one day i began to think

the last 72 hours

I have a lot that happens that people don't know unless I shared it with them.. and usually, I choose not to do that. I bottle it all up now. no one needs to know, I don't need to share.. 

but before.. I had one person I told everything. I ad no reason to hide, even when I was specifically told not to tell them the truth- I couldn't handle keeping anything from him.. and he made me feel like I had nothing to be afraid of, he comforted me in ways that I find unforgettable. I shared every secret, always the first person I confided in, cried to, needed a hug from, vented about my shitty day to. 

he's gone.. and he was the only thing that gave me a window of hope of peace. he's done with me, but the struggles continue. I still encounter problems everyday that I need him around for, only he would understand- he had no judgement.. he just wanted to love me.. at least that's what I thought.. and like to pretend is the truth to keep my memories happy. he's gone.. and I won't reach out to him for help.. I can't.. it's weak of me. it's stupid.. I tried once before and all it did was tear me to shreds, made me reconsider the truth of everything about him.. about us.. and I'm not willing to bother him or hurt myself just because I was attached to how he cared about me. cared. past tense.. 

so.. it's time I share here. he might see.. hopefully he won't. I don't care.. I need to let it out.. and if he's not going to be who helps.. this will be.

my dad and I got into a fight last night. my car broke down in the middle of the street and I called him for help. he said he was sleeping and didn't care. said it was all my fault and he wasn't willing to help, that I was inconsiderate to disturb his time. he told me to ask someone else for help and figure it out on my own. so I did.. I hung up and called up my friends.. and their parents came to the rescue and were worried about me. I sobbed the entire time. these parents wanted to take care of me.. but not my own dad. over the last few months.. he's been rude to me. told me I needed to lose some weight.. so I did.. worked really hard and still I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if it's enough. still some belly clings to me and I hate it.. I don't want to be told again I look chubby. he's been inconsiderate towards my mom and my brother, saying hurtful things to them that drive them away. he said I'm all he has left.. but then goes on to tell me how horrible of a child I am. 

sometimes I feel like he hates me.. I'm the only reason he sticks around.. I feel like i'm just a pain in his ass now that I've had to grow up and fend for myself.. I'm just a burden he's forced to deal with. 

while my friends and their parents were literally pushing my car uphill so it wasn't in the way of traffic anymore, he continued to blow up my phone to tell me how irresponsible and inconsiderate I am. I told him I didn't need his help anymore.. did what he asked and just wanted to be left alone. he then replied "only spoiled brats respond to their fathers this way.. I'm so disappointed in you. this is all your fault." 

that was the last of it in me.. I called my mom, giving her the run down and sent her screen shots of what he said to me. I told her I don't want to be near him, didn't want to talk to him, didn't want anything to do with him.. I just wanted peace,  not his stress. not to cry. 

this all happened.. the day before our first real day of school.. I went home last night, my friend drove me, and I packed an entire bag with clothes I need for however long. I didn't care, I just threw in what I needed to get out of there as soon as possible before he tried to yell at me. i got everything for the school day the next day, realizing my parents won't see me leave for my last first day, won't take pictures of me in my outfit for the last first day, won't get to hug me goodbye, won't get to cry as they realize it's the beginning of the end of my high school career.. and soon I'll be in college.. and won't be able to come home to them anymore..