Ocean full of Secrets

Part I_2

31st of January 2014

So today Nick and Saki came to visit me for the first time since it happened. Although I wouldn't be surprised if they had tried it before and Neil just didn't let them in. He is being super protective of me lately. It feels really weird. Neil is my stepfather, by the way, but he and our mum have been together ever since I can remember and he is the only thing close to a dad I have ever had. Still, I haven't actually called him that once. I don't know why I never started doing it when I was younger, but I guess now it's a point of pride with me. And I hate myself for it, but I just can't get the word out of my mouth. As if my lips were forming a wall that shoots it right back down my throat.

So as you can already see our relationship wasn't exactly normal before. It was, no doubt, pretty weird but ever since it happened he seems to be particularly uncomfortable around me. But despite that, he never wants to leave me alone. He even took time off work for a week, which I have never seen him do before. But on the other hand he doesn't seem to know what to say to me. He's even avoiding eye contact.

And every time I address what happened he opens his mouth as if to answer, stares at the floor or out of the window for a few seconds and then turns away to do the dishes or some other mundane activity.

But if he feels so incredibly uncomfortable in my presence, then why doesn't he just go back to work? I'm sure he's needed there more than at home. And its not as if I was a little child he has to look after anymore. Frankly, he would be doing us both a favour by leaving the house for a while, seeing as he won't let me do so.

Well, that's not entirely true. Until today I was allowed to go to my therapy lesson every day from eleven in the morning to one in the afternoon. And starting next week I will be allowed to go back to school, with therapy only every Wednesday. I can't even put my enthusiasm into words, because there are none. Well, actually there is one: "None". No enthusiasm at all.

However, back to what I initially wanted to tell you about: My friends' visit. As you might have noticed, I tend to go off topic a lot. Sorry for that.

After being alone with Neil for longer than we ever have before, I was really looking forward to seeing my best friends again. I was hoping that with them some normality would return to our home. But I was wrong. The exact opposite happened.

I've never seen Nick act this way. I can't even describe how he acted. That's the thing. He didn't act. From the moment they entered my room to when they left it again he barely said two words.

Saki, being Saki, threw her arms around me the moment she saw me and I honestly thought I might suffocate after about two minutes. Then she started pestering me with questions.

"What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt? How much exactly do you still remember? We were so worried! Is it true you can't remember a thing? All kinds of rumours have spread in school! One more ridiculous than the other, of course. Not that I would believe anything that didn't come from your mouth."

"Saki, stop it!"

That was when Nick finally stepped forward. During Saki's harangue he just stood there in the doorframe, looking like a lost little puppy. Confused, uncomfortable and somehow even ... embarrassed. As if he wasn't sure how to treat me. Which was similar to Neil's behaviour, now that I think about it.

But then again, maybe he was just embarrassed by Saki's tirade of questions. He tends to feel that way that sometimes, every time she starts talking like a waterfall, so fast it becomes unintelligible for people who aren't used to her. Which, in his defence, is quite often.

But at least she was acting as she always does, which was exactly what I needed in that moment. So I just ignored Nick's remark and softly loosened Saki's grip on me.

"I'm fine, really. And yeah, it's true. I can't remember a thing about the entire day. But apart from that I really am okay, I guess."

"That's a relief! I mean, not that you don't remember. Obviously, that's terrible. I mean, that you're okay. But your memory is going to come back eventually, right? And until then we're here for you."

"Thanks guys. I can't tell you how happy I am to see you. You cannot imagine how awkward things with Neil have been lately. I just want to leave the house again. I feel like a crazy lunatic, locked away from society.

Speaking of which, what rumours exactly are spreading in school?"

"Oh, all sorts off stuff! From ridiculous ones saying that you're really a selkie who finally found her skin again and now returned to live in the sea, to more realistic ones claiming you went crazy and now refuse to leave the house because you think you're a chair."

"More realistic?"

"Well, at least that one doesn't involve mythical creatures."

"True. Great, so now I'm a selkie. That's even worse than rabbit-face and she is still being teased about that after three years."

"Oh, come on. At least they'll see that you don't look like a seal when you come back. Although I'm sure they're going to be pretty disappointed about that. You are coming back on Monday, right?"

"Yeah, I am. But you are forgetting that selkies don't look like seals when they're not wearing their skins."

"Oh, right. I guess it's gonna stick with you forever then."

"Thanks. But can we please talk about something other than school? I'm nervous enough already. How was your competition last weekend?"

"So you didn't forget! It was okay. I came second. I mean it wouldn't be too bad if it hadn't been Gillian who beat me again. And it was so close too!"

Then we continued to talk about her swimming for an hour or so and Nick continued to awkwardly fiddle with the buttons of his shirt and to not contribute anything to our conversation. But apart from that, the world seemed normal again for a while and that felt great.

When they left again Nick seemed more than just a little relieved about escaping this apparently truly uncomfortable situation. I, on the other hand, was left to my miserable loneliness again, with nothing but Saki's promise to call every day and the prospect of being welcomed in school as a selkie.

Moreover, Neil decided that I need to "rest" for the next few days before school starts again. If there is one thing I cannot do any longer, it is "resting". But I will just keep telling myself, its only two more days until Neil will be going back to work and as soon as I remember what happened that godforsaken evening, things will start getting back to normal ... hopefully.

Yours,
Cassie