"I have to say, you handled the bike ride much better than the first time," Lisa complimented as we made our way up the stairs of her apartment complex.
"You took me for a ride more than once, though,"
"I know, I just expected you to have troubles with it again since it's probably been a while. Unless you practiced without me," she glared at me playfully.
"Don't worry, I didn't," truth was, has it been anyone else, I'd be beyond terrified. It was because I was with her, that I wasn't nearly as afraid as I would be have been, have the circumstances been different. I didn't tell her that, however.
"I know you have already been here before," she started when we reached the front door and she fit the key into the lock of her home, "But I think you didn't really pay much attention to the surroundings,"
Chuckling, I ducked my head down, not wanting the younger girl to see me blushing, "Not really,"
With that said, Lisa opened the door and walked inside, with me following closely behind. The first thing I noticed upon walking inside was the cold temperature residing inside, making me shiver slightly and goosebumps rise on my arms.
Lisa seemed to notice as well because she let go of my hand and walked over to the other side of the room, closing the middle part of the industrial window, stopping the cold, night air from flowing in. Rubbing the length of my arms, I walked down the small hallway, and once I stood in the middle of the loft; I took a moment to look around the unfamiliar space.
Though Lisa's apartment building was a former warehouse much like the one Jensoo lived in, her apartment was much smaller. It didn't have two floors and a large space unlike theirs. The Thai lived in a loft that, though not a lot, was smaller than the first floor alone of the one where the two Korean women lived.
The flooring was made of some cold, grey wood, fitting in with the grey brick walls, with only a carpet on its left side, where the living room area was situated. The colorful native American Indian rug sat under a yellow couch, much like the one that used to be in her college dorm, two brown couches, and a wooden coffee table.
Right next to it was a small kitchen, with a black fridge in the corner. Shelves filled with various herbs and spices lined the wall. She even had a rosemary plant in the left corner, at the end of the wooden counter. And though the kitchen was fairly small in size, there was also a kitchen bar with three stools. Above her stove was a metal kitchen hood with various pans hanging from it off of little hooks and it was clear to me from how many things she had around, that Lisa must've worked on her cooking skills.
In front of me was, not so neatly, made bed, with dark green covers almost falling down its side and a few pillows scattered at the head. Seeing as Lisa coming to see me was a spur-of-the-moment decision, I figured she must've been tossing and turning for a while before taking off to see me.
Above the bed sat a modern artwork that kind of reminded me of a map with the golden lines painted across the black background, some thicker - like a river, and some thinner - like streets and tiny alleyways. The bed itself had a wooden nightstand on each side with small lamps sitting at the top and books on the bottom shelf.
On the right wall next to her bedroom were metal pipes she transformed into a make-shift closet, seeing as a variety of clothes hung down from it, all her shoes sitting on the floor underneath. Right next to it was a metal sliding barn door that I presumed was the bathroom, but it was closed shut so I couldn't be sure.
The whole place felt a lot warmer now that Lisa not only closed the windows but also turned on the heating. Not only that, but the yellow glow coming from the lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling all around the loft made the atmosphere inside feel warmer, as well. And of course, there were a lot of plants scattered all around us, making the place look, and feel, a lot cozier.
However, something that I overlooked completely, the fear not completely gone yet, was a beautiful, black polished piano next to the couch in the living room area. I could barely stand to look at it without a dull ache in my chest, so I didn't pay it any attention.
"It's not much, but it's mine," Lisa shrugged as she watched me and I could tell she was a little nervous as she gauged my reaction.
"I love it," I told her earnestly, as I cast a last look around. That's when I noticed the cat tree house right at the end of the small hallway, "Hey Lisa," I called for her attention as she hung her coat on one of the hangers, on the wall, "Do you have a-"
Before I got the chance to finish my sentence, a furry little thing popped out of the treehouse and watched me with wide, yellow, curious eyes. I could tell the intruder frightened it, as its irises were blown and I smiled gently, trying to calm the frightened animal, "Hey there," I greeted softly.
