one day i began to think

atelophobia

I've been.. in hiding recently. I was afraid someone saw my account.. one of the people who could really hurt me once she saw it.. it scared me so bad I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think about anything else except that and how.. this is literally my every thought, where I escape, where I let go. it's been my safe space for years and.. although my ex boyfriend or ex best friends can see what I write.. I used to not care because this is my platform not theirs, this is mine.. but suddenly that one person, I was terrified when everything made it seem like she was reading my stuff.. I talked about it with alissa and bailey.. and I laid low for a while, but they told me I shouldn't have to hide. what is she going to do that she hasn't already done? what is she going to say she hasn't already spread? what is she going to think thats any different.. exactly so. whether she sees this or not.. okay. I want my outlet back.

anyway,

I've been.. incredibly stressed. swamped in school, homework, working three jobs, speech every single damn day, musical coming up, financial status.. I just.. can't get a break.

I've also.. mastered the art of "bottling up". it's incredibly unhealthy I know.. I know it is but.. it's like I'm a guy. where the expectations of my feelings have to be.. beneath the surface. at first I didn't mind.. but now that I've been increasingly losing my sanity I kind of regret just being used to not talking about how I feel.. especially here. I feel like barricade seconds away from breaking but can't allow myself.. I'm the strong friend, the therapist, the wise one with good advice in almost all situations.. I am not the emotional wreck.. I can't be. even when over half of my character was cut from my speech piece due to us going over time.. it being unfair considering it's my senior year and it was a huge role with a bug monologue that I deserved but.. while Kyle (speech coach) was discussing why it would be a good idea and everyone turned to me.. I just looked up, nodded and said "yeah, I don't want us to go over so it's okay, we can cut my part." I felt the choke in my throat when I spoke but I fought against it, I can't cry.. that doesn't look good. I can't be upset,, I have to be a team player. I can't break even when my parents make me feel like I'll never make it to college, I have to make all these grown up decisions on my own. apply for dozens of apartment units and want to come tour with Andi but she's never able to, and I don't want to go to campus for the day all alone. So I've talked to so many landlords/tenants/building managers about moving in and how much I need an apartment while my parents sit and are no help at all. it just reminds me a lot of how my childhood felt ripped from me.. and now I just want to go back to when life wasn't so.. hard, expectations they have on me and my grades and how much money I make.. I just want to drop everything and ask for them to make me feel less like an adult.. and more like their baby again. but I can't.. I can't break, I have to keep growing up and push away the nostalgia and crave for a time that was simple. I can't show it.. even when I didn't get Sandy in the school musical. Frenchie.. I got Frenchie.. still a very important and good role.. but it's not Sandy. it's not THEE lead. I was the lead in the play so, I guess this is just fair but.. it hurt so bad.. it hurt to not be able to feel successful. But, I nodded, told Kyle thank you and stayed to talk to everyone, encouraging everyone- especially alissa- who did get Sandy. and genuinely, I was happy for her and proud of her, I wasn't mad or jealous, it just stung. but to lose to anyone, I would want it to be her, my best friend, because she deserved it just as much as I did if not more. so.. I don't show how I truly feel anymore, I can't. I hold a face, a composed, happy one.. why? because.. I have to. no one wants me different..

sadly.. one day I did break, fortunately though it was when I was alone in my living room sitting on the couch. I sat thinking, scrolling through my vsco and looked at all these girls post of them in skin tight dresses, tank tops, mini skirts, tube tops, little jean shorts, crop tops, drop shoulder sweaters.. and nothing was wrong with all of that.. except every girl was skin and bone, structured jawline with defined collarbones, and hourglass shape, thigh gap, and perfect complexion on their entire somehow still sun kissed in the winter skin..