Ocean full of Secrets

Part I_21

And the ocean
taught her how to
drown in all the
things bigger than
herself. The ocean
loved her and knew
everything that
made her. And
every time she'd
walk to the shore,
she'd smile at the
ocean because the
waves told her story.

- Robert M. Drake

19th of March 2014,
St. Andrews

Dear Cassie,

What in the world were you thinking?
When dad called yesterday to tell me what had happened all I could think was "No! Please, no! Not again!" I could already feel my heart skipping a beat in apprehension as soon as Philippe told me that my dad called him on his cell phone to talk to me. But still I didn't expect anything like this. I can't and don't even want to imagine how desperate you must've felt to do something this stupid and I am so incredibly sorry that I couldn't be there for you when you needed me most. I can already hear you tell me that I mustn't blame myself, that there was nothing I could've done and that it was all your own fault. But honestly, right now I'm just glad that I will be able to hear your voice again at all and I promise I won't mind you telling me off for anything ever again.
But sis, did you really think that any problem could be solved this way? Couldn't you see how many more you were creating instead? I don't think I have ever been this relieved about one of your intentions failing. Not even the time you tried to put a snake in my guitar. My god, Cassie, do you have any idea how much you would've hurt the people who love you? How much it would've hurt me? Or have you thought about how Saki must've felt after finding you?
But then again, maybe, if only I would have been easier to reach, if I had had a cell phone, maybe you would've called me, maybe I could've helped you. I'm so sorry. I promise I'll try to be a better brother from now on. I suppose I have just been so caught up in my newfound freedom and independence here that I completely neglected my brotherly duties. There's no excuse for that. I wasn't there for you just like I wasn't there for mum when she needed me. I failed her and now she's dead. But I promise you, I will never fail you again.
Speaking of mum, there's something I should've told you a long time ago, but I never got up the courage to do so. Maybe because I was scared that it might lower your unrightfully high opinion of me, maybe because speaking out loud about it would inevitably make it seem real and true and I couldn't handle that. But its time for you to hear what I did, even if it will end our relationship as it was, forever. I killed our mother, Cassie. Or rather, I failed at saving her, which, legally, results in almost the same thing. I'm so sorry. I should've told you then. I should've told everyone. But I was so angry. At myself and the world and, unrightfully so, at her. Cassie, I'm afraid the police was wrong. But I suspect you have known that all along, haven't you? I saw it in your eyes. You never believed it was just an accident, did you? We never talked about it and I felt we had come to an unspoken agreement to let it remain a mystery. But sis, I fear I have to break that agreement now.
A month prior to her death I caught her in the bathroom. She was silently counting little white pills onto a pile next to the sink. Her eyes were blood-shot, from crying I presumed. Proof of all the pain she had been so successfully hiding from us. As the severity of what she was doing dawned on me, I stopped dead. Paralysed I wished for nothing more than to un-see what I had witnessed. I wished for oblivion. As soon as she caught sight of me standing in the doorframe, she jumped up as if electrified by an invisible trigger, causing all the pills to scatter on the floor around her bare feet. Surrounding her like a field of frozen tears. Their sight was mesmerizing. I did not even look up when she started to talk to me. I heard her words but their meaning did not find its way into my head. I was hypnotized by the way the pills were forming constellations on the dark tiles of our bathroom floor. Like stars on the night sky, shining bright through the darkness, small lights guiding the way.
I cant remember what she said to me exactly, but I know she came up with the most ridiculous explanation you can imagine. She never was a good liar. But when I lifted my eyes to look into hers, she was crying. She begged me to believe her and made me promise not to tell anyone. Not dad. And not you. Especially not you. And I did. Right then and there I chose to believe her. Because you believe what you want to believe and I wanted nothing more than for her words to be true. Because the alternative would have been too terrible for me to fathom.
When I promised that it would remain our secret a sad smile lit up her face, but I was unable to smile back and the next moment it was gone. I don't know how long I stood in the doorframe watching her, but when I eventually left, all the stars had already carefully been put back into their rightful bottles and all the lights had gone out.
During the following weeks neither of us ever mentioned the incident again. Mum proceeded to pretend that everything was fine and I chose oblivion. Not long and I was already starting to doubt my own recollections of that night and I was wondering whether it had really happened. It seemed like a dream to me. A nightmare that is. Little did I know the real nightmare was only about to happen.
It was all my fault. I could've stopped her but I didn't. and not a day has passed since that I don't blame myself. And if you left me too, I don't know, I can't imagine how I could deal with that.. but I do know that dad and I could never manage on our own. We're nothing without you. I love you, sis. I love you so much. And Cassie, I know that you're strong. So much stronger than you think. And you will pull through this. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for me, do it for mum. Do it for mum because she couldn't be strong enough for herself. But you, Cassie, you can be strong for both of you. You can get through this, I know you can. And this time you're not alone.
There's something else I've been meaning to tell you sis. Once again you were right. When you told me I was studying law for all the wrong reasons. When you said that another approach to fighting inequality would suit me much better. I can see that now and I'm happy to tell you that I'm taking your advice. I'm quitting my studies. I'll be coming home in a week and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing you again. I miss you so much sis. I already called the café where I worked last summer and they agreed to give me a job again. This way I can save up some money to do what you always told me to do: Travel. I'll start by exploring the magic of South-East-Asia and we'll see where it goes from there. Oh sis, I should've listened to you from the start. I'm so sorry. But I was convinced that following in her footsteps would help me understand her motives better. And I thought, maybe I'd even find a way to live with my guilt. A legal loophole as you may. But I was mistaken. If I ever want to find a way to live with my past, I have to find myself first. And what better way to do that than by getting lost?

Take care Cassie and don't fight too much with dad, he means well.

See you soon, your loving brother,
Oliver