strange to hear «dps//anderperry»

ix

 With his heart thudding in his chest and his poem crumpled as he held it tightly in his hand, Todd knocked on the door to Keating's room. He didn't reply. Todd rocked on the balls of his feet, counting down from five before knocking again.

"Come in!"

Todd held his lower lip between his teeth, biting down as he reached for the handle and shakily turned it, holding his breath as he slowly pushed open the door. Keating sat at his desk, a candle burning beside him as he worked meticulously at what appeared to be a letter, jazz tunes resonating from a record player in the corner. He didn't look up as Todd made his way into the room, clearing his throat as he stepped closer.

"Mr. Keating?" He said weakly. Keating glanced in Todd's direction, holding his pointer finger up as he scribbled down the final few words of his letter and promptly set his pen down.

"Todd!" Keating shouted, disrupting the quiet ambiance.

"Hi- yeah- uh, sorry to bother," Todd stammered, thumbing the paper in his hand.

"Oh, you're not a bother. I wasn't that busy anyway. What do you need Mr. Anderson?" Keating turned his body to face the boy, one leg crossed over the other and his hands folded in his lap.

"I- I was just wondering if you'd read this poem for me," Todd handed the crumpled paper to Keating, staring at his shoes, "I've been working on it and Neil says I should show you." He choked on the last syllable as his teacher unfolded the paper. His eyes scanned the page as he ran his thumb over his lower lip, furrowing his eyebrows as he read. Todd swallowed the bile rising in his throat and inhaled a shaky breath, tapping his fingers together as he stared at the ground, refusing to look at Keating for more of a fraction of a second.

"You wrote this?" He marveled.

"Huh? Yeah," Todd nodded jerkily.

"This is beautiful,"

"Thank you, Captain."

Keating handed the paper back to Todd, "You wouldn't be willing to share this in class tomorrow, would you?"

"Ah- I don't think so- I'm sorry," Todd gestured with his hands as he scrambled to form a sentence, "it's just-"

"I really think you should," Keating smiled warmly, "this is wonderful."

"I really don't think I can, I'm sorry."

"Perhaps you'll decide by the end of the year that you'll want to," Keating suggested.

"No, sir. Thank you." Todd forced a smile to lighten his tone.

Keating leaned back in his chair, sighing. "You've got a real talent, Mr. Anderson."

"Thank you, sir." Todd's smile was not forced.

"You should embrace it. You're a brilliant boy, Todd, you're going to go on to do truly great things. Don't let your fears hold you back." Keating said, standing and clapping the boy on the shoulder.

"Thank you," Todd smiled, still avoiding his teacher's gaze.

"Do you need anything else? You're welcome to stay,"

"No, thank you." Todd racked his brain for other ways of saying thank you.

"Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me," Keating smiled.

"Yessir, I appreciate it." Todd smiled and turned on the balls of his feet and exited. He grinned to himself as he walked through the dim halls. Somehow Keating being proud of him felt so much more important than anything his parents had ever done. Neil was right, Keating was great to talk to. He replayed the moment in his head as he walked back to his room.

He walked into a space void of Neil. It became more often that Todd would have the room to himself in the afternoons, as Neil was typically gone until 7:30 at drama practice. Todd took this time to catch up on homework without his roommate blabbering about practice or the Dead Poets Society. Todd never minded hearing Neil speak, but it was refreshing to have a few hours just to himself to exist in his own company.

It was not long after Todd began working on his second assignment of the night that Neil slammed open the door, an ear-to-ear grin consuming his face. Todd couldn't help but smile in an instinctual response. He turned around in his chair as Neil made his way into the room.

Neil threw his bag onto his bed, exclaiming, "The show is in a month! A month!" He tossed his script and miscellaneous props onto his desk. "I'm so excited!"

Todd stands to greet Neil, who excitedly throws his arms around Todd's body. He rocks back and forth, Todd still in his arms as he spun around. He pulled away, his hands still firmly placed on Todd's shoulders as he shouted the lines that were now ingrained into Todd's memory. Todd grins and mouths along with Neil. In an instant, Neil's face moved forward. Todd jerked his head back, his brows furrowed.
"No, I can't," Todd pulled away from Neil, stepping towards the door.

"What? You can't do what?" Neil pleaded.

"This, Neil!" The blond shouted, frustration boiling in his gut, "You've been playing with my emotions like- like I'm just someone you can flirt with when you're bored!"

"What are you talking about?" Neil's face was desperate, his eyes darting across Todd's expression as he searched for any sign of jocularity.

"You've been doing this for weeks now, I'm not stupid!" Todd shouted, "After we played soccer and you just got all close to me, at the meetings when you'd try to hold my hand, for God's sake, last night when you slept next to me! And when you kissed me? And just now? I can't do this anymore, Neil!" His voice sounded foreign as he yelled.

Neil's face stooped to a frown, "I- I'm sorry," he jabbered, "I didn't mean for it to be like that,"

"Then how was it supposed to be, huh?" Tears welled in Todd's eyes as he gestured wildly with his hands, his voice shrill, "You expected me to just be okay with this-- fuck, Neil!" A tear slipped down Todd's cheek as his eyes locked with Neil's, "You know I have feelings for you! You're fucking around with me and I can't take it!"

The silence in the room hung thick.

"Todd," Neil sighs, "I- I-- you know I care about you,"

"Bullshit! You just like the attention!"

"Todd-"

"Todd!" The blond mocked in a shrill voice, "I'm done with you treating me like-"

"Jesus, stop! I'm not toying with you, oh my God," Neil pleaded.

"What the fuck do you call all that then?" Todd's face was hot and his tears slipped easily down his face.

"Christ, Todd, I love you!" Neil shouted.

Todd fell silent, blinking out another tear. His heart sank to his feet and his feet cemented themselves to the ground. Neil stood across from him, his lip quivering. He appeared naked while clothed; completely vulnerable. His shoulders slouched and his eyes were wide, like a petrified puppy.

"I love you too," Todd exhaled.

In a heartbeat, the boys lurched toward each other, their lips crashing into each other. They worked in unison, the boys stumbling backward onto Neil's bed, their lips refusing to part. Neil situated himself on top of Todd, breaking their kiss to smile down at the blond. Todd grinned in response, leaning up to resume their kiss.

The pair became engrossed in each other, laughing through kisses and whispers of "I love yous". The passage of time lost all meaning; the only thing that mattered was each other. Todd was intoxicated by the feel of Neil's lips against his own, the gentle touch of Neil's hands on his cheeks and hips; he was enamored by the way Neil gazed down at him, the light being emitted from reading lamp attached to his headboard illuminating his features to make him look so much more ethereal than Todd ever remembered him being- perhaps it was his disheveled hair or his swollen lips, or the gentle gaze he cast down on Todd. Above all, it was probably the fact that he was Neil's and Neil was his.