Todd and Neil managed to get a pass to leave campus that night. They both had enough merits on account of some community service they had each completed and they lied about going out to see a film. Truthfully, neither had any interest in the sorts- they just wanted to leave campus without having to sneak away. Todd took his time picking out a nice outfit nonetheless; he threw on a cable-knit sweater that his brother had given to him because he no longer fit into it. Todd had yet to wear it but decided that a date with Neil was the perfect opportunity.
Neil did not waste any time readying himself. He wound up being dressed twenty minutes before Todd even dug his sweater out of his closet. He looked stunning. Todd found moments where Neil was occupied with reading over lines or gazing out the window to admire him. He wore a dark turtleneck that made his already-prominent cheekbones stand out more than usual. After studying the angelic boy whose lips moved with tiny whispers that tumbled from his lips as he gazed wistfully out the frost-lined window, Todd figured that the only word that could accurately describe him was ethereal. Todd pulled on his sweater as quickly as possible as to not waste a second that he could spend gazing at Neil, who had yet to notice Todd's gaze, as he was deeply engaged in muttering his lines just loud enough so that if you really strained your ears and stood perfectly still you could almost hear what he was saying.
Just as Todd began to understand Neil's whispers the ethereal boy perked up.
"Were you waiting on me?" He asked, his tone apologetic.
"Not really. I just finished getting ready like two seconds ago," Todd replied, his cheeks heating up.
"You're sure?" A smirk danced on Neil's lips. He hopped off the radiator and tossed his script down on his bed.
Todd nodded, closing his eyes when Neil pressed a kiss to his forehead, his hands found themselves on either side of Todd's face. He smiled sheepishly and tucked his forehead into the crook of Neil's neck, Neil pulling his arms around Todd. Just as he sunk into Neil's embrace- just for a moment- the pressure in his chest subsided and he was safe.
"You ready to go?" Neil asked softly after a few moments.
Todd nodded and pulled apart from Neil, his heart jumping in his chest when their eyes met. Prior to meeting Neil, he thought that only happened in romance novels.
They were dropped off outside of the theater with the stern note of "You both better be back here by nine sharp. No exceptions" before they were allowed to go off alone. They waited for Nolan to pull away before they walked in the opposite direction away from the movie theater.
Neil's hand brushed Todd's slightly, almost teasingly as the couple walked down the street, their breaths billowing out in little clouds from their mouths.
"I don't think I've ever loved anyone so..." Neil paused, his eyes darting around the sky, "... dangerous as you." He chuckled.
"What's that mean?" Todd laughed nervously.
"C'mon," Neil nudged Todd, "not you, per se, but what we're doing."
"Yeah." Todd winced. He wished that Neil hadn't brought up the societal sensitivity of their love. "Who else have you been with?" He had to change the subject.
"Ah, some girl from summer school." Neil tucked his chin into his chest, shuddering as a bitey wind blew past. "She wasn't actually into me, I don't think. There was another girl before her when I was in intermediate school. We were thirteen though, so how serious could it have been?" He started to laugh but was interrupted by a wind-induced cough.
"I-I've never loved anyone like I loved you," Todd said quietly.
"Your one girlfriend?"
"I don't think I actually loved her." Their arms pressed together now, providing some
warmth against the bitter wind.
"How come?"
"She was mean to me," Todd giggled to ward away the thought of her prodding insults at
him.
Neil dipped into an empty park. A few benches lined the square that was lit by dim
amber lights which flickered if you looked at them for too long. The light provided was just bright enough to see in front of you though, and that's all the pair needed. Neil gazed over both shoulders before taking Todd's hands into his own. Todd leaned against him, exhaling the breath that he held in his chest.
"I can't wait to see my cats again," Todd said.
"You have cats?" Neil beamed.
The blond boy nodded, pressing himself against Neil. "I have a dog named Newton and two cats, Peggy-Sue and Mr. Beans."
"Oh, I love it! I have to meet them over winter break!"
"I didn't realize you were such an animal guy."
"Oh I love them," Neil pulled away to pace around the park. He and Todd's pinkies remained interlocked as he twirled, "I want a dog so badly. Of course, my father says it's a waste of time."
"Screw him!" Todd smiled, "You can come over and play with him. I like my cats a little better anyway."
"Peggy-Sue and Mr. Beans?" Neil said teasingly, now hopping to each crack in the
pavement. He released his finger from Todd's to do so.
"I-I named them when I was like, eleven." Todd's cheeks flushed.
Neil hopped over to Todd to plant a gentle kiss on his nose. "I think it's very cute," he said quietly as if it was confidential information.
