one day i began to think

2nd first kiss

4807..

4808..

maybe it was the climb of 4 flights of stairs or the fact that my heart was beating out of my chest, but I felt like any oxygen left in my body is slowly escaping the further I step down this narrow hallway. my keys began to rattle in my hands when they started to shake and I felt embarrassed with every person who passed me confused over my fearful demeanor.

4809..

4810..

two more to go.. and I can barely feel my feet as the dragged against the carpet. my breathing staggered while I tried to fan the slight sweat on my forehead.. should I just turn back? this isn't a good idea anymore.. but I already drove over an hour and a half to be here, that would've been a waste of gas and time and waking up early. but what if this isn't what I want it to be.. and it all is just too awkward? I mean, I haven't seen this guy in over 4 months, sure we've been talking.. FaceTiming.. making jokes as if we were something but.. what if he sees me and immediately regrets it.. what if someone finds out and suddenly I'm in a shit ton of trouble with a lot of people- I.. haven't even thought that far yet.. all I know is that my stomach turns as I pass 4811.. and know what's next.

4812. the number on the dorm door stares back at me. my entire body now trembles as I don't know whether to knock or just open the door. I choose neither.

"knock knock" I text, watching as the blue message sits as delivered. I hear nothing on the other side.. maybe he's not here? that wouldn't be so bad.. I could just leave that way. I could still wait.. give him a few more seconds. I try to distract myself with the braille that sits under the numbers to see if he'll text me back.

suddenly, the door opens. and stands before me is someone older, taller maybe, with eyes that matched mine in worry. but still.. someone I found familiar.. someone I had many feelings for. I didn't know what to say, I barely could search his face without feeling slightly sick. butterflies..? or maybe I'll just throw up right here. I really hope not.

he offers a faint smile, and I return the weak gesture, "hi".

"hey.." I respond. my voice coming out lighter and more scared than I expected.

he invited me in, and awkwardly I entered. I looked around the room, not necessarily dirty but not the neatest either. the bed wasn't made, there were many things scattered along the floor and both desks filled with miscellaneous items of his school work. he closed the door behind me while I walked further into the space, taking in where I am in this moment. I turned around to meet his face again- still he looked scared. He took my bag for me and set it on the chair beside his bed, and I was about to sit down but was interrupted when he softly said

"wait.." his arms held wide and then found themselves around my torso, his body now pressed up against mine. at first I was stiff, afraid to accept this feeling, afraid to fall into this just because it felt nice again. finally, I was able to release my tension, and my head rested into his shoulder and my hands placed themselves on his back. I took a deep breath.. and just soaked up the moment. I haven't hugged him in a long time, and all I could think of was the last hug we shared.. and what that was like.. and how we're having this hug now.. which just erased all the negativity that stirred in the past of us. we sat there for a while in our embrace, and it couldn't have been more peaceful.. it just felt like I was.. okay.

***

we got passed the awkward phase of catching up. I helped him clean his room, even helped him shave. I was scared the entire time, wondering what was going on in his head.. if he could read what was going on in mine.. if I'm allowed to even think that way.

we sat together on his bed, just talking. talking about life, laughing here and then about random jokes that came up. as we talked, something felt deeper, a little more dense. somehow, I found my way onto his lap as we spoke. it was casual, it wasn't too much.. at least it didn't feel like it yet.. his eyes traveled my face and that's when everything went numb for me. I watched as he searched for something in my eyes as well, and I was just waiting to see if he'd do it.. hoping he would.

and he did. his eyes met my lips, they did a few times. and when he did he'd always pause in the middle of our conversation, or what he'd say would slur as he obviously got distracted with something he was imagining. and I was imagining it too.. but again, I was scared. should I go in first? is that right? is that really what he wants?

our conversation stopped as he realized I was staring at his lips too. his hands laid on my back and I felt the warmth of his palms melt into me. this made my worries go away, but still I didn't lean in. my heart was pounding so fast I couldn't hear myself think of what I wanted to do next. his face inched closer.. and closer.. and finally his hand made it's way to the back of my head and began to push me closer to him.. this was it.. a kiss..

but.. I pulled away. out of panic. out of the "what ifs". out of my confused mind that didn't know what to do or think. out of fear that it wasn't going as far as I thought. out of thinking it's too much.. but I'm already here, on his lap, inches from his face. I was already here and.. I knew that's what I wanted.. so why did I stop him..

his eyes widened and I saw his soul leave his body. he was so frightened, enough to where his face was bright red, and he could feel it too because he buried his face into my chest.. quietly beginning to say "I'm sorry.. I'm so-".

but he didn't get to finish when I cup his face in my hands and lift his lips to mine after saying "oh shut up." and his lips met mine.

fireworks. explosion. clouds. symphony. angels. heaven. perfection.. it was everything. it was amazing. beautiful bliss as my body traveled through another universe, one where it was safe and calm and I didn't need anything else but this. my eyes began to swell and I felt a rush of emotion ripple through my chest and into my throat, but I didn't want to let go, I didn't want to stop. so I didn't, I just held on tighter, and took a deep breath as my face pushed harder against his.

this was it.. this is the beginning of something for the second time and I felt it then and there mid kiss. I felt him ease against me and I couldn't feel happier.. more right. more where I need to be. where I belong again.

it's like we found our way back to each other.. back to home.. and it started with this absolutely romantic, gorgeous, and passionate kiss we are sharing. we're here again.. and I never am going to leave.. not after this, not again.

_____

good memories that were saved as drafts. I have just now have decided to share them.

enjoy.

-belle </3