Lisa, who now returned to my side, smiled and walked closer to the treehouse, "Yeah, I have a cat," she chuckled and reached inside, pulling out the furry little thing, "He's a-"
"Scottish fold," I finished as I took in the round face and folded ears of the grey cat with white spots on its face, down its belly and paws.
"That's right. I got him about a year ago when he was still a little kitten," she commented as the cat tugged its head into the crook of Lisa's elbow, "He's a little shy," she chuckled and scratched his butt, earning a small meow from her little friend.
"He's adorable," I cooed and walked a little closer, "Can I pet him?"
"Sure, just don't make any rushed movements or you'll startle him," the raven confirmed, and I reached a tentative hand, burying my fingers in his soft fur as I stroked his back gently. The second my hand touched him, the cat's head snapped to look at the cause of intrusion and then at my face.
He let me pet him but I saw it in his eyes, I still made him nervous so I retreated my hand, knowing the cat needed time to adapt. Not that there was a lot to adapt to since this was the first and probably the last time he would see me. The thought made me sad and before I got the chance to spiral, I turned to look at Lisa and asked, "What's his name?"
She clearly tensed at my question, confusing me with her sudden somewhat distant reaction because I didn't think I was overstepping any boundaries by asking. Lisa looked like she was deep in thought on whether she should answer my question, as her brows furrowed and her hand halted in its movement of scratching the cat in her arms.
"Leo," she spoke quietly after about a minute and placed the cat back into its treehouse.
"What will you name it?"
"Hm," she tapped her chin in thought, "I'm not sure, do you have any suggestions?"
"Maybe it could start with an 'L' since your name starts with the same letter," I suggested, and Lisa nodded her head as she contemplated my words.
"Good idea. Okay so, what about... Lucius?"
"Lucius? Really Lisa? Do you want your cat to be an evil death eater?"
"Lion?"
"Seriously? You're going to name a cat after another animal?"
"Could you stop judging? You call your fish, Orange,"
"Shut up," I grumbled.
"You come up with a name if you're so smart," she folded her arms across her chest, as she stared at me expectantly with my brows raised, a challenging expression on her face.
"So it's a boy?" I asked, smirking, already having the perfect name in mind.
"Yeah,"
"What about Leo?"
"... I hate you,"
It couldn't be helped when I erupted in laugher while she pouted adorably with her brows knitted together, "You don't like it?" I asked after my laughter died down, which in itself, was hard as Lisa stared daggers at me, with an amused smile playing on my lips.
"It's perfect," she mumbled, avoiding my eyes.
With that, she left me standing absolutely baffled in place, while she walked away into her kitchen without a word. I wasn't sure how to process the information, nor what it meant. A part of me felt somewhat flattered as my heart expanded in my chest now that I was positive she hasn't forgotten me and our late-night conversations like I thought she did. But a part of me was hurting knowing that the cat's name was associated with me and she wouldn't have picked it if I meant nothing to her. If she didn't need something to hold on to.
I had her hoodie that reminded me of simpler times. Of the times when she held me in her arms and kissed my forehead lovingly when everything was okay. And it seemed like she had a cat for that. I knew how much pain her hoodie brought me despite the comfort it provided me, so to an extent, I felt even worse about what I've done to her. How far I've driven her.
"Do you want anything?" she asked shaking me out of my thoughts, her back turned to me as she rummaged her fridge, "Water? Tea?"
"Water is fine, thank you," I answered and saw her nod her head as she took a water bottle out before closing the fridge and opening one of her cupboards in search of a glass.
"Here," she placed the filled glass on the kitchen bar as she leaned her back against the counter and sipped on her own, her eyes watching me the entire time, making me squirm under her gaze.
"Thanks," I smiled, inadvertently, sadly not being able to shake the name of the beautiful cat out of my head.
