one day i began to think

the last of us.

you pressed your forehead against mine, like you always do. this time to reassure me, calm me. your thoughts so close to mine were supposed to ease the chaotic ones in my mind. you thought you had me melting against the graze of your skin against mine.. like you usually do when you lay your face against mine like this..what you didn't know is that instead i was a wreck. my heart on overtime, threatening to send me into cardiac arrest if i didn't let it beat out of my chest. i was struggling to breathe like i was drowning under the humidity in the midnight air. i was going back and forth between picking my nails and aggressively bouncing my legs to find a sense of comfort. i didn't. 

 what you really didn't know is that i only had one thought you couldn't ease. one sentence fighting for its life to break through my lips which was causing my entire body to ache. one thing to say that if i let out.. i had to mean.

and i really.. really didn't want to say it, but i had to. 

you had no idea what was about to come out. you were ready to carry on with the rest of our night, go back inside to the living room to play our little video game before going to bed. it made me want to retreat. you just wanted us to be us, and i didn't want to take it from you. but i wouldn't be. you made that decision for us.. you broke my trust when you confided in her with my business. i didn't hear a single word you said after that. just the ringing in my ears and one ungodly overpowering thought of how i didn't want to keep hurting like this anymore. i closed my eyes.. and before my brain could process it, the words were coming out.

"this is the last time we're going to see each other."

you pulled your forehead from mine. your face dropped instantly and there was an entire shift in you presence, like i robbed you of your good spirit. i know i did, but you just robbed me of mine a few minutes ago. 

you straightened up while i stayed glued in my chair. "wh-.. why? why???" the desperation in your voice was like a knife in my already bleeding heart, and being twisted as i hesitated to give you an explanation.

you returned back to your chair, defeatedly slumped in it and overlooked the pool trying to collect your thoughts. "are you..mad? about her?"

yes, i am. but not just mad, i'm sad, upset, i'm hurt.. so fucking hurt. i feel betrayed, stupid, naive. i feel like i should've listened to dain and faith when they said i was just going to get my heart broken by you.

i shook my head, because that only gave me the edge i needed to have this conversation. 

i tried my best to speak as calmly and clearly as i could with the least amount of tremble in my voice. "no.. no, it's because we are ending anyways. like.. you're moving soon and- and i have my family shit i need to worry about and she's re-entering your life and you can focus on that--"

"no, isabelle. no." you cut me off, "she is not my focus."

you tried your best to convince me it wasn't like that. and its not that i didn't believe you, i just couldn't see past the damage that was already done.. and how much it would tear me apart if i stuck around. 

"i get that. i just think if you're going have her around and back in your life, then i'm going to step away. we're supposed to end anyway, just seems like now is the right time."

it was more than that, but you wouldn't let me get much word in. and when i tried you said it was like i was trying to find bad stuff to get out of this relationship.

"i mean.. i was the one who offered to taper off." you sounded frustrated with how you said that, like you were just okay with us eventually fading off into nothing.