Todd tilted his chin up, finding Neil's gaze with his own. Their lips lingered an inch apart, but neither boy moved to close the gap between them. Todd ached to kiss Neil, though it seemed as if kissing him was something that was to only occur while they were shut away in their dorm, without any chance of being seen. A boy's lips against another boy's were the most shameful sin one could commit, and though Todd would gladly spend an eternity in hell to be with Neil for just as long as their finite lives allowed, he was terrified to his core of the mortal consequence of being caught. Todd blinked, leaving his eyes closed for a moment longer than he usually would've, just in case Neil's lips found themselves against his own. He opened his eyes and saw Neil in just the same position as before, his expression darker. Todd furrowed his brows quizzically.
"I really do hate my father," Neil said quietly, with almost a tinge of guilt.
"Hate?" Todd stepped away from Neil, glancing over his shoulder nervously.
"God, yes. I don't throw that word around either. He has never let me do what I want- ever- and I swear to god if he found out I was with another boy, God, he'd take me out back and blow my brains out."
"Fuck, Neil!" Todd gasped, screwing up his face.
"It's true! You know it's true!"
Todd sighed, "Only a few more years until you can leave him."
"Hah!" Neil rolled his eyes, "To go off and be a doctor? Dr. Perry? I'd rather rip my fingernails out."
"I-I'm sorry, Neil," Todd stepped toward him again, still not daring to make physical contact, "at least Dr. Perry has a nice ring to it."
Neil didn't say anything for a while. He stared at the ground with a blank expression, as if trying to suppress the idea of a future outside of acting.
"Enough about that. Let's enjoy now," he said finally, the life flooding into his eyes again.
Todd smiled, the pit forming in his gut upon seeing Neil upset dissipating. Neil checked the entrance to the park before pulling Todd further, to a wooded area where the light didn't quite reach. Todd scoffed to expel the breath that he held nervously in his chest. He turned to ask why they were in such a secluded area, though he knew exactly why he wanted to hear Neil confirm- just to be sure- but before he could open his mouth to ask, Neil's hands were on his face and their lips sunk into each other. Todd stepped so that his back was pressed against a tree and Neil's hand trailed down to his waist, his fingertips tickling his skin as they moved delicately across his skin. Todd's core fluttered and he leaned his hips forward, pulling Neil in by his waist so that their hips pressed against each other, providing just enough friction to sponsor a hard-on from both parties.
Todd parted to exhale a shaky breath and Neil took the opportunity to move his kisses down to Todd's neck, earning a shaky exhale from the blond when Neil struck an area that sent a warm chill through his body. Todd closed his eyes and lolled his head to the side, allowing Neil better access to the side of his neck. His fingers squeezed involuntarily at Neil's sides, which drew him in closer.
"Neil," Todd's breath was shakier than he anticipated, "we're gonna get caught."
"Shhh," Neil's breath tickled the sensitive skin on Todd's neck and he shuddered again, running a hand through Neil's hair.
"Neil," Todd repeated, tugging his head back, "I'm being serious. We can't get caught."
A low whine roused in Neil's throat as he tucked the bridge of his nose into the crook of Todd's neck. "I know," he murmured, "I wish the beds at Welton weren't so damn creaky."
Todd swallowed the lump in his throat and shifted against the butterflies that erupted in his belly. He nodded, not wanting to process Neil's statement in fear of becoming too needy.
"What time is it?" He asked quietly.
"We have fifteen minutes."
Without hesitation Todd resumed their kiss with the same passion as before, knotting his fingers in the longer part of Neil's hair. He always anticipated kissing to be terrifying and dreadful, but kissing Neil felt so right. It made sense.
The car ride back to Welton generated a tensity so heavy both boys were positive that their driver was at least acutely aware of it. Neil's hand found itself on Todd's thigh, where it traced shapes on the inside and earned sighs from Todd, who got to the point where he was about to whisper to Neil to cut it out. Fortunately, they arrived at Welton just as Todd was about to formulate the sentence and both boys walked to their dorm so briskly that they tripped over their own feet. They whipped into their dorm and immediately indulged in a deep, desperate kiss. Upon making it behind closed doors, Todd figured that there was no way in Hell that the man driving didn't see them- or at least take notice of Todd's sighs. He knew. He knew and he was going to tell Nolan and both boys were going to be expelled and their parents would know that each of their sons are dirty fags. Dirty fags who can't even keep their antics in private. Suddenly Todd felt unclean.
"Todd," Neil's voice was breathy as he whispered with his lips brushing against Todd's earlobe, "d'ya wanna jam the door?"
Todd swallowed heavily. He shook his head.
"No?"
"No."
