one day i began to think

S3, E15/16

I watched the episode on Friends of Rachel and Ross breaking up tonight. In the past it has always made me cry, I've always just bursted into a flood of emotion from the scene and every moment leading up to it I felt an unbearable pain in my chest because.. I know what's going to happen, I know that soon it'll be over. 

I like to skip to the next seasons. When they get back together after 4 months on their trip to the beach. Their second first kiss, and how much harder Rachel was on Ross this time around for hurting her heart so bad..  but they end up breaking up again because they couldn't agree. 

Then to where they have their small moments in later seasons, like when Ross helps Rachel get ready for her work party after she hurt her rib and know he's missing his chance on television, or when Rachel realizes she's still in love with Ross and flies to London to tell Ross before he marries Emily.. but she doesn't do anything because.. she would know it would hurt him too much to, or when they kiss on the night of Monica and Chandler's engagement- it really led us to believe there was going to be something there for them again. Then there's the night in Vegas, where they get so drunk and then end up getting married but then they have to end up getting divorced and Ross says "You know I've divorced a lot of women.. I never thought I'd be divorcing you though.." and then later in the episode where Monica and Chandler get married we find out Rachel is pregnant and a few episodes later, Ross is the father. When Rachel goes into labor, they kiss.. Ross thinks about starting their relationship over again now that they have they're having their baby.. but we are let down yet again. But.. on the last episode, before Rachel is about to leave for Paris and where Joey tells Ross "maybe this is good, now that she's in Paris you'll finally be able to move on." and Ross responds "but I don't want to get over her.. I'm gonna go after her". He does, and Rachel gets on the plane anyway.. and when Ross is sulking back at his apartment.. she walks into the door and they kiss.. and they promise that it's those two again, and they aren't doing anything ever again to mess it up because.. it's them. 

I love to watch them together.. I think it's just about the main reason I love Friends. It gives me hope in love, in relationships. I mean.. I know it's a show, it's fictional.. but it feels so real and like if I wanted something like that for me.. what Ross and Rachel have.. I could grab it if I tried hard enough.. 

I've had a hard time with "love" recently. "relationships". I.. don't even know how to.. talk about it. It's nothing reoccurring it's just that.. one time. that one saturday night and as intrusive as it is I also feel like I've emotionally blocked it out of my mind as if it never happened. 

I..hurt. I have bruises on my thighs, my shins, my ass. my body aches still from my shoulders to my ribcage. I shudder every time my mind brings me back to the awful moments of me in pain, and crying, and it doing nothing but fuel the situation.. 

I tried to ask for help.. I stumbled over all of my emergency contacts.. even those I don't talk to anymore. my parents were asleep, alissa didn't answer until it was done.. and then I was just left on read by the rest.. even when I begged. nothing. I had to tough it.. and now I walk around school, work, extracurriculars as if.. it never happened. I don't have a story to feel bad about, I have nothing to talk out, I have nothing to cry over. and I haven't yet.. I haven't broke yet.. I only cried in the moment, I sobbed and blamed it on other reasons that fit the incident, but that only brought me back to the toy I was my freshman and sophomore year, the trauma, the ptsd, all came rushing back within that 20-30 minutes.. and now I just think I'm in shock, neglecting it, gaslighting myself. 

I work up the next morning, went to work as normal. Came home, alissa asked how I was.. I said fine. She got me a coffee anyway to drink during speech, I was fine during speech. When I came home, I sat in my bed, all cozy and content, and instinctively.. I put on my comfort show: Friends.  The episode of Rachel and Ross kissing for the first time was on.. I didn't cry.. but I wanted to, I wanted to drop and sob like that "last time" in the car ride home screaming to God how sorry I was, I wanted to explode like the way I did on my drive home from the Freddy's parking lot asking what I did wrong, I wanted to crawl up into the bundle of blankets on my bed and never leave my room- not to eat, not to be with my friends, not to use the bathroom, not to do anything but sit blankly and question my existence and what good worth I am like I did the summer of my sophomore year.. 

but.. 

I didn't. I just sat.. and watched Friends..

and thought of how much I.. wished I had that again. 

I want my Ross.  

Wherever he is. 

Who ever he is.

Don't I deserve him? Doesn't God, the universe want that for me? Don't I owe that to myself? 

Isn't that how it's supposed to be? 

Until then I watch Friends.. watching Ross and Rachel. Watching them journey through the next 8 or more years until it's just them, promising to do whatever it takes to never mess up again..

..waiting for that to be me.