"You okay?" she asked, as she placed her glass down and leaned on the kitchen bar opposite of me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I nodded my head, still deep in thought. I didn't want to be rude though, so I forced the thoughts out of my head and looked at the beautiful woman staring as if right through me, instead, "Thank you for bringing me here," I thanked her sincerely, not sure she understood just how much this meant to me.
"It's not a big deal," she shrugged and looked away from me.
"It is to me," I admitted, "I hate staying there," I added softly, searching for her eyes that were focused somewhere on the ground.
"Then why do you?"
"I told you, I don't have a choice. I have nowhere to go. And even if I did, he would find a way to get me back and punish whoever was involved,"
"That's so fucked up," she commented, her voice not angry, just laced with disbelief as if she didn't quite believe the words I was saying. But I knew she did, I guess it just sounded like one of the things you never think would happen.
Like plane crashes. You always hear about them happening, but you never think they would actually happen to you or to someone you knew. Things like these, women trapped in marriages they didn't want to be in, abused, and controlled. They happened. And they weren't as uncommon as some people would think.
But it's so fucked up a part of you just doesn't believe it could be true, I guess. Leave alone that you, or someone you knew, could be in a situation like that. Where they could do nothing to get out of it. And though Lisa knew I couldn't do anything to change it, I could practically see the wheels in her head turning as she tried to find a solution to the problem.
She didn't seem to understand how impossible that was. I lived like this for three years. If there was a way of escape, I would've done it by now. Hell, I tried to take my own life just to get out of it, but not even that worked in my favor.
"I know," I admitted, "but there's nothing I can do,"
"There's always something you can do," she argued.
"He owns the biggest legal services company there is, or he soon will with the way things are going. Chanyeol could destroy anyone. He's basically unstoppable,"
"But he's not above the law,"
"And he's not doing anything illegal,"
"The shit he does to you is pretty fucking illegal to me," she seethed.
"But I can't prove it,"
"Where is he anyway?" she asked instead, running her hand through her hair in frustration, "He wouldn't have liked it if he knew you were here,"
"He went back to Seoul because of work. It seems like he'll be staying there for a while,"
"How many days did he say he'd be gone for?"
"About a week? Maybe more? He said it would depend on the situation there, but from his most recent texts it doesn't seem to go well,"
"When did he leave?"
"Three days ago,"
"So when you..." she ventured, gesturing between us as if saying it out loud was too much.
"Yeah," I confirmed and looked away from her again, and though I'd rather pretend it wasn't there, I had to ask, "Since when do you play the piano?"
"Oh, uhm," she cleared her throat and scratched the nape of her neck, as she walked over to me to focus her attention on the instrument, "I don't actually,"
"Why'd you have it then?" I chuckled and looked at her, but once again, she avoided my eyes as her gaze remained glued to the piano, though I was sure she could see me looking at her.
"I guess I just like it," she shrugged, "I really like the way it sounds and I've wanted to learn for a while, I'm just always so busy that I never got to it. So now it's just more of decoration, really. I actually thought of selling it since it takes up so much space, but I don't know, I guess I grew fond of it, even though I can't play,"
"It's really beautiful," I complimented honestly, and I felt my fingers twitch as the desire to let them skim over the wood and the keys became so much stronger now than I was in such proximity to it, "Do you think you'll ever learn?" I asked instead to distract myself, "I think you'd be really good at it,"
"Maybe someday. I'm just so busy with everything now that it serves as a chill-out spot for Leo more than anything. Or something to admire when I have people over. Why would you think I'd be good at it, though? Do you have some musical prowess?" she joked, and I tried my hardest not to focus on the part where she had people over because from what I've been told, any people that she ever talked to were her hook-ups. And I really didn't want to be imagining her with other people right here.
"You were always so gentle, it seems fitting," I reasoned and though I didn't want to think about it, the question was burning on my tongue so before I got the chance to stop myself, I asked, "Has anyone played it before?"
"Once or twice," she shrugged nonchalantly, "What about you? Do you still play?"
"Not really, no," I answered sadly, trying to ignore the feeling filling my heart, hearing her answer.
