Ocean full of Secrets

Part I_11

26th of February 2014

My family carries a lot of generic diseases. My granddad had cancer, my granny both M.S. and dementia and my mum was anorexic and depressive, at least when she was my age. Plus, I don't even want to know how many I'm probably getting from my father's side. But even without those I feel it's already enough to justify what's happening to me. But what exactly is happening to me? Am I going dement, like granny? Or is it more something in the likes of a brain tumour? At least I'm pretty sure that it's not a side effect of Multiple Sclerosis, which is a good thing, right? Don't think I'm stupid though, I know that 17 years is a bit too young to be going dement.

However, temporary amnesia is not that far from it, is it? Fact is, I'm losing my memory and that scares me a lot.

Say, for argument's sake, I really did do something terribly bad and forgot about it or suppressed it, couldn't that happen or have happened more than once? What if I keep doing these things, whatever they are, and keep forgetting about them? That just can't be my life from now on or for however long this has been going on already.

I can't continue avoiding people forever. Someday I will have to face them again. But I don't know how to prevent these things from happening if I don't even know what these things are. And maybe I'm better off alone anyways. After all, it's not as if anyone was trying to help me anyways. And who knows, maybe they aren't safe in my presence anymore then it would be the best for everyone if I just stayed away for a while or longer.

And that is how I ended up here, in my tree house, on a Wednesday morning, alone but for John Lennon. That is if being in the presence of a dog is contradictory to being alone. I guess you can decide that for yourself.

Fact is that I was too scared to face all those judgemental people at school today and I have never skipped a single class in my entire life, let alone an entire day. And I don't even know if I can ever go back. Back to school. Back to normal. At least not before this whole mess has been cleared up and I know at least as much as they do or hopefully more. But I feel like I haven't made any progress so far and frankly I'm not surprised.

I feel like the whole world thinks I'm crazy and they're just laughing about my ignorance, waiting for me to break. They're probably already planning on sending me to the psych ward. But I won't do them that favour. Even if I have to stay in this tree house forever, I wont sacrifice my freedom.

The only one who doesn't seem to think I'm crazy and who knows even less than me is John Lennon. Sometimes I really wish I could be a dog too. He doesn't have to think about anything but whether he is hungry or not. And most of the time, the answer to that is yes.
Even Nick and Saki, my so-called best friends, think I'm going crazy. Of course they didn't say it out loud. Who says something like that out loud? Apart from everyone else at school I mean. But they have both been starting to act weird around me. Whenever I enter a room they stop talking, they constantly share these meaningful looks between them and they have gotten into the annoying habit of asking me whether I am okay or if I want to talk about it. Well, I might if I knew what it was. They say they're worried about me but I know better.

I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm all on my own and I like it that way. Maybe some people are simply better off without friends, or family for that matter. Who needs relationships? They only ever end in pain and tears anyway. Or worse. You never know. The only way to avoid them ending that way is to not have any in the first place. And if the scenario I described earlier is actually true, the others are probably better off without me as well. I'm trying to tell myself that that's the reason I'm not in school today, but if I'm being honest with myself its probably more the way the others keep looking at me in the hallway and during classes, or the way the teachers treat me as if I was retarded, or as if I'm likely to forget anything they tell me the minute it leaves their lips and therefore they don't even bother to check my homework or ask me anything, ever. And so I'm just getting more and more passive and lost in my own thoughts and I don't need to sit in school to do that. I don't need people's pity, especially not if I might not even deserve it. They probably know the exact events of that day just as little as I do. Maybe they are completely oblivious to the fact that I might be the actual perpetrator. Maybe they have absolutely no idea of the danger they put themselves into by being around me.

Yours,
Cassie