"How come?" Neil's voice was desperate and he worked kisses onto Todd's jaw.
"I- Neil- please not now," Anxiety bubbled up in Todd's gut and he stepped backward, still shaking his head.
Neil's face dropped and he frowned, "I'm sorry Todd," he whispered.
"It-it's okay." Nausea washed out any hint of arousal in Todd's being and he clamped his hand over his mouth, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat. He turned on his heel and slipped into the washroom, not bothering to turn on the lights. He stumbled over his own feet to reach a stall where he emptied the contents of his stomach.
He grew cold. It started with his core and branched out to his chest, and then to his arms, and finally his face. Still, despite the chill that smothered him, Todd's forehead managed to break out in a sweat. He saw double and as his fingers began to tremble more than usual it seemed he had no choice but to rest his head on the steel wall of the stall. He stared ahead and let his head go blank as to not review the guilt that was begging to be acknowledged.
"Todd?"
He ignored it.
"Todd?"
Shut up.
Neil's hand rested on his shoulder. He knew it was Neil's without even looking back; nobody else would know to touch him so gently while he was overwhelmed.
"C'mon, we gotta get to bed before the monitor gets pissed."
Todd sighed and accepted Neil's outstretched hand as he pulled himself up. He trailed behind Neil as they returned to their room and wordlessly changed his clothes immediately upon closing the door.
"I'm sorry for upsetting you," Neil's face drooped when he was sad.
"It wasn't you, Neil," Todd murmured as he climbed into his own bed, "I'm sorry for killing the mood."
"That's okay. We have all the time in the world."
-
"Man," Charlie said through a mouthful of meat, "I didn't think this shit could get any worse- then they give us lukewarm meatloaf!"
"I don't think it's too bad," Cameron shrugged.
"Of course you don't," Neil added with a hasty glance at Todd to confirm that he was amused.
Todd laughed, leaning his head in Neil's direction but taking care as to not let his head make contact with his shoulder. He was aware of Charlie's gaze on him and the smirk that danced on the left side of his face. Todd stiffened again and took a bite of his apple. Charlie diverted his gaze and shouted some snarky remark to Meeks and Todd let his shoulders fall. There was no way in Hell for Charlie to have any idea about him and Neil. Neil and Charlie were close- they had been best friends since intermediate school- but Neil wouldn't be so careless as to let their secret out. Todd blinked the thoughts of the possible consequences of news getting around that he and Neil were closer than friends, but they demanded to be heard. Against Todd's will, his mind wandered to the absolute torment and ostracization they would face. They'd be expelled from Welton and worse, forced to face their parents. Todd stiffened with the thought of his father's reaction. He'd be excommunicated, of course, and undoubtedly kicked out of the house. Todd winced and almost immediately after Neil rested his hand reassuringly on his thigh, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.
"You alright?" He asked quietly, leaning down to ensure that nobody else could hear.
Todd nodded, taking another glance toward Charlie. He was looking again. Todd brushed Neil's hand away.
Unoffended, Neil jumped back into the action at the table. Todd prodded at the food that remained on his plate, doing his best to ignore Charlie's piercing gaze, which seared a hole straight through him. He knew. He knew. He knew.
The boys were dismissed from lunch and Todd hurried back to his dorm. Neil followed at his heels, still bantering with the rest of the Dead Poets. He was unbothered. How could he not care?
"Hey, Neil!" Charlie called as the group turned the corner to their dorms. Neil stopped
and Todd did too, standing closely behind him. Way to ward off attention, he thought bitterly. It was too late to turn and leave now though.
"What's the matter?" Neil chirped, glancing over his shoulder with what Todd interpreted as a cautionary look.
"I gotta talk to you about something." Charlie looked at Todd when he said that. With a quiet goodbye, Todd turned on his heels and ducked into his dorm.
He knew.
He knew.
He knew.
There was no way Charlie didn't know- he wasn't a fucking moron. Charlie was observant and intuitive. He was also best friends with Neil and would undoubtedly be aware of something that Neil was hiding from him. Charlie wasn't a snitch though- he wouldn't tell anyone.
Or would he?
Maybe he was so disgusted by the fact that his best friend was a queer that he would just have to tell someone. But at Welton, you tell one person and you've told everyone. And something like this wasn't just a silly little rumor that could be spread. This was he and Neil's lives at stake.
Todd sat down on his bed and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. The moment his mind went blank tears cascaded from his eyes and sobs racked his body.
Neil and Todd were dead boys walking.
[A/N: I usually don't do these because I think they break the flow of the story but I just wanted to thank you all for your support! It really means so much to me and makes the effort that I put into writing this worthwhile. I really can't thank you enough! <3]