"Why not?" she inquired.
It was my turn to shrug this time, not wanting to answer her question, "I just don't," I said after her questioning gaze hasn't left me and I was hoping she'd let it go. She seemed to get the hint and stayed quiet, not asking any further questions and filling the space between us with an uncomfortable silence I wasn't used to. Not with Lisa, anyway. But I guess that's inevitable when you go through something like the two of us went together.
"Anyway," I spoke to relieve some tension, that seemed to be building between us, "It's really late and you're probably tired," I wagered as I looked at the clock on the wall next to her couch to see it was almost four in the morning.
"Yeah, I am actually," she admitted, "The bathroom is by the bedroom if you want to use it, I'm going to grab a pillow and a blanket,"
"Okay, thanks," I smiled in appreciation.
"There are towels in the cabinet to the right," she called after me as I disappeared into the bathroom.
Just like every other part of her home, even her bathroom was quite modern and industrially designed. The tiles were grey marble with a brown rug in the middle, just in front of the freestanding bathtub that was situated right under a window. Opposite there was a white bathroom sink sitting on a black cabinet, with plants and bathroom accessories on its sides.
Not wanting Lisa to notice I was taking too long though, I quickly washed my face and did some other necessities before leaving the bathroom.
"I put some clothes on the bed if you want to change," she said mindlessly when she heard the door slide open, as she continued arranging the pillows on her couch.
"Thanks," I smiled, not that she could see, and took the clothes off the bed, heading to change in the bathroom.
"You know you can change in front of me, right?" she chuckled, "It's not like I haven't seen you before. Besides, I won't look,"
It wasn't really about me being shy in front of her. I honestly wouldn't even think of changing elsewhere, since, as Lisa pointed out, she's seen me before. Besides, I knew she was respectful enough not to look, and considering what we did a few days ago, it didn't really matter, anyway.
However, with the bruises scattered all around my body, I felt uncomfortable. What if she saw? Not that she'd do it purposefully, but what if she saw it from the corner of her eye or if she turned around to grab something? There wasn't an inch of my skin untouched by that monster, and I didn't want to start that conversation again.
But a part of me was worried she'd be offended because she'd think I thought she was some kind of pervert and didn't trust her. And after she opened up her home to me, I didn't think that was fair.
I cast one more look at her as she was finishing up with my make-shift bed for the night and headed to the kitchen. Turning my back to her, I quickly took my shirt off and unclasped my bra, letting it fall to the ground before pulling on her shirt, reaching almost all the way to my knees. I was glad it was so large because since she hasn't given me sweats or anything to cover my legs, the bruises on my thighs would be visible. But since the shirt was long, I didn't have to worry about it so without fear this time; I slid my jeans off, leaving me in just my underwear and Lisa's shirt.
And since she wasn't looking, I dared to take a whiff of the fabric, immediately smelling her comforting scent, making me feel all warm inside and bringing a smile to my lips. It was a pleasant change from her hoodie that has lost its fragrance years ago.
Folding my clothes, I put them on the ground next to her closet and walked over to the couch, playing with the hem of Lisa's shirt nervously as I looked down at my bare feet, "I know I said it a few times already, but thank you. Seriously. This means so much to me,"
"You're welcome," she mumbled sincerely, but I couldn't help but feel like there was something on her mind that bothered her. I blamed it on the lack of sleep though, so I decided not to say anything. I didn't want to appear intrusive.
"Hey, what are you doing?" she asked in confusion as she walked closer to me, with her brows furrowed adorably.
"Sleeping?" I answered unsurely, chuckling softly, puzzled by her question. I thought it was pretty obvious, considering I was just about to lie down.
"The couch is for me, Chaeyoung. You go take the bed," she stated and pulled me off the couch, pushing me slightly to the direction of the bed as she plopped down onto the couch I thought would be mine for the night just a second ago.
