Ocean full of Secrets

Part I_10

24th of February 2014

I haven't written in a while now and I noticed that I missed it a lot. Which is strange considering how reluctant I was to do this in the beginning.

Today is the last day of our spring break and I couldn't be less excited to go back to school. But before I get to that, let me tell you about the holidays.

Saki wasn't home all week because she was at a training camp and Nick seems to be avoiding me. But I didn't mind being alone. It meant that I could go running by myself and try to organize my thoughts somehow. And I went. Every day. To the ocean and back. Or even further sometimes. I love the ocean. It shows me just how powerful water can be. It erases all traces left by careless humans with a single wave. It washes away fear, pain and grief and leaves nothing behind but a blank canvas. A fresh start. It also helps me put my problems into perspective, somewhat similar to looking at the stars. But nothing can beat the feeling of sitting on the jetty with the sea beneath your feet and the endless sky above your head. It shows me just how incredibly small I really am, but in a good way. Or rather, how immensely huge and wide the universe is. And it makes it impossible for me to believe that all of this was created without a plan. So, until proven otherwise, I will simply believe that there is a plan for me too, I just don't know it yet.

But until then I will have to continue my everyday life and I cant think of anything right now that would like to do less. As I said before, school starts again tomorrow, but I really don't feel like going. Saki already called twice today and I haven't answered, called back or texted. I know it's terrible and it makes me a terrible friend, but I just cant listen to her stories about trainings camp today, or about how busy she is and how annoying her little brother can be. All these little things seem so unreal, so irrelevant nowadays. I know it's selfish and cruel. Go ahead and hate me for it. You can't hate me more than I hate myself already. I can't even look at my phone anymore without being eaten by guilt, even more now than I was being consumed by before. Guilt about how I treated my mother, guilt about how I'm treating Neil, guilt about neglecting school, guilt about whatever I did and can't remember, guilt about not trying harder to remember and now guilt about ignoring Saki as well. Plus, I don't know what exactly I did to Nick, but it must've been something bad to make him act the way he does.

Long story short, I don't know how I'm supposed to face them again without drowning in shame and guilt. I'd rather just stay alone with the stars, the ocean and the universe. The universe doesn't judge you or call you crazy or rush you to do things you don't want to.

Last Wednesday my therapist told me that I cant keep going like that forever and that I will have to start dealing with what happened eventually. If I want to or not. He also says that I seem to be refusing to let the memory come back to me, that I'm reluctant to remember. Maybe he's right. Maybe that's what is happening. Maybe I really am to blame for all of this. But it's not as if I don't want to remember. I just want for this whole mess to be over. I can't go on like this. I mean, what if I will never remember? But then again, what if I do? The truth is, I'm scared. Scared that whatever happened will change my life forever. Scared that it will completely change or ruin any relationship I still have. Scared that it will make going back to normal impossible. Forever.

Of course, not remembering might have the exact same consequences. Which is why I really do want to remember, but I have no idea anymore how to make that happen.

My therapist offered his opinion to this as well. He recommended using post-its to write everything down that I do remember. Be it about the event, the day before, ten years ago or a long-forgotten maths equation. Each of the post-its I should then stick to a wall that I will have to look at everyday. Even though I again don't know how this is supposed to help, especially seeing as I haven't remembered a thing, I am willing to give it a try. I really want to get this over with.

I have to stop now, there is an incredibly strong storm raging outside and I think I can feel the entire tree house shaking. Maybe I'd better go back home before it breaks down. I really hope it doesn't though. It's my only place of refuge and familiarity. I think this storm is even strong and disastrous enough to be given some ridiculous name. Probably something like Mike or Kevin or Patrick. I really don't understand why people have to give names to storms, tsunamis et cetera. I guess it's a way to humanise them. It probably makes it easier to deal with all the damage that has been caused if you have someone to blame for it. Fucking Mike. It's all Mike's fault. I suppose it's always easier to blame something human than nature. Still, it seems wrong.

Yours,
Cassie