Ocean full of Secrets

Part II_1

Chapter 1

After three days and a total of 61 hours of constant supervision, so she wouldn't try to hurt herself once more, Cassie was finally released from the hospital.
"So, how does it feel to be going home again?" Neil asks, turning his eyes away from the road ahead so he can look her in the face. Cassie only continues to stare out the passenger window, watching the all too familiar trees and buildings pass by at a seemingly impossibly fast pace. She didn't think she would ever see them again. Would the situation be a different one, she might laugh at the question's triteness. Today, however, she is startled by her inability to find an answer. How does she feel coming home again after she thought she might never see the light of day again? After she had everyone who cares about her worried sick because of her stupidity? It was only after reading Oliver's letter that she realised what consequences her actions had caused and might have caused, had Saki not found her in time. Cassie can't imagine how she must've felt. After all, wasn't Saki also the one who found her father, that fateful day 12 years ago, drowned in a lake? Saki came to visit her twice in the hospital but Cassie pretended to be asleep both times. After causing her best friend so much pain, she wasn't yet ready to face her. Not until she had found the right words to express how sorry and ashamed she feels. And it's not only Saki, but also Nick, Oliver and Neil. She will have to apologise to all of them for what she put them through. Not only last Thursday, but over the last through months. Cassie sees now that her behaviour wasn't fair to them. They stood by her and she let them down. Every single one of them. Even her mother. Every time Cassie closes her eyes she can see the words her brother wrote to her.
The first time she read them, she could feel a lump forming in her throat and her eyes filled with tears, though she managed to blink them away so Neil would not see them. It wasn't Oliver's revelation about her mum's death that almost made her tear up. He was right. Unconsciously she had known that all along. It was the fact that he had been living with this secret ever since, all along blaming himself for what wasn't his fault, being eaten up by guilt and feeling too ashamed to share it with anyone. Even with her. Secrecy, it seems, lies in the family. Ever since reading the letter, she wants nothing more than to call Oliver, to tell him that whatever he did, nothing could lower her opinion of him and that of course his confession did not ruin their relationship as it was. If anything, it's stronger now than ever before. She wants to tell him that she, too, had blamed herself all this time and that she wished they could've suffered together. She wants him to know that it wasn't his fault and that if he ever feels this way again about anything, he can always talk to her and she'll listen. And more than anything she wants for him to come home so she can bury her face in his hand-knitted sweaters, fill her lungs with his scent of forests and thyme, of coffee and cinnamon and of freedom and feel his strong arms holding her tight and keeping her from falling down. Oh how she misses his warm embrace. She only hopes that university hasn't changed him too much. But Cassie has to wait a few more days to tell him all these things. For now it's only her and Neil. And John Lennon. She can already hear him barking behind the front door as soon as Neil turns into their driveway. Hearing this familiar sound she suddenly feels glad to be back home. Maybe the next few days aren't going to be as bad as she had feared after all.
"It feels good", she tells Neil as she unlocks the door and is greeted by a wagging tail, four pawns jumping at her and a very wet tongue in her face. John Lennon is obviously not trying to hide his excitement at her return.