"I can't let you do that," I argued as I turned back around, my arms folded across my chest, "You've done so much for me today, you deserve to get some sleep,"
"I'll let you know that the couch is perfectly comfortable," she wiggled around as if to prove her point.
"Fine, then let me have it and go take the bed," I didn't back down.
"Just go to bed, Chaeyoung," she sighed pleadingly, clearly not wanting to have this conversation any longer. Or just not wanting to be in such proximity to me. I wasn't sure which because her expression didn't quite give it away. But I feared it was the latter of the two.
So with my mood dropping, I nodded my head in defeat and muttered, "Okay, goodnight" before walking off to where her bed was without another word. However, I would lie if I said it didn't sting not hearing her say it back.
Fluffing the pillows, I reached for the blanket, pulling it with me as I let my head fall back against the soft pillows. And though I was used to sleeping in a cold bed when Chanyeol was working late, or better yet, wasn't home at all, suddenly I didn't feel the comfort it usually brought.
I hated sleeping next to him, absolutely loathed it, but now, for some reason, I craved the warmth of another person sleeping next to me. I didn't enjoy the cold sheets or the loneliness and space of the empty bed. Sure, I could sleep in the middle, stretch my limbs out, but for once I just wanted to curl up to someone. To not feel alone for once.
Because though Lisa was in the apartment, ever since we got here she seemed tense. Like she was right here, but she was a world away. I couldn't blame her, even after learning the truth there was no way things would go back to how they used to be. I never expected her to just forgive me and move on once I told her. So really, this wasn't unexpected. If anything, it surprised me she let me crash at her place for the night.
Perhaps the reason I suddenly felt more alone than ever was the fact that I felt like on the night I left her. Because just like then, though it was just a hoodie, her scent was all around me. Though she wasn't really there, it was like I could feel her even if she was no longer with me.
And now it was the same thing. The sheets, the pillows, the blanket, they all smelled like her. They all lingered of her, and I didn't like the memories it took me back to at all. It made my heart hurt now that the person who I craved the most was right there, but so out of reach. There was nothing I could do to make this right. I finally came to understand that.
I tried to close my eyes, to let sleep overtake me so tonight could finally be over and I could leave Lisa alone. Because though I loved being with her again, not like this. Not when I felt like I was talking to an iceberg. When I knew the only reason I was here was that she took pity on me. Or maybe I was just overthinking this, but I couldn't help but feel like it pained her to have me around. That there was tension between us and that she was uncomfortable.
She knew the truth now, sure, but that changed nothing. It didn't change what happened, and Lisa would never get over what I've done to her. Not with how badly it hurt her. And I kept repeating that inside my head and every time I would close my eyes, I would see the words flash before me.
Thoughts like that, combined with being wrapped in things that smelled just like her, was a deadly combination and before I knew it, tears already started falling from my eyes. I hugged my body closer, bringing my knees to my chest, as I buried my face in her pillows to muffle any sobs or whimpers that were to come.
I was in her home with her just a few feet away from me, and yet it wasn't enough. And for whatever reason, I felt further away from her than ever before. Because not only was she far away, only figuratively this time, but she was all around me. There was nothing around this loft that wasn't her. Hell, even the shirt I wore was hers, filling me with the intoxicating smell of her scent.
She was not there, but she was everywhere. And though much less unpleasant, I felt like back at the penthouse. Trapped, unable to breathe, with everything around me restricting my body from functioning normally. It was as if the walls were closing in on me, the pillows and covers trying to suffocate me, and her shirt squeezing me in its icy embrace. It was all too much for me, too painful.
Suddenly, I felt something jump on the bed, causing my eyes to snap open as I lifted my head off of Lisa's tear-stained pillow, to meet yellow eyes glowing in the dark, "Leo?" I asked, though there wasn't a reason to because of course, I wouldn't get an answer from a cat.
I let my eyes adjust to the darkness, but once they have and I could make out the cat, I was a little frightened. It was just sitting there at the end of the bed, fixing me with its glowing eyes. And though I loved cats and all animals with my whole heart, it looked quite terrifying. Like it was ready to pounce on me and kill me or something. Get revenge for its owner, perhaps.
