one day i began to think

last first day.. kind of.

today was.. a first day. kind of. orientation for upperclassmen. it was my first day as a senior.. officially. and.. i did it alone.

i've been on my own for a minute now.. i don't necessarily like it but it doesn't pain me like it used to. in fact, all day i've been distracted over the future, what i have to fulfill this year as a senior, my take in leadership this year.. that my mind never trailed back to that one thing. and i was happy. happy that i was able to focus on this good right now in front of me, and not dwell in the past of what's broken and dead.

i went through all of my classes for this first semester, talking to teachers, putting my locker together, receiving syllabuses. i saw my friends, all of us realizing it's kind of our last first day.. all together. it was.. interesting, it felt different. felt more meaningful.

today i got a lot of stares from people. no one really knew i worked all summer, so seeing the new tone of my complexion caught just about everyone i haven't seen since may by surprise. i got a lot of "oh wow, you're so tan", "how're you that tan? what do you use?" "jeez, you're so dark." i've heard these many times from just about anyone, doesn't have to be people who knew me pre-tan. the ones that stuck out though were when they'd call me pretty.. tell me they're jealous of how nice it compliments me. i began to not like how i tan i became, and the attention from it. i felt weird being stared at, but it wasn't until they told me i was pretty, that it suits me.. was where i felt more comfortable in my darker body. girls told me they were jealous, a few boys had to do double takes, and some teachers asked me if i stayed outside too long that i was burned to a crisp. the answer to that is yes.

everything went smoothly. i had cheer practice and tumbling after school, went to work after that, and now i'm home, reminiscing about my day and manifesting good things for the future days to come. i began to read a book that is required to be finished by wednesday in this really hard class advanced class i decided to take this year. i'm one of the few people who decided to stay. the teacher, a very respectable man, is intense.. intimidating. he's hardcore, but i've always just found him to be a trusted person, someone to never disappoint.. and hopefully i'll be able to finish this book in time i won't have to live with the guilt knowing i failed him already.. but.. i bring him up for more than just he's a scary teacher with expectations on a book to be read..

while he gave us a brief explanation of the course us students decided to take, he was trying to drill into us how much work must be put into the class. he himself said that a good grade in his class won't come easy, everything needs to be earned, everything needs to be worked for. i nodded my head while he spoke, listening intently. he continued, letting us know how our participation is important to him- and that we will have many discussions with one another. this is where he paused and said "but this is one of the most important things in this class.." we all leaned in, eyes glued to him waiting for the answer "you are allowed to disagree. it's a good thing! good to disagree. but you need to have respect for one another."

i said that i was happy with myself for not being caught up in past situations, but as i'm replaying everything i encountered during my day today as if it were filmed just for me to watch- i keep thinking back to him saying that. and it began to make me think.

that he referred it to us debating or talking over a controversial subject. and though we might not see it the same way, we have no excuse to be disrespectful. that's something lost among our generation and society now. that to disagree means to fight and never try to solve the problem, but to make personal attacks at each other to get the last laugh.

i applied it to many things.. and then.. the obvious. that was my philosophy all along.. but it was shoved away during the phase we were going through. and now, i can't even explain any of that, can't fully make them comprehend anything. i guess i don't want to either.. i just wish i could've a long time ago so it made better sense -for the both of us.

to disagree.. but maintain respect. once we lost respect, what started out as something harmless became a fire that would only be able to go out by walking through it to get to forgiveness, but they didn't want to.. they were scared and i didn't know how to help. it doesn't seem like they wanted it from me anyway.. but to imagine what it would've been like had we applied what my teacher said to us.. the reevaluation would've helped us..

but it's too late. and i know that.

it just sticks with me what my teacher said.. and immediately i associated it with you. i just think of the potential now gone and wasted forever. it really is a shame.. but people have told me it's better this way, better that it's over, and sometimes i agree. but little phrases like today like to wrap around my brain and squeeze it until it's forced to think of something.

it was only my first day, i'm sure this teacher will have many more quotes and sayings and just about anything to "entertain" us (and himself). and i'm mentally preparing for every sentence, so that next time i won't be sitting her in my bed in the dark hearing the echo of the sentence.

we will see..

_____

on a side note.. i'm soo tired. it is unbelievably bad just how tired. i'm ready to curl up into bed and not wake up until i absolutely have to. :)

- belle <\3