. What if all the others are right? What if I'm really going mad? Or what if I already went mad? I've never considered that possibility up until now, but what if I'm not, as I always thought, the victim of whatever happened, but exactly the opposite? I always felt that everyone treated me the way they did because they thought I'm fragile, or I might break at the slightest touch or word, for that matter. Careful and sensitive, that's how I interpreted their behaviour. But what if I was completely wrong all along? What if they're afraid of me? All this time I thought they treated me like the victim, when really I could've been the perpetrator as well. The more I think about it, the more plausible and sensible this scenario seems to me. Especially considering the thoughts I've had lately. Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts that I've so far been refusing to accept as a produce of my own brain. Writing them down, however, would let that comforting illusion burst like a soap bubble. In a way illusions are very much like soap bubbles. Once they come into contact with reality, they burst. And I refuse to let that happen. Illusions, after all, are all that's left for those whose memory has betrayed them. Reality is just so uncertain and volatile.

Furthermore, I've also lost control over my temper. I used to be calm in even in the most agitating of situations. I used to be able to hide my emotions to a level where I believed myself to be happy when really I was close to tears. Ha! Speaking of illusions, right?

But now I constantly feel this incredible anger inside me, towards the world, towards everyone in it and mostly, towards myself. And I can still feel it increasing everyday. Also I get all tense and uncomfortable whenever someone approaches me or wants to touch me. Even if its just a handshake or light touch on the shoulder. And sometimes I find myself dreaming of standing at the edge of a high mountain and screaming it all out before I explode. I want to free myself of all feelings, good as well as bad. I want to scream until I am completely empty, until there is nothing left but my hollow shell. No thoughts, no feelings, no memories. That's what freedom must feel like. Maybe then I can let go.

I told you that Nick was acting more normal again, right? Wrong. Yesterday he skipped school. I know that doesn't sound very strange and of course he's been sick like everyone of us, but when I asked his mother where he was, she said he had to look after his granny, Liz, however, he had told Saki that he was lying in bed with a fever. He never has a fever and there is no way he was too ashamed to tell us about having to care for his grandma. He does it all the time. He visits her practically every day ever since she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. And occasionally we come with him. But to make completely sure he really wasn't there, I stopped by her place on my way home from school and brought her flowers and sat with her for a while, reading her from one of her favourite books, "In 80 Days around the World", and telling her about my day. Luckily, she was obviously oblivious to everything that happened last month, even more so than me.

I didn't ask her if she knew where Nick had been all day, because I didn't want to worry her needlessly and I already knew everything I came to find out. He wasn't there and he hadn't been all day. (Otherwise there wouldn't have been dried flowers on her nightstand and the pie in her fridge would be gone.)

Today he was back in school and he told us that he had lied to his mother because he didn't want her to worry about him being sick. Sadly, I know this to be complete nonsense, since Nora never worries about him being sick. She would simply tell him to take some magic pill, suck it up and go to school anyway. I'm not saying that she isn't a good mother, she certainly is and she supports Nick in every way possible. It's just that she doesn't have a lot of sympathy for sick people. I guess it's because she's a very busy woman and she can never miss a single day in her job, no matter how high her fever is, and nobody ever has sympathy for her when she is sick. That's also one reason Nick is looking after his grandma most of the time and not her or his dad. Although his dad would have enough time to do it, he just doesn't get along too well with his mother. Plus, Nick doesn't mind doing it at all.

I got off topic again, I'm sorry. Back to Nick's lame excuse. However, I didn't bother him about it any further because I didn't want to force him to come up with even more ridiculous stories. And frankly, I don't need to know. We are all allowed to have our secrets. And I'm sure he will tell us when he's ready.

Yours,
Cassie