Sitting up and leaning my back against the headboard, I brought the blanket up over my knees as I watched the cat and struggled to keep eye contact. I wondered if it would set him off if I stared right back, so I alternated between his white paws, out of which claws could come out any moment to claw my eyes out, and his eyes that haven't left my body once.
And just as I was ready to declare that Leo has been possessed by an evil spirit, the cat yawned sleepily and walked towards me, crashing against my right side, "Hey buddy," I chuckled and cautiously moved my hand to the top of his head, only scratching it lightly when I didn't see any signs of discomfort.
Stretching my legs out, I sniffled and wiped a few tears away before picking the cat up gently and placing it in my lap, "What are you doing here, little guy?" I asked, my voice hoarse from crying.
The cat just meowed in response, making me laugh through my tears softly, not wanting to wake Lisa up, as I continued scratching his head. "Did you have a bad dream?" I mumbled and moved my hand lower to stroke his back, though I wasn't sure if it wasn't his side since she curled up into a ball.
"I have those too, you know," I confessed quietly, earning another quiet meow from Leo who was now purring in my lap, making me smile a little, "Sometimes I make coffee to stay awake because I'm a coward and I'm too afraid to go to sleep again. But that doesn't seem to be your case," I laughed softly and this time he meowed three times in a row, a little louder than before.
"Okay, okay I get it, I'm going to shut up now," I cuddled the cat as I moved my body down, letting Leo lie down on my chest as I stroked his fur. And though it was comforting to have the cat now join me, it brought even more pain to my bleeding heart.
Because though there was no longer an "us", there used to be. And Leo was our dream, our little baby we were supposed to adopt and take care of together. It was something we dreamt of doing together, and now it was just like everything else; just a distant memory.
So though the cat hasn't stopped purring as it was slowly falling asleep, I haven't stopped crying for even a minute. If anything, I cried harder now as I felt his body move each time it breathed. And this time, I could turn around to muffle an incoming sob. So instead I would bite my cheek or bite on my fist that wasn't preoccupied with satisfying the small animal. I couldn't risk waking Lisa up.
"He especially likes it when you scratch behind his left ear," I smiled widely causing tears to get into my mouth, not that I cared, as I hear Lisa's voice whisper into the quiet apartment.
Doing as she said, I moved my hand to his head again, and scratching where she told me to, turning the soft purrs into rather louder ones, "Can't sleep, or did Leo woke you up?" she asked after a moment of silence.
"I couldn't sleep," I answered truthfully, my voice shaking. And there was no way she didn't hear it so right after I berated myself for being stupid enough to answer and not pretend I was sleeping, instead.
"You're not a coward you know," I could hear her sit up on the couch and I knew if I turned my head to the left, I would see her looking at me, "I am scared to go to sleep too when I have a nightmare,"
"Sorry, did I wake you up?" I apologized, feeling a little guilty if I have, and completely ignoring what she said, not wanting to think about what she might have heard.
"No," she stated as if it was obvious, "I couldn't sleep either,"
I bit my lip harshly, knowing she must've heard me crying before. Quickly, I started regretting asking her to take me here. Because though I was no longer in the penthouse which only reminded me of all the pain Chanyeol inflicted upon me, this was starting to feel a little worse.
Especially now that not only have I broken down, she also heard it. I felt incredibly stupid and pathetic, and I wished she wouldn't talk to me anymore and let me get through the night with no more embarrassment.
"Lisa?" I asked after a minute of silence out of nowhere, quickly slapping my hand over my mouth because a conversation was what I was trying to avoid, and here I was initiating it.
"Yeah?"
"Nevermind, it's nothing," I dismissed quickly and heard the raven shift again, presumably sitting up again to look at me.
"What is it, Chaeyoung?"
"Nothing, it's stupid. Go back to sleep,"
"I told you, I can't sleep," she argued, "So what is it?"