Cassie is determined to make up for her behaviour over the last few months and so she approaches Neil the same evening and proposes to have dinner together, which is something the two of them haven't done ever since Joanna's death. This was most likely because these evenings have a tendency to end in arguments, with Cassie eventually storming off to her room halfway through, leaving her food to turn cold almost untouched. This time though she's confidant she'll make it work. Especially after she sees the same determination in Neil's eyes when they light up with glee at her proposal. He even offers to order pizza from her favourite Italian restaurant and that they could eat it in front of the TV. Maybe, he says with a mischievous smile, they could even eat it while watching Harry Potter? Cassie knows that this is a huge compromise for him, seeing as Neil detests eating on the sofa. He always claims that he needs at least 50 square centimetres of table in front of him to comfortably fit in at least one plate, one glass, preferably a bowl for salad, cutlery and his hands (which were, Cassie has to admit, rather large). Maybe, though, that's the reason he wants to order pizza, which he can eat without a plate or cutlery. Thinking about this, Cassie feels a sudden rush of affection towards him and for a moment she considers hugging him, but she doesn't want to ruin the unusually nice moment with an act of awkwardness.
"I'd love that," she says smiling up at him instead. And that will have to do for now.
When Cassie put on the socks Liz had made for her and the pizza finally arrives, Neil pays the deliveryman at the door, they cuddle up on the sofa underneath multiple blankets and quilts and start the DVD. All through Harry's time at the Dursleys' they eat in silence and Cassie is reminded of all the evenings spent in this manner when she was a lot younger and her mum was out of town. Neil would always order pizza or Chinese food, because after too many tries at serving Cassie and Oliver his home-cooked meals, he had eventually given up. Even though neither of them ever complained, on the contrary, afraid to hurt his feelings they never left a single crumb on their plates, they did not manage to completely hide their disgust. And though Neil appreciated their efforts, even he had to admit that his meals were more suitable as a punishment than nourishment. So he eventually switched to ordering dinner home. However, not without having both Cassie and Oliver sign a paper, stating that if ever word was to get through to their mother about this change, they would have to eat his food until the day they die. As expected, neither of them ever said a word. After his wife's death he finally took a cooking short-course which successfully helped make his meals more edible, however, they were still no match for ordered pizza.
Now their plates are empty and harry has just found out about the sorcerer's stone, but still Neil doesn't say a word. More than once Cassie expects him to start talking but he stays quiet, seemingly absorbed by the film. She is glad he doesn't try to make forced conversation and decides to enjoy the evening instead of worrying about what's not there. After all, it's her favourite film of all time. As soon as the credits start, however, Neil switches the Television off and turns to look at Cassie. She braces herself, knowing that this is the moment she has been dreading all evening, but everything she had prepared to say to him suddenly seems to have vanished from her mind. So she decides to let him talk first and simply improvise then.
"Cassie, I know you don't want to talk about what happened and I promise I'm not going to. Just please ... promise to listen to what I have to tell you and to not just run off to your room, okay? Please. I really don't want to ruin this evening any more than you do. So just let me say what I have to say and then you can leave. You don't have to say anything just now, okay?" Cassie only nods her head to let him know that she's listening.
"I spoke to Dr. Gibbons, your therapist, yesterday and we had a very long talk about ... everything, really, but I don't want to bore you with the details. The essential part is that we came to a decision concerning what to do from now on, taking in account ... the recent events, and we both thought it best to let you decide for yourself whether or not you want to continue your therapy. And even if you decide to stop, should you ever change your mind, Dr. Gibbons would be happy to squeeze in an appointment for you somewhere." Cassie lets out a sigh of relief. She hasn't expected Neil's news to be this good. On the contrary, she was afraid her treatment would become a lot stricter and more time-consuming after the 'recent events' as Neil put it.
"I don't want to seem ungrateful and I really appreciate everything he's done to help me, I really do, but if given the choice, frankly, I'd rather not return to his office ..." Cassie wants to go on but Neil puts up his finger, motioning her to stop.
"That's not all I have to say to you, Cassie. There's more. And this part is a lot more important. So, please, take a minute to carefully think about what I'm going to tell you and don't just impulsively say the first thing that comes to mind. Okay?" At his last words Cassie feels a bit offended, for all she knows she is the has always been the least impulsive person in their house. But then again, maybe recent events have caused a change in this hierarchy. Either way she decides that now is not the time to this discuss this matter and instead she slowly nods her head again in understanding.
"After giving the situation a great deal of thought, we have come to the conclusion that we will not force you to live in oblivion any longer. Cassie, if you wish to know what happened that Tuesday night in January then I will not hesitate to tell everything I know. I promise. No more secrets, no matter how hard it will be for me to break this information to you. I've been selfish for long enough now."
When Cassie doesn't respond he adds, "You don't have to decide tonight, we have time. Just sleep over it first. Once I tell you, there's no going back. "
Cassie stays silent again. His unexpected offer is like a punch in her stomach, she feels the air being knocked out of her lungs and the living room starts to turn around her in circles. Was she not still sitting on the sofa, Cassie is sure she would fall over. All this time in the hospital was spent trying to make peace with not knowing, to be okay with living in oblivion and moving on. She is still miles away from where she would like to be but she was getting closer. Now, however, this sudden possibility of knowing, maybe even of closure, turns all her efforts and considerations and the decision she has eventually come to upside-down. Her head is filling with thoughts again. Thoughts she can't find words for. And so they all tumble and stumble into her mouth, only to be swallowed back down again.
"Okay," she finally manages to say and she hopes that he'll understand that what she really meant to say is that she'll take his advice and sleep over it. If she manages to sleep at all after Neil dropped this bombshell, that is.
"Okay," he says and smiles at her. She tries to smile back, gets up from the sofa and carries the pizza boxes and their glasses back into the kitchen. Just as she's about to walk upstairs to her bedroom, Neil calls after her.
"Cassie, wait, please!" She turns around and finds him walking up to her. In the light of the corridor lamps he looks much older and sadder, his face more tired and wrinkled than she had ever seen it before. Cassie is surprised at how much worse he looks now than only a week ago. As if he had aged years instead of mere days.
"Cassie," he says. "I know that I will never be able to replace your mother, no matter how hard I try. Life will never be the same again as it was before and neither will either of us. But I want you to know that I'm doing my best, I really am. And I know that I screw up sometimes, a lot of the time actually, but I don't do it on purpose. Everything I do, I do out of love. And everything I say, I say to show you that. But nine out of ten times it doesn't come across like that and I hope that you can forgive me. I also know that I'm not your real father and that nothing I do or say can make up for that, but nevertheless I hope that you will let me be a part of your life. At least until you go off to university. Because, and I know I'm not good at expressing it, but I love you, I really do."
At his confession guilt starts to fill up Cassie's lungs and crawl up her throat, threatening to suffocate her. She cant stand the intensity of the situation any longer and so she quickly answers "I know" and gives him a smile that holds all her unspoken feelings, hoping, again, that he'll understand. Then she finally walks upstairs and into her room where she gives way to the tears she didn't know she has been holding back.