Sighing, I turned my head to the left to meet her eyes, even in the dark, across the room, "I just... I was wondering, and it's completely okay if you say no, I mean why on earth would you say yes. Gosh, it's so stupid but I don't know I was thinking, and don't feel bad if you don't want to-"
"Chaeyoung," she interjected, successfully stopping my rambling.
"Would you like to sleep with me?" I blurted out, heat rushing to my cheeks instantly and before she got the chance to say anything I continued, "I mean, the bed is big for both of us. You probably can't sleep because of the couch,"
"The couch is just fine," she assured me, and I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice, though I expected her to decline.
"Oh,"
"But if you don't mind..." she added, sounding unsure herself.
"No, of course not," I spoke maybe a little too quickly, "I wouldn't,"
"Okay," I heard her stand up from the couch and though we were both awake, she tiptoed to the bedroom, as if trying not to wake Leo who was still sleeping on top of me.
Scooting to the left as gingerly as possible, also not to rouse Leo, I made room for Lisa to slide under the blanket next to me. And though both of us tried to stay as quiet as possible so the animal could sleep peacefully, the second the bed dipped, he lifted his head up as if he could sense Lisa's presence even in its sleep.
He got off me to greet his owner, who greeted him with a scratch behind his left ear, before he jumped off the foot of the bed, leaving us completely alone.
"Hi," she whispered softly as she turned on her left side to look at me.
Not wanting to avoid her, I turned on my right side, facing the younger woman. My breath hitched when I realized just how close we were, "Hey,"
"Is this really okay?"
"Of course. Besides, it's your apartment, you should be able to sleep in your own bed,"
"Yeah but I don't want you to be uncomfortable,"
"You're not making me uncomfortable Lisa," I promised, and she seemed to relax a little at that.
"I'm sorry for before," she interrupted the silence that overtook us once again.
"Huh, for what?" I asked in confusion.
"Just everything. How I treated you before, the things I've said."
"It's not your fault, you didn't know. Besides, I hurt you, I deserved it," I smiled reassuringly, but I wasn't quite sure if it was her I was trying to convince, or myself.
"No one deserves that," she disagreed, and I had a feeling she was no longer talking about the two of us, "I despised you for everything for so long but had no idea what it was like for you. What you were going through. I just assumed you got tired of me like everyone else while you were suffering even more than I was.
Even now I... I'm sorry if I appeared distant earlier, I just... honestly, it hurts to be near you. After everything that happened, I have a hard time letting this go. I know it wasn't your choice but fuck it hurt me so badly and I just-"
"It's okay, I get. I hurt you a lot and that won't just go away,"
"It's not just that," she sighed, "I mean this whole thing,"
"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled.
"Just... everything," she sighed and turned on her back to stare at the ceiling. However, my eyes never left her as I admired her perfectly sculpted side profile. Her sharp jawline, her full lips, her nose and eyes, and her forehead slightly revealed by her tousled bangs.
"I don't know what to do. I can't just sit idly, knowing what he does to you. But I don't know how to help you, how anyone can. And then what happened three days ago. Just everything.
You're married, pregnant, have this whole different life. Heck, you look completely different too. Everything about you has changed Chaeyoung and there is no longer an "us", but then, why does it feel like there still is? Like this still involves the both of us? And the fact that you, that we, did that. It just confuses me so much,"
"I know, I'm sorry. This is all my fault, I never should have done that-"
"Don't take all the blame, I came onto you,"
"Yeah, but I went through with it and I shouldn't have,"
"So you regret it then," she remarked knowingly.
"Yes," I sighed and before the younger woman got the chance to turn her back to me, I continued, "but at the same time I don't.
I don't regret kissing you or any of that. Honestly, that was the best I've felt in years and there is no way I could ever regret that, not for my sake at least. But I regret it for yours. For dragging you into this. It's not fair and you shouldn't have to deal with this and just, ugh!" I groaned.
Apparently, she found the sound leaving my lips amusing as she smiled upon it. However, she avoided eye contact as she fiddle with the blanket, almost as if she was a little shy, "I don't regret it either, you know. I regret what I said to you though,"
"It's okay," I reached for her hand carefully, and when I didn't see her make a move to pull away, I closed my fingers around Lisa's hand, "I'm sorry too, for slapping you. That was uncalled for,"
"No," Lisa disagreed, "I deserved it. And this, I'm going to do something about it," she promised as she met my eyes again and slipped her fingers between mine.
"There is nothing to do," I sighed, "If there was, I would have come up with it by now,"
"Doesn't matter. He can't do this to you. To anyone,"
"Lisa,"
"What?"
"You can't tell anyone," I spoke softly and watched her eyes widen, "Not Jennie and not Jisoo. No one. This has to stay between us. Please, promise me you won't tell anyone,"
"Chaeyoung I-"
"Please," I pleaded, "The second you found out this stopped being just about me. If he finds out you know-"
"How would he find out?"
"I don't know!" I cried out desperately, "But he will. Trust me, he will. And if you do or say anything, this will affect you too. Please, just stay out of it, okay? I never should've let you see the bruise. Fuck, I'm dragging you into all of my mess. I never intended for this to happen, I just wanted to tell you the truth and here I am making everything worse,"
"Hey, don't say that," she said softly and brought her hand to cup my cheek, stroking it gently, "I won't tell them okay?"
"Thank you,"
"Try to get some sleep, it's late," with that, she attempted to get out of bed but I quickly grabbed her wrist, getting her attention, causing her to look at me quizzically.
"Where are you going?" I questioned.
"I just needed to talk to you. You probably want some space right now," she attempted to pull her hand out of my grasp, but I only held it tighter.
And this time when she looked at me again, there were already tears at the corners of my eyes. I feared I scared her away, and that she was running away from me. After all, that was customary after everything, right?
But I needed her to stay. As selfish as it was, I needed her by my side. At least for the night, I needed her to hold me so I could feel like everything would be okay. I couldn't be alone again, not when she was right there, pushing me away. Because one second she was kissing and holding me and the second she was putting distance between us, and right now, I couldn't handle it.
"Stay with me," I pleaded, my voice broken.
"Stay with me," I whispered, almost asleep, all the scares in the haunted house and the horror movie wearing me out.
"Okay," she agreed quietly but with blatant hesitancy, and slipped back under the blanket, filling the empty space.
I watched Lisa nod her head understandingly before sliding in next to me.
Not asking for permission, I looked for her body immediately. And as soon as I felt her warmth, I snuggled into her side, tucking my head into the crook of her neck. She seemed a little taken aback, but soon she maneuvered her arm under my head and curled it around my back, holding me close, while the other rested on my hip.
And if I wasn't tired enough, I might have given a different reaction but a gentle brush of my lips against her neck when she kissed the crown of my head and sighed. I wasn't sure if it was in defeat, content, or sadness, but I had no intention of finding out.
Not now when I was back in her arms where it felt like home. Not when I was so comfortable and safe in her embrace as I listened to the sound of her beating heart. And not when her chest rose and fell under me with every breath she took.
Because for right now, this was my reality. It wasn't a dream or a figment of my imagination. She was real, and she was here. And for once, I felt complete. I felt happy. Because Lisa held me, and for now, that was all I needed.
"Goodnight Chaeyoung," I barely heard her whisper, already on the brink of sleep.
"Goodnight Rosie," she whispered softly against my hair.
"Goodnight Lisa," I mumbled incoherently.
"Goodnight Lis," I said and buried my head into her chest even further, "Thank you for keeping me safe,"
And though this time I wasn't thanking her, I knew she understood. I didn't want to put pressure on her with everything that was going on, but I was sure she knew just how much this meant to me. So though everything was confusing right now and neither of us knew what none of this meant, it was a problem for another day. Because right here, right now, I was hers to protect.